What Is Gentle Parenting? Core Tenets, Pros, And Cons
Whether you have older children or are a new parenting learning how to soothe a crying baby, there can be difficult choices to make regarding how to best raise children. Although there is a plethora of parenting advice and many different types of parenting to choose from, there are a few that are often regarded as particularly beneficial.
One of these styles is gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is an evidence based approach that relies on boundaries, empathy, understanding, and respect. This article will discuss gentle parenting, its pros, its cons, and how you can get parenting support through an online therapist.
Interested in gentle parenting but need support?
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that prioritizes the connection between children and their parents. The core elements of this parenting style are well-established and were first promoted by child psychologist Dr. Alfred Adler in the 1920s. Using certain tenets as a guideline, those who practice gentle parenting are encouraged to interact with their children in a way that promotes a child’s overall emotional well-being. This includes encouraging independence, expression, and feelings of comfort and safety. This is all while keeping the peace and allowing everyone space and freedom to feel their emotions without judgment, correction, or reprimand.
What are the core tenets of gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting falls into the category of “authoritative parenting”. The four main elements prescribed by gentle parenting founder Sarah Ockwell Smith include empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. Parents who use gentle parenting make sure children are offered empathy by acknowledging their feelings and using mirroring to make sure their children feel heard.
Below is a more detailed description of each of these four tenets:
1. Empathy as an element of gentle parenting
Empathy is the first key aspect of gentle parenting. According to gentle parenting experts, a child’s feelings and experiences are all too often dismissed, minimized, or ignored altogether, even by well-intentioned parents. This leaves them feeling as though they do not matter, and their voices will not be heard. With the gentle parenting method, parents are encouraged to keep their children’s feelings in mind when trying to understand the child’s behavior and when considering how to respond.
2. Respect as the second tenet of being a gentle parent
The second tenet of being a gentle parent is respect. With gentle parenting, respect should be mutually demonstrated between children and their caretakers. Experts advise that children should not be expected to respect caretakers in a vacuum, and caretakers should monitor themselves to make sure they are engaging their children in a manner that is respectful and uplifting rather than condescending or dismissive. A simple way to incorporate respect in a parent-child relationship might be to listen to a child when they speak, and to ask questions first, then react.
3. Understanding
The third tenet is understanding. According to the main elements of gentle parenting, when children feel heard and understood, they are far more likely to come to their parents in times of crisis. They are also more willing to listen and adhere to their caretakers' rules, which can prevent a power struggle. One of the most vital aspects of this type of parenting is educating yourself on the typical developmental expectations for children and not expecting children to behave in a way that is too advanced or emotionally mature for their development.
4. Boundaries
The fourth and final key to the gentle parenting approach is setting boundaries and enforcing them. Unlike permissive parenting, which can be relaxed about boundaries, or uninvolved parenting, which may not offer boundaries at all, gentle parenting urges caretakers to set clear guidelines that foster a healthy, loving, and stable environment. Specific boundaries will differ from family to family, but usually involve elements of communication, expectations, and behavior.
How does gentle parenting compare to permissive and peaceful parenting?
Gentle versus permissive parenting
Permissive parenting, rather than gentle parenting, is a model that focuses on cultivating a relationship much closer to that of friendship within the parent-child bond, almost avoiding imposing boundaries on a child altogether. This type of relationship involves creating understanding and empathy between parents and children but does not place as much emphasis on creating boundaries, enforcing rules, or creating careful guidelines for children. This stands in keen contrast with gentle parenting, which strongly encourages all of these. Children who have gentle parents learn to develop controlled responses as they are given rules but are allowed to speak, protest, and discuss those rules with their parents.
Gentle versus peaceful parenting
Gentle and peaceful parenting have similarities in their approaches, with one distinct difference: Peaceful parenting centers around the parent working on themselves first, while gentle parenting focuses more on communication patterns and habits. Both prioritize kindness, empathy, and consideration in parent-child relationships.
Peaceful parenting encourages parents to first take care of their own habits that are not conducive to helpful caretaking, and then move on to implementing those strategies in interactions with their children. Peaceful parenting urges caretakers to cultivate a sense of calm in everyday life, then take those same principles and apply them to stressful times. Gentle parenting, on the other hand, encourages a whole-family approach, suggesting that all of the family work together to create a different dynamic.
Pros and cons of gentle parenting and why proponents suggest it
Pros of gentle parenting: Promoting empathy and comforting emotions
Gentle parenting, according to its creator Ockwell Smith, can create a healthier, more empathic dynamic within a family, easing many of the tensions and resentments that tend to build up between caretakers and children. Gentle parents create strong boundaries to help a child feel a sense of safety and comfort, but they also give children space to express their feelings, wants, and needs.
Under gentle parenting, children can feel as though they are free to navigate their own emotions and feel their feelings without being stifled. Still, they are able to enjoy the comforting presence of a strong authority figure and the comfort of guidelines and boundaries.
Research has shown that gentle parenting may reduce the risk for anxiety and promote controlled responses in social contexts among shy toddlers. This helpful report also found that positive parenting styles, such as the gentle parenting approach, have a positive impact on school performance.
Cons of gentle parenting
Nearly every parenting style has pros and cons. Gentle parenting has been criticized as being too lenient or being too close to attachment parenting. Although it seeks to distinguish itself somewhat from that parenting philosophy, it does encourage some of the suggestions of attachment parenting.
Gentle parenting is sometimes thought of as teaching parents to relay canned responses in reaction to children's accomplishments. For example, gentle parents might tell their young son or daughter, "You look like you're having fun. Did you enjoy drawing your picture?" instead of offering a simple, "Whoa! What a beautiful picture!" Opponents suggest that using such awkward-sounding, unnatural phrasing could impede children's ability to speak to others effectively and naturally.
Why use gentle parenting with your child?
Proponents of gentle parenting suggest that children with gentle parents will grow up to be more confident, capable adults. Moreover, gentle parenting advocates say everyone in the family will more thoroughly enjoy relationships when they are cultivated within this framework, as they allow everyone involved to have and express their unique perspectives, ideas, and experiences.
Interested in gentle parenting but need support?
How to transition to gentle parenting
The transition to gentle parenting can initially be rocky, and families might require some help in beginning the transition. A therapist can sometimes act as a parenting coach, helping families incorporate new routines and habits into daily life and iron out any issues that are keeping old habits in place. A professional may also be able to help individuals work on personal concerns that are impeding progress.
Online therapy for parenting
Parenting in modern society can be extremely demanding, though. Many parents may feel like they don’t have a moment to spare to attend therapy sessions with their already-busy schedules. Online therapy, such as through BetterHelp, presents a convenient alternative to in-person counseling for some people since it can eliminate the time-consuming commute as well as scheduling conflicts within the family.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Parents considering implementing gentle parenting may be curious about the effectiveness of this type of remote counseling for parenting concerns. One research study examined the effectiveness of an online therapy parenting program, and it found that the online intervention had “positive effects on the parents’ psychological flexibility and emotional control.”
Takeaway
Parenting in any situation can be difficult, but implementing an entirely new parenting style can feel like an especially large undertaking at times. If you are interested in trying gentle parenting with your own children, you may consider starting by incorporating the four tenets described above. If you would like further support as you navigate this new approach with your child or children, online therapy may be able to help.
Frequently asked questions
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is an approach that emphasizes the connection between parents and their children. People who use this approach to parenting focus on empathy, respect, understanding, and boundary-setting. They encourage self-expression and independence and promote feelings of safety and comfort to support children’s overall emotional well-being. This approach requires a lot of compassion and can be challenging to implement.
What are the downsides of gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting has been criticized as being too lenient or too similar to attachment parenting. Another criticism of gentle parenting may be that parents learn to give canned responses that may be a little awkward sounding, which can impede the child’s ability to speak more naturally and effectively.
What are the three C's of gentle parenting?
The three C’s of gentle parenting are connection, communication, and consistency.
What are the 4 parenting styles?
The four parenting styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.
Authoritarian parenting style
These parents typically set strict rules for their children, which they are expected to obey. There is little communication. Rules aren’t explained, and the child has no room to negotiate. Authoritarian parents expect their children to follow the rules without error, and mistakes lead to punishment. They are less nurturing but have high, rigid expectations. In this environment, children are usually well-behaved because they fear the consequences of making a mistake. They can follow precise instructions to reach a goal, but they may also be highly aggressive, shy, socially inept, and unable to make their own decisions for fear of making a mistake. They may have poor self-esteem and often rebel against the strict rules of their childhoods as they get older.
Authoritative parenting style
Authoritative parents have clear guidelines so their children understand their expectations. Disciplinary actions tend to be more about supporting their children than punishing them. Parents who use this method typically develop a close, nurturing relationship with their children. Kids are allowed to have input into expectations, and there is an appropriate level of frequent communication between the parent and child. This parenting style generally leads to the healthiest outcomes for children, but it requires patience and effort on behalf of the parents and the kids. The children that result from this type of parenting are often responsible, confident, and able to self-controland remain calm in challenging situations. They may learn at a young age that they can accomplish their goals independently and grow up to have high self-esteem. These kids also have good school performance and high academic achievement.
Permissive parenting style
Although they are warm and nurturing, permissive parents have minimal, if any, expectations. They give their kids minimal rules and rarely discipline their kids. Permissive parents may communicate openly with their kids, but they typically allow them to figure things out for themselves. Because they act more like friends than parents, kids can end up with unhealthy habits, like excess snacking on unhealthy foods, not enough sleep, and too much screen time. These kids usually have decent social skills and some self-esteem, but they can be selfish, demanding, impulsive, and lack self-control skills.
Uninvolved parenting style
Children of uninvolved parents have a lot of freedom as the parent usually does little more than fulfill the child’s basic needs. They provide a home, clothes, and food but are otherwise detached from their child’s life. They may provide little discipline, communication, or nurturing, have few, if any, expectations for their children, and aren’t invested in the child's experience. These kids may become very self-sufficient and resilient because they had to be. They might have trouble controlling their emotions and maintaining relationships and may have less effective coping skills.
Why is gentle parenting so hard?
Gentle parenting can be challenging because it can be very time-consuming. The parent has to be patient enough to take the time to get to know and understand their child. The child needs to be self-aware to process their behavior and emotions, which can be particularly difficult during a tantrum.
To incorporate gentle parenting, parents may need to unlearn many behaviors and learn to set healthy boundaries. Often, parents have to overcome how they were brought up so they don’t mirror their parents. Gentle parenting involves a lot of self-reflection, stepping back and saying, “My parents’ reactions only caused me to be afraid of them; how can I take a gentler approach?” This approach of considering their childhood experience requires parents to take a step back and think before they act, which can be challenging.
How do gentle parents discipline?
Gentle discipline may help parents look beyond today’s behavior and consider what their child needs to determine the proper form of discipline. Instead of just punishing kids for doing something wrong, gentle discipline focuses on correcting behavior to help kids learn to make healthy decisions independently.
Rules and expectations are set out ahead of time, and children are allowed to ask questions about the rules and are told what the consequences will be if they break them. This gives the kids a choice of how to behave because they already know what will happen if they do not.
When gentle parents discipline, they are compassionate and consider the child’s feelings, teaching them how to cope with big emotions instead of dismissing them by telling them not to be upset. Kids are taught the underlying reason for the rules and learn to evaluate risks and consider their choices.
What is the least effective parenting style?
Which is the least effective may depend on the type of parent you want to be, but generally, authoritarian parenting is considered the least effective. This type of parenting has little communication between parent and child. Kids are expected to listen without hesitation, the rules are not explained, and parents have high, rigid expectations. Kids who are raised by authoritarian parents may be shy, highly aggressive, socially inept, and may have a difficult time making their own decisions. They can grow up to have poor self-esteem and may rebel against the strict rules of their childhood or the world in general as they get older.
What are the long-term effects of gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting can have a variety of long-term effects, including:
- Helping children develop independence, confidence, self-esteem, and emotional control skills
- Reducing power struggles between you and your child
- Improving communication between you and your child
- Improving the relationships among family members in the home
- Teaching children that they are capable of meeting their goals on their own
- Helping children grow up to have more self-esteem
- Having better academic performance
Why is gentle parenting becoming popular?
Gentle parenting is covered a lot in the press, like in this article from the New Yorker. There’s no way to pinpoint precisely why gentle parenting is becoming popular. It may be because research shows that it can be effective at lowering the risk of children developing anxiety later in life, or it may be because parents are looking for an alternative to other popular child rearing parenting styles in popular culture, like free-range parenting or helicopter parenting.
What is the difference between attachment parenting and gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting and attachment parenting have a lot of similarities, but there are a few differences that set them apart. One of the main differences is how they approach discipline and set boundaries. Attachment parenting is about building a solid emotional bond by meeting the child’s needs; this type of parenting may be more permissive with rules and boundaries. Gentle parenting emphasizes the importance of clear boundaries and expectations and generally uses non-punitive discipline to encourage growth and good behavior. If you want to learn more about gentle parenting or if you need support integrating it into your life, reach out to a parenting expert or talk to a therapist.
Does a gentle parenting style mean no discipline for your child?
Having no discipline has been a misconception regarding a gentle parenting style. A gentle parenting style doesn’t mean that you allow your children to do whatever they want without making the effort to discipline them. This approach in parenting is more about staying calm and letting your children decide their path, while still guiding them throughout the process.
What parenting style is associated with empathy?
The parenting style that is most associated with empathy is the authoritative parenting style. Authoritative parents have guidelines for their children, while still being able to maintain nurturing relationships. On the other hand, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved parenting styles are negatively associated with empathy.
How to regulate your emotions as a gentle parent?
As a parent, you may also need to keep your emotions in check so you’ll be able to care for your child effectively. Take some time for yourself, and spend time alone doing what you love whenever you have the chance to take a break from parenting. Eat healthy food, exercise and take care of your physical wellbeing, not just your mental health. Try doing breathing exercises and keep yourself grounded to manage your emotions.
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