What Is Tough Love Parenting And Can It Be Effective?

According to Merriam Webster’s dictionary, the definition of tough love is "love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior.” However, the term tough love doesn’t necessarily have a consensus definition among parents, as it can mean something different to each person. 

The same title or same name may be attributed to enforcing strict boundaries and rules with your children, enacting stern punishments, or “giving it to them straight” when something goes wrong. Some parents may use the tough love approach when offering tough treatments to their children.

Below, we’ll explore research on discipline, the concept of tough love, and strategies for parents to enforce rules while safeguarding their relationship with their children—which may benefit the well-being and mental health of both parents and children. 

What tough love can do for children

Whether parents think they’re preparing their children for the "real world" or teaching them how to embrace disappointment, it may help for parents to learn what it means to implement tough love techniques, as well as what effects these techniques can have on children at various age groups and on their development. Productively practicing tough love might entail emphasizing realistic consequences for actions. Considering that the "real world" can be vastly different in each country, city, and neighborhood, there may not be a single form of preparation that can set children up for a real consequence in every case. Instead of using the real world a way to set broad, catch-all expectations, you might consider trying to give children context-specific consequences that utilize healthy boundaries.

For example, if your child’s phone screen cracks because they were not careful despite your instructions, you could explain that you won’t purchase a new one right away. When talking to them, you might explain to them in a gentle way the connection between actions and consequences. You don’t necessarily need to additionally punish them for breaking their phone, as they’re the ones inconvenienced with a cracked screen. This alone may help them see that there are consequences for their actions.

Negative tough love: Imposing consequences and giving love in a stern, unsentimental way

Negative tough love may consist of an excessive route to try to teach children a lesson. While parents may not be aware of it in the moment, the words and actions they use could affect their children’s development. Research shows that yelling at children as a form of discipline can lead to mental and behavioral challenges for children, in addition to hurting the parent-child relationship (thereby negatively affecting both the giver and receiver of tough love). This can be harmful for your relationships in the long run, so it can be crucial to always maintain respect for your children and maintain a sense for when tough love may be doing more harm than good.

In some cases, using “tough love” as an excuse for poor treatment for a loved one can have long-term effects, such as making your child more likely to experience a variety of mental health challenges. For instance, they may become more prone to developing a substance use disorder or addiction. Substance use disorders generally refer to an unhealthy reliance on a substance, even to a person’s detriment, and they may lead to a person eventually hitting rock bottom. It can be crucial to always treat friends and family members with respect in order to avoid interacting with them in a way that could potentially harm their mental well-being.

This is not meant to be an admonition to parents who have raised their voices, as most parents have done so at some point. Instead, it might serve as a reminder to calmly set clear expectations and enforce predictable consequences for not fulfilling expectations or problematic behavior. Also, instead it may help to occasionally reinforce good behavior, which is a strategy based on operant conditioning—a key concept in behaviorism. It can be best to avoid making your children afraid of you, as that can be an unhealthy dynamic for families. Maintaining a supportive dynamic with your loved ones, whether a family member or friend, can be healthier.

Different ideas of tough love: Life lessons through showing kind concern

Tough love is often thought of as the harsh effort of trying to teach someone an important life lesson in the hope they'll learn and grow from it. It doesn't inherently mean a parent will scar their child by giving them a stern lecture or restriction. 

Teaching children about consequences

For example, if you’ve limited their screen time, it may help to relay your message in a de-escalated environment. Also, it may help to lead by example. In this context, you might limit your own screen time so that they see you genuinely care about the effects of excessive screen time on your own mental health as well as theirs. This can not only help you communicate how important this subject is, but can function as a self-care activity that could improve your well-being.

Expressing loving concern through discipline and setting expectations

Discipline can feel harsh to some parents, partially due to the experienced various disciplinary approaches people experience during their own childhood. Also, each child may respond to discipline and consequences differently. Not every child has the same reason for their mistakes, and not every child may be able to articulate their reasoning in the same way.

Setting boundaries with loving firmness

For this reason, it may be helpful if punishments aren’t necessarily the same for every child in every context. Always using the same punishments for different children may make the problem worse in some cases, rather than being beneficial. Also, discussions with your child don’t necessarily have to have a "you versus them" character. Taking a constructive approach by establishing boundaries and expectations and how your child might reasonably meet them can show your child that you’re open to discussion. When you set boundaries that respect both people, you may be more likely to find success.

Finding guidance and support for improving your parenting style

Parenting can present significant challenges at all stages of a child’s development, and there may be times when a session or two with a licensed counselor can lead to a meaningful breakthrough. If you don’t have time for in-office therapy, you might consider online therapy, which numerous studies have shown to be just as effective as in-office therapy.

Benefits of online therapy and mental health support

With online therapy, you can get professional help with any challenge you may be experiencing from a licensed counselor in the comfort of your home. You can participate in therapy in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by audio, live chat, videoconferencing, or a combination of these modalities. 

Also, with an online therapy service like BetterHelp, you gain 24/7 entry to in-app messaging. You can contact your therapist at any time day or night, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. This may be especially useful if you have parenting questions in between sessions, as you can write down your thoughts and questions in the moment rather than waiting until the next session to communicate them. 

Also, if you have an adolescent who you think might be amenable to therapy together (whether individually or in person), you might consider online therapy via TeenCounseling. With this service, you have the same communication options as those offered at BetterHelp, and you and your adolescent can connect with a licensed therapist who has experience working with parents and teens.

If your child isn’t open to therapy at this time, you may still benefit from connecting with an online therapist at BetterHelp.