Common Relationship Challenges When One Partner Has A Personality Disorder

Building and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship can be difficult. One or more partners living with a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, can result in additional challenges. Individuals with such conditions often demonstrate patterns of behavior and emotional responses that can affect relationships in various ways. For instance, they may struggle to understand the emotions of others and might be more likely to act impulsively. Getting treatment for a condition like this can be an important part of improving one’s quality of life and relationships. Read on for some additional strategies that may also help.

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Common types of personality disorders

Personality disorders are categorized into three clusters by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. These include:

• Cluster A: eccentric (e.g., paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal personality disorders)
• Cluster B: erratic (e.g., borderline, narcissistic, antisocial personality disorders)
• Cluster C: anxious (e.g., avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders)

Here’s a bit more detail on just a few types of personality disorders. Although each one causes unique symptoms and may affect each individual differently, the following examples may offer insight into how these disorders in general could affect a person’s relationships:

• Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety.
• Paranoid personality disorder can make a person distrust others to an extreme degree. They often believe others are out to harm them, even when there is no evidence to support these thoughts.
• Avoidant personality disorder can make people extremely shy and sensitive to criticism. They may perceive themselves as inadequate and might stay away from social situations because of an intense fear of being rejected.

Keep in mind that a person’s symptoms must meet certain criteria per the DSM-5 in order for a diagnosis of a personality disorder to be considered. This means that displaying narcissistic personality traits or tendencies doesn’t necessarily mean a person has narcissistic personality disorder, for example. Distinguishing between non-clinical and clinical signs of these disorders may help reduce stigma and ensure people get the support and treatment they may need. 

How personality disorders can affect relationships

Different types of personality disorders can present different challenges in a person’s relationships—particularly those with romantic partners and close friends and family members. Here are a few general challenges that someone with a personality disorder may experience in their intimate relationships, especially when the condition is left untreated.

Emotional instability

Emotional instability is a common symptom of personality disorders like borderline personality disorder. People with this type of condition often experience rapid mood swings, potentially ranging from extreme happiness one moment to deep sadness or anger the next. These changes can be unpredictable and stressful in romantic relationships. Partners may struggle to understand why the individual might change their mood so quickly, which may cause conflicts and misunderstandings.

Communication difficulties

Effective communication is important in any relationship, but there are many factors that may disrupt its flow. Symptoms of some personality disorders are one example. For instance, someone with paranoid personality disorder might misinterpret neutral comments as threats or as having hidden meanings. This suspicion can make open and honest conversations challenging. In romantic relationships in particular, such misunderstandings can quickly escalate. Partners might feel that they need to walk on eggshells and avoid topics that could trigger a negative reaction.

Problems with trust

In general, trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. Conditions such as paranoid or borderline personality disorder can severely affect a person’s ability to trust others, which may lead to unstable connections. A lack of trust can lead to constant questioning and doubt, and partners may be hurt by accusations and find it hard to build or rebuild intimacy after such instances. 

Dependence or distance

Even those without a diagnosable mental health condition might display significant emotional dependence on or distance from their romantic partners, such as those with an insecure attachment style. Those with a personality disorder may be even more prone to these behaviors, since they can be symptoms of certain conditions.

For example, people with dependent personality disorder may rely heavily on their partners for emotional support and to make decisions, which can cause the partner(s) to feel overwhelmed and pressured. On the other hand, someone with schizoid personality disorder might be emotionally distant, avoiding intimacy and close interactions. As a result, their partners may feel neglected and perceive themselves as unimportant. 

Jealousy and controlling behavior

Jealousy and controlling behavior often arise in relationships involving personality disorders. For instance, people with narcissistic personality disorder might show intense jealousy and a need to control their partners to maintain a sense of superiority. Such behaviors can suffocate the relationship and cause resentment. The controlling partner might demand constant attention and validation, while the other partner may feel trapped and undervalued. 

Fear of being left alone

Fear of abandonment is a potential symptom of conditions like borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder often have an intense fear of being left alone, which can cause them to act out in ways that push their partners away, creating a cycle of instability in the relationship. These actions can include things like extreme clinginess, sudden anger, or even threats of self-harm. 

Strategies for managing relationship challenges related to personality disorders

Managing relationships when one or more partners have a personality disorder can result in unique challenges. Strategies like these may help all parties work together and cultivate a healthy bond.

Practice effective communication

Practicing clear and effective communication can be key in managing all relationships, especially those affected by a personality disorder. For example, it can be important to express specific needs, emotions, and expectations openly and directly. Avoid using accusatory language. Instead, you might use "I" statements to express how you feel to reduce defensiveness and have more constructive conversations.

Listening can also be important. You might make sure to listen actively and without interrupting and then paraphrase what the other person said to show them you understand. Clear communication using techniques like these may help prevent misunderstandings that can lead to conflicts.

Practice empathy and mutual respect

Empathy is necessary in any relationship, but it can be especially important when you have a close connection with a person who has a personality disorder. Listening to what your partner has to say and putting forth genuine effort to recognize and validate their experiences can give you a starting point for productive interactions.

It’s also recommended that you respect their boundaries and opinions, even when they differ from your own. Mutual respect means appreciating each other's efforts to work on the relationship, too. Recognizing and valuing each other's strengths may help bring you closer.

Establish routines and consistency

Consistency and routines can help provide a sense of predictability, which may help an individual with a personality disorder feel more secure and may strengthen bonds between partners. For example, you might engage in regular activities, like eating meals together or having weekly check-ins. 

Routines may help reduce anxiety and stress for both parties, and consistent behavior and reactions can also help build trust. When everyone knows what to expect, managing and working on the relationship may be easier.

Get informed about your partner’s disorder

Knowing about the specific personality disorder your partner has may help guide interactions and expectations. You might read up on the disorder and seek educational workshops or support groups. 

Being well-informed can help you understand why your partner might behave a certain way and allow you to build strategies together for managing your reactions to these behaviors. Having more knowledge about their condition may also help reduce frustration and increase empathy.

Work on personal growth and self-awareness

If you have a personality disorder, learning to recognize the situations that trigger your symptoms may help you manage your mental health and prevent conflicts. You might set goals for your behaviors, develop healthy coping mechanisms, implement positive habits, and engage in other steps to hold yourself accountable. Working with a therapist can be helpful in each of these areas. Over time, becoming more self-aware may help you manage your own behaviors, better support your partner, and improve the overall relationship dynamic.

Engage in self-care and stress management

Managing a relationship involving a personality disorder can be stressful. Taking care of your physical and mental health can be paramount for both the individual with the personality disorder and their partner(s). This can look like:

• Getting regular exercise
• Getting enough sleep
• Eating nutritious foods
• Regularly connecting with friends and family
• Participating in hobbies you enjoy
• Engaging in stress-management techniques like meditation and deep breathing exercises

When you take care of yourself, you're likely to be in a better position to support your partner effectively.

Set clear boundaries

In relationships involving an individual with a personality disorder, setting clear boundaries can be especially helpful. For example, you might clearly define what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t and communicate these limits calmly and assertively. Setting boundaries and enforcing them can help prevent unhealthy patterns from forming and may promote a healthy and balanced connection.

Getting counseling for mental health or relationship challenges

If you suspect you may be living with a personality disorder, seeking professional support is typically an important first step. A mental health professional can provide a diagnosis, if applicable, and then help you create a long-term plan to manage your symptoms. They can support you in building healthy habits and routines, addressing relationship challenges, working on self-awareness and self-regulation, and finding healthy ways to cope with stress. In addition, a couples counselor can help romantic partners find healthy ways to interact and cope with the effects of mental health condition(s) that one or more partners may be experiencing.

Regularly commuting to and from in-person therapy appointments isn’t feasible for everyone, however, such as those with busy schedules or who don’t have many providers in their area. In cases like these, online therapy—such as BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples—can be a more convenient option. Research suggests that online therapy can produce similar outcomes to traditional in-person treatment in many cases, so you can typically choose whichever format works best for you.