Dependent Personality Disorder Vs. Codependency: What's The Difference?

Dependent personality disorder and codependency may seem very similar. However, they are not one and the same. Dependent personality disorder is a diagnosable mental illness. Meanwhile, codependency is not a diagnosable mental illness but rather a pattern of relating to others that has been largely defined by self-help movements and recovery communities. 

Dependent personality disorder and codependency usually involve difficulty forming healthy relationships, but they typically play different roles in these relationships. Both those with dependent personality disorder and those with codependent patterns may benefit from therapy.

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What is dependent personality disorder?

Dependent personality disorder is one of 10 personality disorders, which are conditions that usually affect people consistently over many years of life. Dependent personality disorder was first added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III) in 1980 and is currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-V). 

In order to meet the diagnostic criteria for dependent personality disorder, a person must have an excessive need to be taken care of by others, which usually results in clinginess, submissive behavior, and a fear of distance from loved ones.

In addition, a person with dependent personality disorder must also meet at least five of the following eight criteria:

• Trouble making decisions without excessive advice and support from others
• The need to make others responsible for important parts of their life
• Difficulty disagreeing with others out of a fear of losing approval
• Trouble beginning projects on their own due to a lack of confidence in their judgment
• Willingness to put in a lot of effort or do unpleasant things to receive support from others
• Experiencing a sense of helplessness or discomfort when alone out of a fear that they cannot care for themselves
• Urgently needing a new relationship with someone who gives care and support after another relationship ends
• Unrealistic fears of being left alone and forced to take care of themselves

These symptoms usually must begin by early adulthood to qualify for a dependent personality disorder diagnosis. 

In general, people with dependent personality disorder incorrectly believe that they cannot take care of themselves, so they go to great lengths to get other people to take care of them. They tend to lack confidence and have low self-esteem, assuming that their opinions or decisions are likely to be wrong, so they are better off relying on others.

A person with dependent personality disorder may act in excessively incompetent or submissive ways in order to get others to help or reassure them. In extreme cases, they may be unable to live independently or complete their work without another person taking the lead and making decisions for them. In many cases, a person with dependent personality disorder forms a close relationship, whether with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, and lets that person make their decisions, including where to work, what to wear, and who to befriend.

People with dependent personality disorder often agree with almost everything those close to them say or want because they are afraid of being abandoned. They usually only have a few close people in their lives, and if one relationship ends, they may rush to immediately find someone to replace them. They may not care much about with whom they are close, only that they can depend on the person to provide assurance and support.

Sometimes, having this personality disorder opens people up to the risk of abuse because they are usually willing to do anything to maintain a relationship and afraid of letting a relationship end. If they are emotionally or physically abused, they may decide that tolerating the abuse is favorable to facing their fears of being alone and walking away from the relationship.

What is codependency?

Generally, the term codependency is used to refer to people who have a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships, called codependent relationships. In a codependent relationship, there is usually a level of relationship addiction and unhealthy dependence on one another.

Codependency is not one of the mental health disorders listed in the DSM-V. Instead, it can be seen as a pattern of unhealthy relationship dynamics that's largely been defined by people in the self-help movement rather than by psychology researchers. Psychologists and related experts appear to be divided on the concept of codependency. Some researchers and therapists find it useful and use it in their work, while others don't consider it to be a valid psychological concept

Historically, the concept of codependency came about in the 1940s in the U.S. Originally, people in 12-step recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous defined codependence as the relationship pattern individuals often displayed with partners who had substance use disorders. The idea was that the partners without substance use disorders usually had illnesses themselves that led them to enable their partners' substance use. With time, the definition of the term expanded. Now, it's often used to refer to anyone who has an unhealthy attachment to someone who is grappling with substance use disorder, mental or physical illness, or otherwise acts unpredictably and requires constant care.

Because codependency isn't an established disorder, it doesn't have set criteria and isn't something that can be diagnosed by a doctor, psychologist, or therapist. At one point, some experts suggested that codependency should be made into an official diagnosis, but that has not yet occurred.

Codependency is usually viewed as a pattern. Different people may define codependent behavior differently, but it often involves the following characteristics:

• Wanting to help, rescue, or change people who are addicted to substances, have a mental or physical illness, or otherwise are not currently functioning at their full potential
• Romanticizing a person or viewing them as being superior to how they actually are
• Apologizing often, even when they haven't done anything wrong, to keep the peace
• Empathizing with a person, even when they are being unkind or hurtful
• Needing a person's validation and approval to experience a sense of worthiness
• Putting another person's needs above one's own needs
• Having poor boundaries in a relationship and being willing to do whatever the other person wants or needs
• Walking on eggshells and being very careful not to say anything that might upset the other person or damage the relationship
• Spending free time on the other person instead of on one's own self-care or hobbies
• Believing that one's sense of self comes from the relationship and is lost without it

Often, codependent relationships are discussed as involving a "giver" and a "taker." Usually, the "giver" is labeled the "codependent" one, but both roles are usually thought to be required for a relationship to be considered codependent.

People who criticize the concept of codependency typically point out that even a healthy relationship is an interdependent relationship. It can be normal for people who are close to one another to rely on each other. As long as there is mutual respect, there can be a healthy dependency present. Proponents of the concept of codependency argue that the concept only describes unhealthy dependent relationships, not healthy ones.

Dependent personality disorder vs. codependency

Dependent personality disorder and codependency may share some similarities, but they are not the same.

Similarities

Both dependent personality disorder and codependency typically involve unhealthy relationship dynamics. A person with dependent personality disorder and a person in a codependent relationship may withhold their opinions or work hard not to say anything that might upset a person with whom they're close. Similarly, both may have low self-esteem and get their sense of self-worth or identity from their relationship. They may both have a deep fear of the relationship ending and go to great lengths to maintain it, even to the point of withstanding emotional or physical abuse.

Differences

The biggest difference between dependent personality disorder and codependency may be that one is an established diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), while the other is an informal label given to a certain relationship pattern. A person can be diagnosed and treated for dependent personality disorder, but professionals do not usually diagnose codependency.

Remote therapy for dependency

Whether a person has dependent personality disorder, codependency, or unhealthy relationships in general, they may want to try therapy to learn how to set boundaries and build healthy, balanced relationships. Remote therapy can be an appealing option since it allows a person to receive help from the location of their choosing, as long as it has an internet connection. BetterHelp is a remote therapy platform that can connect you with a therapist suited to your unique situation.

Experiencing neediness or addiction to an unhealthy relationship?

Learn to set boundaries with online therapy

Researchers haven't directly studied the impact of remote therapy on dependent personality disorder or codependency. However, studies suggest that therapy, in general, is helpful for managing dependent personality disorder and other personality disorders. 

A review of 11 research studies found that online therapy for personality disorders is under-researched, but a promising treatment option. Multiple studies reviewed found that therapy could reduce symptoms in people with personality disorders without causing any negative effects.