Managing Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) Symptoms

If you find yourself constantly comparing your partner to everyone around you despite loving them deeply, or if you find yourself wracked with doubt and confusion about a relationship you are otherwise happy to be in, you are not the only one. Sometimes, these feelings represent a common relationship shift, but in other cases, they can be symptoms of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, commonly referred to as ROCD.

This article explores relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), how you can recognize it, and options like working with a mental health professional to improve symptoms. 

What is relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD)?

Although most relationships have periods of euphoria and doubt, the ups and downs within a relationship with someone who has relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder or ROCD can be more dramatic and destructive. As its name suggests, relationship OCD combines the obsessive-compulsive symptoms of traditional OCD, such as an inflated sense of responsibility, with the complexities of romantic relationships. A person with ROCD may experience intrusive and persistent relationship doubts, either about their own feelings toward their partner or how their partner feels about them. This means that someone experiencing ROCD might display patterns of alternating clingy behavior and a tendency to push their partner away. They might fluctuate between praising their partnership and considering their relationship doomed to fail or riddled with problems. People who experience ROCD may feel significant distress when feeling doubts about their relationship. 

Initially, relationship OCD symptoms might seem like simple insecurity in a relationship or common relationship doubts that will dissipate with time and effort. However, ROCD can turn into extreme beliefs about relationships, such as “the thought of living life without a partner scares me,” that may worsen with the deepening of a relationship, and it can serve as a form of unconscious sabotage within an otherwise healthy partnership. Relationship OCD often requires treatment to alleviate the symptoms and habits associated with it.

Recognizing relationship obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms

Although it may not be as well known as OCD in general, ROCD is not uncommon. Individuals with ROCD can experience common obsessive thoughts.

Common symptoms of relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder (ROCD):

• Suspicions that they’re not with the “right person”
• Fears that their relationship may not be the “right fit” 
• Comparing their own relationship to their previous relationships or to other people’s relationships to see if they seem happier
• Constantly seeking reassurance that their partner loves them, 
• Feeling that if their relationship isn’t positive all the time that it’s a destructive relationship

In response to these unwanted obsessive doubts and intrusive thoughts, they may then try to monitor their own feelings toward their partner or seek reassurance from others about their relationship.

People with ROCD might get married, despite these thoughts, and then go on to doubt their marriage and feel as though they should have waited. They may also engage in other relationships to search for a more suitable partner. While the symptoms of ROCD may feel as though they are solid indicators that a relationship is not viable, they are a legitimate subset of OCD recognized by the International OCD Foundation, and they can present significant challenges to a person’s life and their relationships. One study, titled “Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Interference, Symptoms, and Maladaptive Beliefs,” found that individuals with ROCD exhibited maladaptive relationship-related beliefs and significant depressive symptoms.

Other conditions that may arise in tandem with ROCD

People with undiagnosed ROCD may internalize their symptoms and feel as though something is wrong with them or that they are incapable of love, intimacy, or solid romantic relationships because they can’t stop thinking about problems—whether real or imagined. These people might engage in only passing relationships, avoid marriage, and avoid having children—all to keep the anxiety and compulsions that arise in relationships in check. Over time, the lack of connection and intimacy can lead to a worsening of ROCD symptoms and can even result in additional diagnoses, such as depression. People who experience ROCD may also experience severe personal distress, low self-esteem, low relationship satisfaction, and impaired sexual functioning.

How relationship OCD manifests in relationships

There are usually two ways that ROCD shows up in relationships: relationship-centered and partner-focused ROCD. 

Relationship-centered

With relationship-related OCD symptoms, someone may tend to have intense doubt surrounding the relationship itself. For example, people with ROCD may have relationship-centered obsessions and may constantly be seeking reassurance about their relationship, asking friends or family to weigh in on their relationship to try to gain certainty of the situation. They may constantly ask about their partner’s feelings and whether their partner is truly "in" the relationship. Someone experiencing ROCD may experience consistent doubts regarding the rightness of the relationship. In these relationships, the person with the disorder may be nervous about committing to any relationship for fear of making the wrong relationship choice or depriving themselves of greater relationship or sexual satisfaction. These individuals may experience intense fear when it comes to getting married, moving in together, or engaging in similarly large relationship milestones for fear that they've made a mistake.

Partner-focused 

Other individuals with relationship OCD may have obsessive thoughts about their significant other’s previous partners and past sexual activity, or they may obsess that their partner is cheating without any evidence to back up the thought. 

Some people with ROCD have both types, experiencing fear regarding both their relationship and their partner. These fears can compound to create a truly difficult relationship. People who have both types might have difficulty maintaining a long-term relationship with a romantic partner and might experience even greater feelings of depression and anxiety than others who have only one of the ROCD types. 

Regardless of the focus of ROCD, the condition can be overwhelming. Because connection and intimacy tend to be important aspects of the human experience, having ROCD symptoms might put a person at greater risk of developing depression and relationship aversions, and ROCD may result in them avoiding anything but casual relationships.

Managing symptoms on your own

Just as other types of OCD can be treated and managed, there are options for ROCD treatment. Although therapy is usually necessary for at least a portion of treatment, there are steps you can take to help manage your symptoms, neutralize anxiety, and get your relationship on the right track.

1. Take Stock Of Your Relationship. When you feel doubts creeping up about your partner or your relationship, you might take a few moments to sit down and truly think. Do you love your partner? Do you like where you are in your relationship? 
2. Identify Unmet Needs. Relationship OCD can seemingly create problems out of nowhere, but your misgivings can still be evaluated. If you have a persistent feeling that something is not quite right in your relationship, you might give yourself a time limit for really thinking about this and see if you can find a legitimate reason. If your uncertainty is primarily based on appearance or frivolous concerns, it may be that it is affecting you. If not, you may have a solid base where you can start to explore your concerns with a licensed professional.
3. Talk To Your Partner. Despite any fears you might have about your feelings, it can sometimes help to let your partner know what you’re feeling. This may be difficult at first, but discussing your condition with your partner can help your partner understand your unique needs and some of the behaviors associated with ROCD that they may have been blaming themselves for previously. Knowing how your partner feels about the situation can also be beneficial. If there is something in your relationship that isn’t working, your partner may be able to help bring some clarity and a new perspective you hadn’t considered before.

Managing it through therapy 

If you feel overwhelmed by symptoms of ROCD, support is out there. While it may seem intimidating to talk about your experience, a therapist can help you with it and other relationship concerns. Getting professional help may lead to better, longer-lasting results.

Relationship OCD treatment does not necessarily mean a person will stay in their existing relationship. You might feel as though breaking up during treatment is a violation of your treatment process or an indication that you've failed. However, such beliefs can exacerbate ROCD symptoms. You may simply realize that your relationship is not a good fit for your life. Discussing this with a licensed online therapist may help relieve any fears or concerns regarding your progress.

Inference-based approach (IBA) treatment method

Online therapy for relationship anxiety

With the growth of online therapy, help is more available than ever. Research published in BMC Psychiatry has shown online therapy to be effective for OCD, and it offers some unique advantages. With online therapy, you can work with a licensed mental health professional, or choose from a pool of OCD specialists, from the comfort of your home or office—or anywhere you have an internet connection. Another advantage is that online therapy can connect you with a professional who specializes in ROCD therapy, whereas you may be limited in therapist options in your community. 

With BetterHelp, you can be matched with a therapist from a network of more than 25,000 mental health professionals, which may make it easier to find someone with experience helping people with ROCD. Also, you can always change therapists if needed until you find a good fit.