How To Support Someone With A Personality Disorder: Things To Say And Do

Personality can be defined as a person’s way of behaving, thinking, and experiencing emotions. An individual’s personality tends to remain constant over time. Our personalities can make us unique from other people and are usually shaped by our environment, experiences, and inherited traits. 

A personality disorder generally occurs when a person’s way of behaving, thinking, and feeling deviates from the expectations of their culture. These disorders can lead to problems with daily function, and symptoms can persist for long periods of time. 

For people with personality disorders, overcoming the symptoms can be challenging, and many of these disorders affect how people interact with those around them. If you know someone with a personality disorder, it may be challenging to know how to best support them. Learning more about their disorder can be a good place to start. You might also encourage them to seek treatment, celebrate their progress, and reach out to a therapist yourself if your mental health is affected by your loved one’s behavior.

How to help someone with a personality disorder

There are 10 types of personality disorders, each with certain long-term patterns of behavior that differ from what is expected. These conditions can affect how people think about themselves and others, how they experience emotions, how they relate to others, and how they may attempt to control the behavior of people around them. 

For some people with personality disorders, receiving support and encouragement from loved ones can be an essential part of treatment, but it’s not always easy to know how to navigate the relationship and give them the help they deserve. Here are a few ways to support someone with a personality disorder. 

Learn about their disorder

As mentioned, there are 10 personality disorders, each with unique symptoms. For example, someone with BPD may experience a sense of rejection if you don’t respond when they contact you, which can lead to destructive behavior. In contrast, someone with schizoid personality disorder may not return your calls.

By learning about your loved one’s specific disorder, you may grow to understand what type of behavior you can expect from them and determine the best way to respond. Knowing more about their mental illness can also better prepare you to be an advocate for them.

Engage in active listening

Active listening is generally about making a conscious effort to hear and understand someone, committing all your attention to the other person, and limiting interruptions. It can foster empathy and trust, both of which can help someone with a personality disorder perceive they are safe and understood. 

To practice active listening, try to withhold judgment or advice and focus on listening, not responding. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the other person to share, and ask probing questions when you need clarification. Try to validate their emotions to provide comfort and reassurance.

Encourage them to get treatment

Some personality disorders can make it difficult to trust others, and convincing someone with a personality disorder to get help can be challenging. However, if you believe that someone you care for is experiencing signs of mental illness, it can be important to consider having a conversation about seeking help from a professional. 

To start this conversation, choose a time and place that is safe, comfortable, and free of distractions. Approach the conversation with compassion. Asking questions instead of making demands can be an effective approach. For example, instead of saying, “You need to go to therapy,” you might say, “What do you think about talking to a therapist?” If you have experience with therapy, you might discuss how it helped you. 

People with personality disorders do not always understand how their thoughts and behaviors are affecting their lives, so they may ask you to elaborate on your concerns. Using “I” statements can help you express your concerns without sounding judgmental. Try an opening line like, “I’ve noticed you are having trouble with…” or “I’ve seen a change in the way you…” This conversation can be difficult, so try to approach it with empathy and patience.

Support them through treatment

Supporting someone through treatment can be a way to show your support. Doing so can be challenging but rewarding. 

Treatment for many personality disorders often involves medication and psychotherapy. You can help by assisting with scheduling appointments, picking up medication from the pharmacy, or finding a mental health provider. You might offer to accompany your loved one to appointments and talk to their therapist if they think it would help with a diagnosis. Offering someone support and understanding through treatment can make a significant difference in their journey to recovery.

Cope with setbacks and celebrate progress

Recovery is unlikely to be linear. Your loved one will likely experience steps forward and backward along the way. 

When someone has a setback, try to focus on providing unconditional support instead of assigning blame. It can help to discuss their feelings and act as a safe space for them to process how they feel so they can move forward. 

It can also be helpful to celebrate progress, no matter how small. Acknowledging achievement can boost motivation and confidence, encourage growth, and strengthen the connection between you and your loved one.

Have a plan

Research has found that people with personality disorders tend to have an increased risk for suicide and self-harm. It can be frightening to worry about whether a friend or family member is thinking about hurting themselves or struggling with thoughts of suicide. 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Support is available 24/7.

It can be best to have a plan for what to do if your loved one is in crisis. The following guidelines can be a good starting point.

• Stay calm and assess the situation. Ask them what they are thinking or feeling. If it seems like they may be a danger to themselves or others, try to remove anything that could be used to cause harm, including knives, firearms, and medications. If you can and if it is safe to do so, stay with them until the crisis is over. 
• Listen to what they say. Being present and listening to them may help more than anything you might say. Let them know you’re there to help and avoid judging them or acting angrily. 
• Connect them with support. Encourage them to contact their therapist. If they don’t have one, offer to help them find one. Keep emergency crisis hotline numbers saved in your phone in case you need them. If you believe the person is a danger to themselves or others, call 911 and give the dispatcher as much information as possible about their symptoms.

Take care of yourself

You do not have to have a mental illness to benefit from therapy. A counselor can help you learn coping skills and other techniques to set clear boundaries and maintain mental wellness. 

It can be challenging to help someone through mental illness

Get support in online therapy

If you’re interested in working with a therapist, consider an online platform like BetterHelp. With BetterHelp, you can work with a licensed mental health professional from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have a reliable internet connection at a time that works for your schedule.

Research shows that online treatment can be effective. For example, a 2021 study found that online therapy typically reduced symptoms of stress, depression, and anxiety in people who acted as caregivers for individuals experiencing mental or physical illness.