Why Is My Partner So Pessimistic? Reasons Someone Could Have A Negative Outlook

Despite the conventional saying of “opposites attract,” naturally optimistic and pessimistic people may struggle to get along. If you mostly assume that good things will happen and your partner mostly assumes that bad things will happen, your relationship or marriage might feel strained from the distance between the outlooks the two of you take toward the world. Understanding the causes of pessimism may help you to better connect with your partner and work together with them to find a way to build a stronger relationship. 

Common causes of pessimism and negativity

Suppose your default is a positive outlook on everyday life, and your partner’s view is the opposite. In that case, you may be wondering what could lead to the development of a pessimistic attitude. While every person is unique, and your partner likely has a complex set of life experiences that may have influenced their outlook, some of the following reasons could contribute to their pessimism.

Experiences with abuse

Maybe your partner was abused in previous romantic relationships, or they grew up with abusive parents. They may also currently be coping with an abusive dynamic in a relationship external to the one you share with them, such as with a work supervisor or in an unhealthy friendship. 

Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual, and any experience with abuse or adverse life experiences can lead to the development of pessimism,  (as well as increase the probability of future mental health conditions that are also associated with a negative attitude towards life as a whole). If you believe that you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, call 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 for professional support. 

Experiences with loss

If your partner has gone through any jarring, unexpected adverse events associated with losing something important to them (like the death of a loved one, being fired from a job, or undergoing a divorce), they may develop a sense that the world is not a safe or happy place, which can contribute to a pessimistic attitude. 

Mental health challenges

Depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are all linked to patterns of persistent negative thinking. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is associated not just with negative thinking but with the development of a core negative belief system about the world or oneself, i.e., “No one can be trusted” or “I always fail at everything I do.” 

If your partner is demonstrating a consistently negative outlook towards pretty much everything in their life, you may want to consider gently encouraging them to seek therapy, as their attitude may be indicative of a larger mental health concern.

Pessimistic parents

If your partner grew up with parents who didn’t model positive thinking on the bright side, they may not think anything is wrong with acting like the world could end at any given moment.

Past experiences with rejection, humiliation, or disappointment

Your partner may not have experienced abuse or loss, but those kinds of high-level traumatic events are not the only potential contributors to pessimism. If your partner has had multiple negative experiences that center on rejection or disappointment, they may develop a pessimistic attitude because they are afraid of further disappointment and believe that having high expectations could make them more vulnerable.

Low self-esteem

If your partner does not feel good about themselves, they may believe they are incapable of feeling good about anything else in their life. They may also subconsciously desire to bring other people down to make themselves feel better about their perceived shortcomings. Note: if your partner consistently attempts to tear you down, that could signify relationship abuse. You can contact o the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, call 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 for discreet help in determining if what you are experiencing is considered abusive.

Negativity bias

It may surprise you that humans have a “negativity bias” programmed into their brains. A negativity bias is a natural tendency to prefer and remember negative information over positive information. 

Negative events tend to take up more of our attention than positive events, which likely is part of an evolutionary survival strategy – while out hunting and gathering, it makes sense to pay more attention to where potential predators could be lurking than to stop and smell the beautiful wildflowers. For some people, this negativity bias may be more prominent.

A tendency to process emotions through venting

Your partner isn’t always negative, but whenever they experience something stressful, they need to vent about it to you. Does this situation sound familiar? While venting can sometimes be a healthy way of working through emotions, it can also place an unfair emotional burden on the person listening to the vent, especially if the venting dynamic is one-sided (i.e., you are not a person who finds release through venting, or your partner isn’t willing to hear your vents). 

If your partner processes their emotions by venting, it might be helpful to set some boundaries. You might say, “If you have had a tough day at work, you can talk to me, and I will listen and be supportive.  Let’s go walk the dog, and you can tell me about your day. I think we should also set a goal of focusing on something positive once we’re done, so you can start to feel better.”

Communication issues in the relationship

You may not have considered how your relationship might contribute to your partner’s pessimism. After all, if your relationship were the problem, wouldn’t you also have a negative attitude? However, the truth is everyone responds to relationship concerns differently, and if you and your partner are not communicating in the most effective way, those problems may be manifesting in your partner’s outlook toward the world. 

Examples of problematic communication patterns can include consistently criticizing each other, showing contempt towards each other, dismissing each other’s thoughts and feelings, giving each other the silent treatment, or assuming that you know what the other person is thinking (and acting on those assumptions, especially if they are negative).

Support for people in relationships with pessimistic partners

If you are optimistic, living with a pessimistic partner could start to feel grating. If you find that the difference between the way you and your partner look at the world is significantly impacting your relationship satisfaction and you can’t stop worrying that it may lead to the end of your partnership, you may want to consider talking to a professional marriage and family therapist or relationship counselor. 

Your partner’s pessimism may contribute to a skeptical attitude about the effectiveness of therapy and potentially a reluctance to open up to a therapist. If this is the case, you both may benefit from accessing online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp or ReGain, which can take some pressure off of the situation and potentially increase the likelihood of both of you being more vulnerable with your couples therapist. 

One of the advantages to participating in online therapy – in addition to its general affordability compared to face-to-face counseling – is that users can schedule appointments at times that are compatible with their schedule. Whether you’re attending online couples therapy from your office, home, or other location with a wireless connection, your therapist can meet with you on your terms. 

Scientific research indicates that online therapy, including online relationship counseling, can be as effective as traditional in-person therapy. One study found that couples who completed an online therapy course reported greater levels of relationship satisfaction after the therapy’s conclusion. If pessimism is causing concerns in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from speaking to an online relationship counselor.