Splitting Psychology

What exactly is splitting?

Often associated with borderline personality disorder, BPD, splitting is a psychological defense mechanism and cognitive distortion. It involves the tendency to view people, situations, or even themselves in extreme and polarized terms, as either all good or all bad, with little to no middle ground. This black-and-white thinking can lead to distorted perceptions of reality and strained interpersonal relationships.

The ego, in Freudian psychology, is a part of the personality that mediates between the id (primitive, instinctual desires) and the superego (internalized moral and societal standards). Splitting, when applied to the ego, might suggest a fragmentation or division within the individual's sense of self, where they struggle to integrate conflicting thoughts, feelings, or self-concepts. This fragmentation can lead to emotional distress and identity disturbances, which are common features in conditions like borderline personality disorder (BPD). Individuals may experience emotional responses to conflicting thoughts making those with BPD vulnerable to mood swings, anger, and cognitive dissonance. 

What are examples of splitting in relationships?

Splitting in relationships refers to a pattern of thinking or behavior where individuals perceive their partners or significant others as either entirely good or entirely bad, with little room for nuance or ambivalence. This black-and-white thinking can lead to difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships and may result in instability, conflicts, and emotional distress. Here are some examples of splitting in relationships:

• Idealization and Devaluation: Individuals who engage in splitting may idealize their partner during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship, seeing them as perfect, all-knowing, and infallible. However, when conflicts or disappointments arise, they may quickly shift to devaluing their partner, perceiving them as completely inadequate, insensitive, or malicious.
• Rapid Mood Swings: Splitting often leads to rapid and intense mood swings in relationships. For example, someone may go from being deeply in love and happy with their partner to being angry, resentful, or disgusted in a short period. Such behavior and emotional dysregulation may make maintaining healthy relationships challenging. 
• Unrealistic Expectations: Those who engage in splitting may have unrealistic and perfectionistic expectations of their partners. When their partners inevitably fall short of these idealized expectations, they may react with extreme disappointment or frustration.
• Blame and Criticism: During the devaluation phase, individuals may excessively blame and criticize their partner for any perceived shortcomings or relationship difficulties. They may struggle to acknowledge their own role in conflicts.
• Push-Pull Dynamics: Splitting can lead to push-pull dynamics in relationships. Individuals may alternate between pursuing their partner intensely (idealization) and distancing themselves or rejecting their partner (devaluation).
• Fear of Abandonment: Splitting means individuals often have a profound fear of abandonment. They may worry that their partner will leave them, even in the absence of concrete evidence, leading to clinginess or anxious attachment.
• Lack of Trust: The extreme shifts in perception associated with splitting can erode trust in the relationship. Partners may be uncertain about how they will be perceived from one moment to the next, leading to insecurity and instability.
• Difficulty Resolving Conflicts: Splitting can hinder effective conflict resolution in relationships. Individuals may struggle to see their partner's perspective or find common ground, as they are locked into all-or-nothing thinking.
• Cyclical Patterns: Splitting often leads to cyclical patterns of idealization, devaluation, and reconciliation in relationships. These cycles can be exhausting and detrimental to the overall health of the partnership.

Why do people split?

People engage in defense mechanisms like splitting as a way to cope with emotional distress and manage conflicting thoughts, emotions, or desires. While splitting can occur in various situations, it is often associated with certain psychological conditions, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD). 

What to do when someone is splitting?

When someone you care about is engaging in splitting behavior, it can be challenging to navigate, but there are ways you can respond to provide support and potentially help the individual manage their emotions and perceptions more effectively. Here are some steps to consider when someone is splitting:

• Stay Calm and Nonjudgmental: Responding with patience and empathy is crucial. Avoid reacting with anger, frustration, or judgment, as this can escalate the situation.
• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge the person's emotions and feelings, even if you don't agree with their extreme judgments. For example, you can say, "I see that you're really upset right now."
• Encourage Self-Reflection: Gently encourage the individual to explore their thoughts and feelings further. You might ask open-ended questions like, "What's been going on that's making you feel this way?" or "Can you help me understand why you see it this way?"
• Express Concern and Support: Let the person know that you care about their well-being and that you're there to support them. Offer your assistance in finding healthy ways to cope with distress.
• Set Boundaries: If the person's splitting behavior is causing harm or distress to you or others, establish clear and healthy boundaries. Let them know what behavior is acceptable and what is not.
• Avoid Reinforcing Splitting: Refrain from engaging in or validating the splitting behavior. Don't take sides in their extreme judgments or contribute to polarized thinking.
• Suggest Professional Help: If the individual has a history of splitting or it's causing significant problems in their life, gently suggest seeking professional help or mental health services. Therapists, particularly those trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or other forms of psychotherapy or talk therapy, can help individuals address and manage their own feelings and splitting tendencies.
• Be Patient: Overcoming splitting tendencies is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient and understanding, and recognize that progress may be gradual.

Why does your ego destroy you?

Being egotistical or excessively focused on one's ego can have negative consequences for individuals and their relationships. While a healthy ego or sense of self is essential for self-esteem and confidence, when ego becomes excessive or unchecked, it can lead to self-destructive behaviors and damage relationships. Here are some ways in which excessive egotism can potentially harm individuals:

• Isolation: Egotistical individuals may prioritize their own needs, desires, and opinions to the detriment of others. This can lead to social isolation as people distance themselves from those who are self-centered and dismissive of their perspectives.
• Difficulty in Relationships: Excessive ego can make it challenging to form and maintain healthy relationships. Egotistical behavior may involve an inability to compromise, empathize with others, or take their needs into account.
• Lack of Empathy: Egotism can lead to a lack of empathy for others. When individuals are overly focused on themselves, they may have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and experiences of others.
• Conflict: Egotistical behavior can contribute to interpersonal conflicts. These conflicts may arise from a person's need to be right, their resistance to feedback, or their unwillingness to acknowledge their mistakes.
• Impaired Decision-Making: An excessive ego can cloud judgment and lead to poor decision-making. Egotistical individuals may be more prone to making decisions based on their pride or self-image rather than rational or ethical considerations.
• Resistance to Growth: Egotism can hinder personal growth and self-improvement. Individuals who are convinced of their own superiority may be less open to feedback, self-reflection, and constructive criticism.
• Lack of Authenticity: An egotistical persona may mask one's authentic self. Individuals may be compelled to present a facade of confidence and superiority while suppressing vulnerability or self-doubt.
• Loneliness and Alienation: Over time, excessive egotism can lead to loneliness and a sense of alienation. People may find it difficult to connect with others on a deeper, more meaningful level.

How do I demolish my ego?

Becoming less egotistical involves cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and a more balanced sense of self-importance. It's a process that requires introspection, effort, and a commitment to personal growth. Here are some steps you can take to become less egotistical:

• Practice Self-Awareness 
• Develop and Cultivate Empathy
• Cultivate Humility
• Challenge Your Assumptions
• Seek Feedback
• Practice Gratitude
• Practice Mindfulness
• Set Goals for Change

How can ego destroy a relationship?

Being egotistical can significantly damage a relationship by creating an unhealthy dynamic characterized by self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, and communication breakdowns. An egotistical individual often prioritizes their own needs, desires, and opinions above all else. This can lead to a pattern of one-sided decision-making, where the egotistical person's wishes take precedence, leaving their partner feeling unheard and unimportant. Over time, this imbalance erodes trust and mutual respect, as the partner's needs and feelings are consistently disregarded.

Egotistical behavior can result in a lack of empathy and understanding for one's partner. An egotistical person may struggle to see situations from their partner's perspective, which makes it challenging to navigate conflicts or offer emotional support. This emotional disconnect can leave the partner with the belief that they have been isolated and emotionally neglected, ultimately straining the bond between them. In essence, the ego-driven focus on one's own desires and needs at the expense of the relationship's health and the partner's well-being can lead to a destructive and unsustainable dynamic.

What are the two types of splitting?

While there are various ways to categorize splitting, two common types are:

External Splitting: This type of splitting involves the tendency to perceive others or external situations as either entirely good or entirely bad. Individuals who engage in external splitting may idealize certain people or situations, seeing them as perfect, infallible, and fulfilling their needs. Conversely, they may devalue others or situations, viewing them as entirely negative, harmful, or threatening. This type of splitting can lead to rapidly shifting opinions and judgments of people or external circumstances.

Internal Splitting: Internal splitting, also known as self-splitting, occurs when individuals apply the same all-or-nothing thinking to themselves. They may have a fragmented self-concept, alternating between periods of self-idealization and self-devaluation. During self-idealization phases, they may perceive themselves as superior, flawless, and highly competent. In contrast, during self-devaluation phases, they may view themselves as worthless, inept, or deeply flawed. This internal conflict can lead to unstable self-esteem and self-identity.

What causes splitting in a child?

Splitting tendencies in children can be influenced by various factors, including developmental processes, environmental factors, and individual temperament. It's important to note that while some degree of black-and-white thinking is developmentally typical in early childhood, persistent or extreme splitting can be indicative of underlying emotional or psychological challenges. The following are some potential causes and contributing factors of splitting in children:

• Developmental Stage: In early childhood, children often engage in concrete, black-and-white thinking as they are learning to categorize and make sense of the world. This developmental stage is characterized by limited ability to see shades of gray or consider multiple perspectives. However, most children gradually develop more nuanced thinking as they grow older.
• Temperament: Some children may have a temperament that predisposes them to rigid thinking patterns. For example, a child with a naturally intense or impulsive temperament may be more prone to extreme judgments and emotional reactions.
• Family Dynamics: Family dynamics can play a significant role in the development of splitting tendencies. Children may learn splitting behaviors from caregivers or family members who engage in all-or-nothing thinking themselves. Dysfunctional family dynamics, including inconsistent or unreliable caregiving, can also contribute to splitting.
• Trauma or Stress: Exposure to trauma, neglect, or chronic stress during childhood can influence splitting tendencies. Children who have experienced traumatic events may use splitting as a way to make sense of their experiences or to cope with overwhelming emotions.
• Emotion Regulation Difficulties: Some children may struggle with emotion regulation, making them more vulnerable to black-and-white thinking as a way to manage intense emotions. Splitting can temporarily reduce emotional distress by simplifying complex emotional experiences.
• Attachment Issues: Insecure or disrupted attachment relationships in early childhood can impact a child's sense of self and their ability to navigate relationships. Children with attachment issues may use splitting as a defense mechanism to defend themselves from perceived abandonment or rejection.
• Modeling Behavior: Children often model their behavior after significant adults in their lives. If they witness caregivers or role models engaging in splitting, they may adopt similar thinking patterns.
• Mental Health Conditions: In some cases, splitting tendencies in children may be associated with underlying mental health conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, BPD, or other personality disorders. However, diagnosing such conditions in children can be complex and typically requires evaluation by a mental health professional.