Discipline, Punishment, And Rewards: What Parents Need To Know

Every parent has been there: Your child is throwing a tantrum, and you don’t know how to get them to calm down. How can you motivate your children to behave better? The process of disciplining children can be complicated. It may be helpful to better understand the concept of discipline and different disciplinary philosophies. For instance, recent research suggests that both punishment and rewards may not be very effective. Instead, parents may allow children to discover the natural consequences of their actions and make discipline into a collaborative process. An online or in-person therapist can help you navigate parenting difficulties and develop effective disciplinary skills.

What is discipline?

The American Psychological Association lists multiple definitions for the word discipline. One, “control of conduct, usually a child’s, by means of punishment or rewards,” is probably the definition that comes to most people’s minds when thinking about discipline in terms of parenting. Another definition may be more fitting: “Training that is designed to establish desired habits of mind and behavior.” 

Parents usually have many responsibilities regarding their children, including keeping them safe, providing for their basic needs, and teaching them practical, psychological, and behavioral skills so that one day, they will become functioning adults capable of taking care of themselves. Teaching children these skills often involves discipline, which many parents may associate with punishment, but in reality, it can encompass all forms of modifying a child’s behavior. 

What should parents know about discipline?

If you are trying to figure out how to effectively discipline your own children to encourage positive behaviors and discourage negative ones, there may be a few key concepts around discipline to keep in mind.

Discipline usually requires a strong parent-child bond

If your child is afraid of you, or if you do not have a secure and stable relationship with them, any attempts to change their behavior will likely not be successful. Spending quality time with your child and listening to what they say can be ways to nurture a stronger relationship.

Discipline generally needs to be age-appropriate

It would likely not be productive or healthy to attempt to teach a newborn infant not to cry. Discipline typically needs to consider phases of child development and be calibrated to what a child can reasonably be expected to comprehend at a certain age.

Discipline is not always about controlling a child’s behavior

You may have certain ways you wish your child would and would not behave. Many people appreciate a child who can sit respectfully and entertain themselves for long periods of time. 

But children are, in some ways, just like adults – individual people with varied needs and desires. Some children simply have more energy than others, and sitting still may not be as easy for them. 

In general, discipline should be less about trying to change a child’s innate personality traits to fit a preconceived notion of what “good” behavior is and more about empowering the child to be the best version of themselves. 

Discipline is often about communication

At its core, discipline can be described as the process of parents communicating their expectations for their child’s behavior to their child. Since many of these expectations may be complicated for a child to understand, effective discipline can also involve a parent working with their child to help them learn such behavior. Communication tends to be a two-way street: It can also involve parents listening to their children’s needs to understand how rules and boundaries can best support them. 

Discipline can be a collaborative process

With younger children, the standards for behavior will likely be set by adults, as parents normally need to teach small children fundamental concepts of safety, how to appropriately interact with other people, and more. But as the child grows and becomes more mature, and especially when the child enters the teen years and begins to need independence and autonomy to develop into an adult, discipline can be something parents and children discuss together. 

If children feel included in the process of creating behavioral standards, they may be more likely to adhere to those standards and feel respected, which can lead to positive outcomes for everyone.

Discipline doesn’t need to be negative

Discipline is not necessarily about telling a child what they can’t do or what aspects of their behavior need to be changed. In fact, if a child is constantly being corrected or told “no,” they may start to internalize negative feedback and begin to believe that they are inherently bad or wrong. This belief can lead to low self-esteem, which can have several mental health-related consequences. 

Should discipline involve a punishment and reward system?

Some parents may associate discipline with the process of granting rewards and meting out punishments. Punishments are typically negative consequences for undesired behavior, such as sending a child to a time-out in their room after they make a huge mess. On the other hand, rewards can be seen as positive consequences for beneficial behavior, such as giving a child a raise on their allowance for voluntarily cleaning their room.

Physical punishment, especially what some parents may refer to as “spanking,” can cause severe stress and anxiety in children and may cross the line into abuse and childhood trauma, which can do long-term damage to a child’s nervous system and may result in the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

While it may seem counterintuitive, a reward system is not necessarily a productive way of influencing a child’s behavior. Rewarding a child for good behavior may not be as problematic for their future mental health as punishing a child for bad behavior. Still, it may not do much in terms of increasing the likelihood of good behavior in the future. 

Rewards can warp a child’s motivation to the point where they are pursuing the reward as opposed to learning why a particular behavior is desirable or undesirable. Focusing the child’s attention on rewards instead of understanding may also result in a child seeking external validation from the world and believing they are inherently inferior if they don’t receive it. 

What can parents do if both rewards and punishment are ineffective ways of guiding children’s behavior? Integrating some of the beliefs about discipline discussed above can be a helpful way of starting to develop a teaching system where parents and children work together to address behavioral concerns. 

For example, instead of punishing a child for negative behavior, parents can embrace the concept of natural consequences. If a child spends their time playing video games instead of studying, the parent may not ground the child, but instead, may allow the natural result of their behavior to play out – the child may fail the test and receive a lower grade in the class. 

This method can empower a child not only to learn about the world but also to understand that their actions have consequences, whether positive or negative, which can give them a healthy sense of agency in their own life. 

Finding support for parenting concerns

Parenting can be a complex task, and child discipline may be one of its trickiest components. Parents do not have to navigate this process alone, though. Resources on child development and discipline can be found online, through nonprofits such as UNICEF, and through local community groups and social support agencies. Parents can also connect with other adults experiencing parenting challenges through parenting support groups. 

One helpful way for parents to find support, not just in developing a healthy parenting style, but also in processing their own emotions related to parenting challenges, may involve speaking to a therapist. Today’s parents often have complicated schedules, and finding time to attend an in-person therapy appointment can be challenging.

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy may be a beneficial alternative for busy parents. Available through platforms like BetterHelp, online therapy can empower parents to choose appointment times that are compatible with their schedules and don’t require a commute. You can arrange video calls, phone calls, or online chat sessions. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research has demonstrated that online therapy can be just as helpful as traditional in-person therapy, including addressing parenting concerns. One study analyzed the efficacy of online therapy in teaching parenting skills and found that parents who completed a course of online therapeutic treatment were generally able to make significant positive shifts in their parenting styles, which often led to lower levels of anxiety and stress among their children. 

If you want to develop healthy discipline methods, speaking to an online therapist can make a difference.