Discipline Vs. Punishment: What Are The Key Differences?

It can be complicated to determine the most effective way of teaching your child to behave. As a parent, you may wonder about the effectiveness of different parenting strategies, including discipline and punishment. The key distinction between discipline and punishment may be in their intentions. Punishment is generally about controlling a child’s behavior by giving negative consequences for bad behavior. Discipline tends to be about teaching a child effective ways to govern themself. While punishment may be more effective at halting undesired behavior in the short term, it can have long-term negative consequences. Discipline is usually more effective at changing a child’s behavior and helping them learn how to behave appropriately in the future. A licensed therapist can help you work through parenting challenges and concerns through online or in-person therapy sessions.

What is discipline?

The American Psychological Association typically defines discipline in the context of child-rearing as “training that is designed to establish desired habits of mind and behavior.” The traditional meaning of the word may encompass any means of behavioral modification, often including the use of punishment and rewards. 

However, more modern interpretations of the word discipline tend to focus less on the actual outcomes of such behavioral changes and more on the learning associated with the process, which can have a more significant impact on child development and growth. This emphasis is sometimes referred to as positive discipline or positive parenting. 

Below, we elaborate on some of the core tenets of discipline.

Discipline may only be as effective as the strength of the parent-child bond

Discipline should be mindful of a child’s age and developmental stage

A young child may understand concepts in a different way than an older child. Communication about a child’s misbehavior should generally account for what a child can reasonably be expected to comprehend based on their developmental stage. For example, it would likely not be productive to try to teach children under a year old not to cry when their needs aren’t being met. 

Discipline is often about communication

If you are framing discipline as a process of teaching children appropriate ways to behave, then the primary goal of discipline should usually be communicating your expectations to your child. This process will likely include explaining the reasoning behind certain expectations, as well as how to meet expectations in a way that is healthy and beneficial for everyone involved. 

In addition, it can be best to think of communication as a two-way street. Parents should generally listen to their children to understand how expectations and rules can best support them.

Discipline can be a team effort

When children are young, rules and boundaries will primarily be set by parents, as small children usually need to learn critical concepts of safety, appropriate interactions with other people, self-control, and more. But when kids get older, they can benefit from having more of a conversation with their parents about rules. This may be especially true for teenagers, who typically need to develop a sense of autonomy. 

If children feel as though their voices are heard in the process of creating rules, they may believe their parents respect them and have a greater sense of agency in their own lives, which can lead to positive behavioral outcomes. 

Discipline should not be a form of control

In a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent usually recognizes the child as an independent person with their own personality traits, needs, and desires. Not every child may be the same, and it can be unreasonable to expect every child to conform to a societal standard of what a “good” child looks like. It can be important to note that children are also not inherently good or bad.

Discipline may not be about boxing your child into a behavior pattern that doesn’t fit who they are, but instead, it may be about helping your child develop into the best version of themselves.

Discipline shouldn’t emphasize the negative

Because “discipline” may be linked with “punishment” in many people’s minds, parents might assume disciplining their child involves negative consequences for a child’s misbehavior. 

While discipline can involve natural consequences, such as a child getting their feet wet because they refused to put on their rain boots, the main component of discipline generally shouldn’t involve telling your child what they can’t do. When children hear the word “no” a lot, they can start to think of themselves and their impulses as wrong, which can lead to low self-esteem. 

What is punishment?

Punishment usually involves the use of negative consequences when a child breaks the rules or otherwise behaves in an undesirable way. As opposed to positive reinforcement for good behavior, punishment typically makes a child endure pain, shame, or humiliation due to bad behavior. 

While punishment may have historically been considered an effective method of changing a child’s actions, current research indicates that it may not be a productive means of deterring negative behavior in the future and may have a host of long-term maladaptive consequences for children. 

Let’s delve into some important facts for parents to know about punishment.

Children tend to associate punishment with themselves rather than with the corrected behavior

When children are punished, they usually don’t think, “I misbehaved, and in the future, I can behave better.” They may instead think, “I am bad, and that will not change no matter what I do.” Not only does this mentality not usually lead to behavior change, it can cause children to think poorly of themselves, which is often associated with adverse mental health consequences.

Punishment usually assumes negative intent

Unlike discipline, which can be a teaching moment, punishment may be a correction that focuses on a child’s wrongdoing and often includes judgments about a child’s behavior (i.e., “Why would you ever think something like that is okay?”).

Punishment often uses fear, threats, abandonment, and pain to manipulate children

Physical punishment – sometimes called corporal punishment or “spanking” – can increase negative behavior in children. It can also confuse a child, who may wonder, “If it’s not okay for me to hit my sibling, why did my parent just hit me?”

While spanking may have been considered acceptable for past generations, it is now widely considered a form of abuse that can lead to the development of childhood trauma. Other forms of punishment, particularly verbal castigating that involves belittling or humiliation, can also cross the line into child abuse.

If you believe that you or someone you know – regardless of age – is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-7233 or texting START to 88788.

Punishment frequently leads to negative outcomes

Instead of changing their behavior to not encounter punishment in the future, children who are punished are usually more likely to feel ashamed of themselves, may avoid trying new things for fear of being punished, and can view their parent as an adversary, which can lead to an increase in negative behavior and conflict between parents and children. 

Finding support for parenting concerns

Parenting can be a complicated process. There is usually no one-size-fits-all approach to using discipline and punishment when modifying your child’s behavior. Approaching the situation from the lens of discipline and avoiding punishment will likely lead to more beneficial outcomes for your child, but it’s not always an easy path to take. If you want to learn more about child development and ways to refine your parenting style, you may want to consider speaking to a therapist. 

Benefits of online therapy

Parents often have so many obligations to fulfill that the thought of squeezing in an in-person therapy appointment might be overwhelming. Online therapy can be a helpful alternative for busy parents. With online therapy, you can attend your appointments from home, cutting out commute times. Set videoconference meetings, schedule phone calls, or attend online chat sessions – you can choose the communication format that works best for you.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research indicates that online therapy can be just as effective as attending traditional in-person therapy sessions, including when addressing concerns related to parenting. One study found that parents who completed a course of online therapy were usually able to make significant changes to their parenting styles, which typically led to beneficial outcomes for their children. If you are weighing the role of punishment versus discipline in your parenting plans and would like some assistance with figuring out a discipline strategy, online therapy could be a helpful resource.