Rejection And Self-Esteem: How To Preserve Your Confidence After Getting Turned Down

Rejection, in any context, is usually challenging to handle. Whether it has to do with a friendship reaching an end, ostracization from a social group, a failed romantic pursuit, or exclusion from family members, rejection can cause intense emotions, similar to that of . 

Although rejection can be deeply uncomfortable, everyone has experienced it at one point. Rejection is a part of life, but there are ways to defend against its negative effects.

Why does rejection hurt so much?

The human brain is hard-wired for social interaction. Almost everyone craves acceptance and inclusion. For many years, psychologists paid little attention to the effects of rejection, taking them as merely a natural, if unpleasant, fact of existence. For most people, a desire to be accepted affects many parts of their lives, having a far more profound impact than scientists once considered.

In the early 2000s, researchers found evidence that social rejection activates the same areas of the brain associated with physical pain. This is believed to be one reason that even small rejections can often feel disproportionately painful, especially to those sensitive to rejection. Rejection from peers also causes strong negative emotions, sometimes leading to sadness, worry, anger, and aggression.

Scientists theorize that the strong link between rejection, physical pain, and a strong sense of negativity comes from a deeply entrenched need to belong that evolved in the early days of prehistoric humanity. This was likely because early humans could not be fully independent, and those who stayed in groups were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. 

The need for belonging, acceptance, and social contact may have helped early human groups to form, allowing humans to achieve more together than they could separately.

How the brain handles exclusion

Rejection often causes intense reactions because it directly threatens several core psychological processes. Rejection is a precursor to ostracization, and the threat of losing human contact can cause severe existential stress. 

Researchers are still investigating the effects of ostracization and rejection, but scientists do have a theoretical model that attempts to explain how people process rejection: the temporal need-threat model. The temporal need-threat model has three separate stages: reflexive, reflective, and resignation.

Reflexive stage

The reflexive stage occurs immediately following rejection. Rejection and exclusion are often felt as pain and threaten four fundamental psychological needs: belonging, self-esteem, control, and a meaningful existence. Romantic rejection threatens the same needs as rejection by peers or family. 

The first two needs typically require building and developing strong social connections, while the latter two do not require social contact. At this stage, contextual factors have little impact on the intensity of the pain; the severity of the rejection largely determines its intensity and duration.

Reflective stage

They may also feel an amplified negative reaction as the realities of the rejection are realized. Following this appraisal, the individual may lean on their emotional management strategies and make changes to make themselves more likable. They may also avoid talking to the individual or group who rejected them while they reflect on the reasons why it occurred. 

Resignation stage

If an individual is repeatedly rejected or ostracized, they will eventually deplete the resources available to them for managing rejection. At this point, the individual accepts the essential message of their rejection: the rejector does not want to associate with them. 

People usually attempt to remedy this by finding other social opportunities, perhaps by joining a new social group, finding another romantic pursuit, or otherwise abandoning those who rejected them.

If the individual cannot find new social opportunities, they cannot meet the socially driven needs of belonging and self-worth. At this stage, they may prioritize the needs that do not require social interaction: control and a meaningful existence. Researchers theorize that when aggression appears following rejection, the individual is attempting to regain control.  

Building confidence to defend against rejection’s negative effects

Rejection and self-esteem are closely related. Robust confidence and a strong self-image can help you confront rejection in healthy, productive ways. Furthermore, evidence suggests that confidence can  and aggression appearing as you recover.

Low self-esteem may be the greatest barrier to healthily recovering from rejection, but confidence and self-image can be built with time and effort. There are also other benefits; high confidence can sometimes protect you against mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, which are a higher risk when an individual has experienced severe rejection or ostracization. 

There is also evidence to suggest that confidence and a strong self-image can help you stick to healthy emotional management skills rather than unhealthy ones, like substance misuse.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Here are some strategies that can help improve self-esteem:

Challenge your cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are thoughts that are not based on facts; they often harm how you feel about yourself. Self-love is very important for confidence, and unloving thoughts could make you feel worse about yourself. Cognitive distortions often become automatic and may impact you without you realizing it.

Below are some common distortions that can lower confidence:

• Labeling: When you label yourself, you put yourself into a narrow, rigid category. For example, if you think of yourself as “bad in social situations,” you may be less likely to interact with others than if you labeled yourself positively or not at all.
• Disqualifying the positive: If you have low confidence, you might ignore or dismiss positive things about yourself. Recognizing your positive traits is an important part of maintaining confidence and protecting against the harmful effects of rejection.
• Should-ing: Sometimes, you might get stuck thinking about what you "should" be doing instead of what you can realistically achieve. For instance, if you feel like you should have achieved more in your career by now, you might inadvertently lower your confidence and make it harder to achieve goals that are within your reach.
• Personalization: It's easy to take things personally and think that negative things happen because of who you are. If you always blame yourself for bad experiences or interactions, recovering from rejection or building confidence can be challenging.

You may not be able to identify all your cognitive distortions immediately, but you will likely notice some negative self-talk or thoughts about yourself. When you find yourself engaging in a cognitive distortion, take a moment to challenge it logically. It could make all the difference.

Do you have a good reason for disqualifying positive things about yourself? Are you really at fault for a poor social interaction? If you can't find a logical reason for your negativity – and sometimes there will be one; everyone has flaws and makes mistakes – try replacing the negative thought with a positive one, even if it doesn't feel right.

Regular exercise

Exercise is a great way to improve how you feel about yourself and is one of the best forms of self-care. Not only does it keep you in good physical shape, but it also helps protect against mental conditions like depression and anxiety. When you exercise, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel accomplished and successful, often boosting your confidence.

Change your style

The clothes you wear not only affect how others see you but also how you see yourself. Trying out a new wardrobe can give you a confidence boost. It's not always about following the latest trends or trying to impress others. Instead, choose clothes that make you feel good about yourself when you wear them. You're more likely to act confidently when you feel you look good.

Step outside your comfort zone

Building confidence in social situations can be challenging if you always stick to what's comfortable. Challenge yourself by trying something new that takes you out of your social comfort zone. Join a class or group where you'll meet new people. 

You can also go to places or events where strangers are encouraged to mingle. Approach individuals respectfully and start conversations to build confidence and reduce your fear of rejection.

How can online therapy help?

Conducting therapy sessions online has become increasingly popular, especially in recent years. You may be able to work with a therapist to help you recover from rejection, build confidence, and manage the fear of future rejection. 

They can also help you become more sociable and outgoing. Online therapists use the same effective, evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists, such as interventions to improve confidence. Seeing a therapist remotely may make therapy more accessible to those with scheduling, transportation, or mobility challenges. What’s more, studies indicate online therapy can be  as in-office therapy.