Rejection In The Workplace: How To Pick Yourself Back Up

Rejection in the workplace can feel just as frustrating as in any other setting, if not more. The human brain responds to exclusions and rebuffs strongly; it is hard-wired to detect social exclusions or slights, and the workplace is a socially dynamic environment. 

Social dynamics and rejection in the workplace

Depending on your job, you may have to navigate complex social hierarchies, coworker cliques, or frustrating bosses. Rejections, whether real or perceived, are a normal part of life, even in your career. 

Why rejection can feel unpleasant

No matter the setting, being rebuffed is generally unpleasant. It doesn't matter if you are pursuing someone romantically, feeling left out from a friend group, getting passed over for a promotion at work, or knee-deep in a job search. The feelings are typically strong, and the situation may not feel fair. 

Social rejection at work and its effects

The human brain has a strong built-in need for social interaction, acceptance, and inclusion. While some rejections are specific to the workplace, like a boss frequently canceling meetings with you, most take place in general social situations.

For example, if you don't receive an invitation to a coworker's party–assuming you see them as a friend–the exclusion will likely feel the same as if a friend outside of work had snubbed you. When you experience rejection at work, your brain largely responds the same way it would in any other social situation because the cause of your emotion is deeply rooted; the context of being at work doesn't matter much.  

The physical and emotional pain of rejection in the workplace

Following a surge of research into social exclusion and ostracization in the 1990s, scientists conducted experiments that linked social rejections with not only emotional pain but physical pain, as well. The areas of the brain that light up when you're physically hurt also engage when you're rebuffed or excluded. 

This is likely one of the reasons that small rebuffs can feel disproportionately painful and can sometimes lead to intense negative emotions like anger and aggression. One prominent theory for the relationship between physical pain, emotional pain, and social rejection points to the human need to belong. In the early days of humanity, humans may have evolved a strong social drive and need for acceptance to promote cooperation and cohesion.

Evolutionary origins of rejection

From an evolutionary perspective, the intensity of the brain's reaction to exclusion or being disregarded was likely a way for early humans to prevent being ostracized. Social rejections typically occur in response to antisocial behavior–actions that harm the rest of the group–and behaviors that indicate someone may burden the group. 

For pre-historic humans, the strong emotional response to social exclusion may have served as some type of alarm that an individual would be removed from the tribe if they didn't change their behavior.

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria in the workplace

In the workplace, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) can be challenging to manage and have significant effects. Individuals with RSD may experience extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, leading to strong reactions of stress that exceed what an individual typically feels when excluded or rebuffed. The worst outcomes are often found in those diagnosed with ADHD.

While RSD is not recognized as an official diagnosis, it is widely discussed within the mental health community. It is worth mentioning when discussing how to handle rejections in the workplace because of the substantial impact it can have on productivity.

Impact on self-esteem and well-being

Research suggests that RSD can profoundly impact an individual's self-esteem and overall well-being. It can lead to a constant state of vigilance, as individuals with RSD constantly anticipate exclusion and disregard.

Manifestations of RSD in social and personal contexts

This can manifest as avoiding social situations or an intense need for reassurance and validation from others. The fear of rejection can also hinder their ability to take risks or pursue their goals, as the potential for failure becomes unavoidable.

If you think RSD may accurately describe your experience and may have already impacted your productivity or well-being in some way, consider speaking with a therapist for guidance. 

How to manage rejection at work

Managing rejections in the workplace is nearly identical to managing other rejections, like those in romantic, platonic, or family relationships. A few basic strategies you can try are listed below:

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness refers to an awareness of one's internal emotional state as it relates to their environment. In other words, what are you feeling, what is that feeling in response to, and what can you do about it? Evidence indicates that mindfulness can help reduce the intensity of your emotional response and help you confront the situation positively.

Try these steps to increase your mindfulness:

1. Let your emotions drift. After an initial rejection, it can be tempting to fixate on regulating your negative reactions. Instead, allow yourself to recognize your emotions as though you were a third-party observer. The goal is to be aware of your thoughts and emotions but avoid acting on them or trying to force a change. 
2. Pay attention to your body. What physical indicators of your emotion are you experiencing? If your heart is racing, you're short of breath, or you have a knot in your stomach, your body is telling you that your stress is overloaded. Take a few long, deep breaths before continuing. Breathing exercises, guided imagery, and focusing on engaging your senses can all help ground you. 
3. Challenge the narrative. When recovering from exclusion or being disregarded, it is easy to fall into your personal story or narrative, which often means framing yourself as a victim and the rejector as the perpetrator. Challenge that thought by thinking of alternative reasons for their behavior. Perhaps your coworker is having an off day, or maybe they aren't even aware of their impact on you. Offering the benefit of the doubt will likely help you and your well-being.
4. Reflect on the situation. Consider the situation and use it as a learning experience. Is there anything you can do to improve? Does your working relationship with your coworker need to change? How can you proceed while keeping your best interests at heart?

Ask for feedback from your company

In a workplace setting, asking for constructive comments when managing rejection is often appropriate. If your boss didn't put you on a project that you were excited about, it might be okay to politely request more information about their decision. When people feel slighted, they sometimes assume that the other person is operating out of malice.

Assuming malicious intent can increase your anger and make it harder to objectively evaluate the situation. Maybe your boss didn't put you on the project because they have a legitimate need for you elsewhere or misinterpreted your desire for the project.

If your boss had a good reason for not giving you the assignment you wanted, asking for their reasoning may be an excellent opportunity to learn and grow as an employee. The key is approaching your boss (or coworker, depending on the situation) with respect, civility, and a genuine desire to improve.

Focus on positive accomplishments

When recovering from an unpleasant interaction with a coworker, it is very easy to fall into unhelpful, negative thought patterns. Called cognitive distortions, these thought processes often make it harder to feel good about yourself, stay motivated, and achieve your goals.

One distortion, disqualifying the positive, is especially relevant here. It is important to remember that rejections are relatively rare, and the disproportional feeling of negativity, rather than the actual reasons, often makes them feel quite weighty.

The most important thing to do is to allow yourself to have that moment of positivity and avoid disqualifying your positive experiences as soon as things turn negative.

Seeking help for rejection sensitivity within a company

If you think RSD or general feelings of rejection may be impacting your performance or relationships at work, seeking professional help or support within your company can be beneficial.

How can online therapy help?

Online therapy has become increasingly popular as more people turn to it for help with many of life's challenges. Therapy isn't just for diagnosed mental illnesses.

A therapist can often help you process past rejections, build confidence, and become more assertive. An online therapist may also help you develop many other skills that will help you in the workplace.

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques and strategies as traditional therapists, and seeing a therapist online can remove some common barriers to therapy. Some people find it challenging to travel to a therapist’s office, and others might simply prefer speaking to a therapist from the comfort of their own homes.

Evidence also indicates that online therapy is  as face-to-face therapy you would receive in an office setting.