The Impacts Of Being Excluded

Everyone will likely feel left out of a social situation at some point in their lives. Maybe they were picked last for team sports in elementary school gym class, or perhaps someone they considered a good friend didn’t invite them to their wedding. Experiences of social exclusion can feel deeply hurtful, partly because the human brain tends to be wired to crave social acceptance. You may find it helpful to validate your emotions, think through the situation rationally, and seek help from a therapist online or in your local area.

The benefits of social connection

If you are feeling sad after being excluded from a friendship group activity you thought you would be invited to, it may seem tempting to dismiss your hurt feelings as an example of emotional drama that doesn’t really matter.

The truth is that the need to be included may not simply be a superficial desire but an evolutionary drive. Human beings tended to be more likely to survive in the early days of our species if they banded together in groups. If a person wasn’t accepted by their community, their life could be threatened. 

In general, living in communal groups also led to numerous benefits for our species, including specialized labor, increased access to food and resources, and enhanced abilities to complete tasks as a group that would have been impossible for an individual to do alone, such as the design and construction of buildings and cities. Consider that moment in third grade when your friends didn’t save a spot for you at the lunch table, and you wanted to cry. That was likely your evolutionary drive telling you that you needed social connection to survive. 

What does experiencing exclusion look like in the brain?

Research indicates that our brains may experience the hurt associated with exclusion as similar to physical pain. One study examined brain scans from people playing a simple virtual catch game called “Cyberball,” in which three participants threw a ball to each other. 

Unbeknownst to the participant, the two other people were part of the experiment and would eventually start throwing the ball only to each other, excluding the participant. When this rejection happened, scientists noticed that the anterior insula and dorsal anterior cingulate brain regions in the participants’ scans typically lit up. Those two areas are often associated with the brain’s response to physical pain. 

This research indicates that the human brain may be unable to differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Being excluded from a group or social circle could feel as painful as scraping your knee or breaking your arm. 

The effects of feeling excluded

Beyond a pain response in the brain, there are several other potential impacts a person may experience due to exclusion. Going through a social rejection can lead to physical responses, cognitive impacts, and emotional reactions. 

It can be important to note that not everyone experiences the same effects of exclusion. Some people tend to be more likely to respond by internalizing their rejection and adapting their behavior to be more appealing to other people. In contrast, others may respond by externalizing the situation, blaming others, and reacting angrily or aggressively. Potential results of exclusionary experiences may entail:

• A decreased sense of self-worth
• A higher likelihood of developing symptoms of depression
• Worse quality of sleep
• More friendly and inoffensive behavior in an attempt to repair relationships
• Difficulties with insecurity, jealousy, and sadness in future relationships (intimate, romantic, and platonic)
• Increased feelings of anger and frustration
• Lower performance on tasks related to cognition, intellect, and memory
• Decreased impulse control, particularly regarding aggressive behavior
• Raised levels of anxiety and/or irritability
• Adaptations in behavior to act more helpful and conscientious (to fit in)
• A proclivity for enacting one’s own exclusion onto others

For those who engage in behavioral modifications that deviate from authenticity and veer toward conformity, the consequences may be surprisingly detrimental. People may be able to see through these changes and further exclude them, which can lead to a vicious cycle that weakens one’s sense of social connectedness and perpetuates social isolation.

Ways to process exclusion experiences

Understanding that your brain is hardwired to feel pain after social rejection may not make being excluded from a gathering of good friends any less hurtful. There may be several ways you can address the pain of exclusion in a manner that is healthy and likely to lead to fewer exclusionary experiences in the future. 

Validate your emotions

After learning that you were excluded, your immediate response may involve blame, anger, or hurt. It can be helpful to take a step back and attempt to better understand your feelings. This intentional pause may also ensure you do not immediately jump to some form of retaliation as a next step.

It can be tempting to try to ignore intense feelings or to attempt to numb them entirely, but both of those actions can lead to problematic behaviors such as substance use, emotional eating, angry outbursts, and self-harm.

Determine the specifics of the situation

Sometimes, exclusion can be entirely accidental. Many people have complicated schedules and competing demands on their time these days, and it’s possible for details like double-checking the guest list for an event to fall through the cracks. Instead of assuming you were excluded on purpose, reaching out to an event organizer to check and see if the exclusion was accidental can be helpful. This process can be scary, but it can also be a potential opportunity for personal growth.

Gaining a better understanding of what happened relative to your exclusion may help you find ways to prevent similar situations from occurring again. If you were excluded for a specific reason, you may also have the opportunity to address that reason. 

How therapy can help you move past exclusion

There may only be so much you can do on your own to help yourself feel better after experiencing an instance of exclusion, especially since our brains can struggle to differentiate between social rejection and physical pain. In these instances, talking to a licensed and credentialed therapist may be helpful. 

Benefits of online therapy

It may seem overwhelming or embarrassing to share details about such an intimate life situation with someone whom you do not know. Online therapy – available through platforms like BetterHelp – may be a way of helping yourself feel more comfortable opening up, as you can talk to your therapist from the comfort of your own home. They can meet you with compassion and non-judgment, striving to help you identify your feelings, clarify misunderstandings, and process negative emotions on your terms.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Scientific research has found that attending therapy online may have similar benefits to attending traditional in-person therapy sessions. One study found that online therapy could be helpful in combating symptoms of depression and raising lowered levels of self-esteem, both of which can result from feeling excluded. An online therapist can be a valuable resource if you would like to work through hurt feelings after social rejection.