Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?

Asking someone out and being told they’re not interested, finding out you weren’t invited to dinner with your friends, being excluded from a project your colleagues are working on: These can all be examples of rejection. No matter the context, rejection can sting. In fact, researchers have found that your brain typically registers the pain of rejection similarly to the pain of a broken arm. Humans tend to be hardwired to crave acceptance. For just about everyone, however, rejection can be a part of life. Developing healthy coping strategies can help you respond appropriately when you experience rejection. However, if the pain of rejection is negatively impacting your life, you may want to consider talking to a mental health professional for additional support.

What is rejection?

Rejection usually involves explicit or passive exclusion from an interaction or relationship. It can occur in almost any social setting, whether among friends or at work.

Types of rejection

Sometimes, the first step in working through rejection can be identifying exactly what happened. Some forms of rejection may be more hurtful than others. Being excluded by coworkers may hurt less than being excluded by your immediate family, for example. Depending on your personality, you may also struggle with a specific type of rejection, whether it’s face-to-face or finding out you were not invited to an event. 

• Explicit rejection: Explicit rejection typically happens to your face. It may involve someone telling you they’re not interested in the interaction or relationship you’re initiating. It might also occur when you smile at someone and they ignore you.
• Exclusion: Exclusion can be demonstrated in the Mean Girls line, “You can’t sit with us!” When you’re excluded, you’re generally shut out from being involved in a particular social situation. 
• Ostracism: Ostracism is often used interchangeably with exclusion, and the two tend to share similar characteristics. However, ostracism typically occurs when people ignore you while you’re in their presence. You may have also been part of the group before, but for whatever reason, the majority may verbally or tacitly change your status by ostracizing you.
• Romantic rejection: Romantic rejection can occur when the person you’re trying to pursue a relationship with is uninterested or when the person you’re romantically involved with rejects you in some form (i.e., a long-term partner doesn’t invite you to a large family event).
• Social rejection: Social rejection most commonly happens between friends (i.e., your friends go out for dinner and intentionally don’t invite you).
• Familial rejection: This rejection usually occurs within your biological or chosen family (i.e., your family purposely takes a family photo without you).
• Professional rejection: Professional rejection typically occurs in the workplace, but it may also happen in other professional settings, such as within a volunteer organization or professional club you belong to (i.e., your coworkers create a Slack channel to chat but don’t invite you and often make fun of you within the channel).

A key distinction here may be that while some groups of people may not mean to intentionally reject someone – as in the case of friends going out to lunch without inviting one of the group or a family taking a photo without realizing you were in the bathroom – the perception of rejection can feel quite real.

Psychological impacts of rejection: Why does rejection hurt so much?

In general, the pain of rejection is not just something you imagine. Research has shown that rejection usually hurts so much because it activates parts of the brain that involve both pain's sensory and emotional components. 

When you’re rejected, your emotional pain can be just as agonizing as your physical pain. But why do our brains respond to rejection similarly to the way they respond to physical pain? According to evolutionary psychologists, our brains may be trying to protect us. 

For most of human history, we typically needed to belong to social groups. A lone individual usually couldn’t survive without the support and protection of others. As technology has advanced, it has generally become possible to survive independently, but our brains may still be wired to protect us by encouraging social connection.

Common responses to rejection

When you experience rejection, several responses may occur. Some may be automatic responses, such as how your body responds physically and psychologically. Others can be intentional, including your behavioral response to rejection. 

Our brains tend to associate rejection with negative emotions. Scientists have identified seven emotions that often arise when someone experiences rejection: loneliness, jealousy, hurt feelings, social anxiety, shame, guilt, and embarrassment. For many people, their self-esteem takes a hit when they’re rejected. 

Social exclusion can have physical impacts as well. Our bodies often react to exclusion in the same way they react to an environmental threat. Our heart rate, blood pressure, and glucose levels may immediately rise. Thousands of years ago, a person cut off from the group would likely face imminent danger, and our bodies often still respond as though that is true. 

In some cases, rejection has been shown to trigger aggression. According to the Multimotive Model, people typically respond to rejection by changing their behavior in one of three ways. They become prosocial and befriend others, asocial and withdraw, or antisocial and show aggression.

Researchers have found that people tend to be most likely to respond to rejection with aggression when they believe the rejection is unwarranted or they see no hope for a future relationship with the person who rejected them.

Potential consequences of frequent rejection

Frequent experiences of rejection – whether intentionally or inadvertently caused – can have long-term psychological and physical consequences. For example, if a child is consistently abused* or abandoned by a parent, they may be more likely to develop depression. Frequent rejection has also been linked to developing anxiety and mood disorders, immuno-incompetence, and cardiovascular disease. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

How to cope and find support

Rejection can be an inevitable part of life. Psychologists suggest that many people take rejection much more personally than they should. Not getting hired for the job doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a lousy employee; it may just mean the company found someone who was a better fit than you at the time. Knowing how to keep rejection in perspective can lessen its adverse impacts on your life. 

Healthy coping strategies

Implementing a few strategies to help you cope with rejection can be life-changing. When you’re equipped to experience rejection and then move on, you may find that rejection doesn't feel as painful as it once did. 

Acknowledge the pain that the rejection has caused

When you’re rejected, it may be tempting to try to “save face” by acting like what happened didn’t bother you. Even if that’s how you respond in public, it can be important to take time alone to process how you feel. Even minor rejections can sting. Try to acknowledge the negative feelings that came up so you can work through them and move forward.

Don’t automatically blame yourself

The fact that you were rejected doesn’t always mean something is wrong with you. There’s a good chance that you don’t want to build a relationship with every person you encounter. Sometimes, people just don’t click, and that can be a part of life. There’s also a chance that someone rejected you because of personal circumstances you don’t know about. Try not to assume the worst in yourself every time you experience rejection. 

Place yourself in a more nurturing environment

Rejection can be damaging to your self-esteem. To mitigate that damage, you might take some time to surround yourself with people who appreciate what you have to offer. Call your brother to chat or plan dinner with a friend you can always count on. In doing so, you can affirm your self-worth and be reminded that people value you for who you are.

Maintain healthy routines

The emotional pain of rejection can be amplified if your physical health isn’t in good condition. Ensure you’re taking care of yourself by eating a balanced diet, maintaining an adequate water intake, getting at least seven hours of sleep each night, and finding time to move your body throughout the day. 

Try again

The value of therapy

Sometimes, it may seem daunting to process feelings of rejection all on your own, or you may need help figuring out where to start as far as building healthy coping strategies. A therapist can guide you in processing your feelings and learning how to cope with rejection in the future. 

Benefits of online therapy

If it seems like everyone you meet rejects you in some form, you may be hesitant to bring someone new into your life, even if that someone is a therapist. With online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can fill out an initial questionnaire that matches you with a compatible therapist. You can meet with them in the format where you feel most comfortable: videoconferences, phone calls, or online chat.

Effectiveness of online therapy

For those who have experienced long-term rejection, online therapy can be a helpful way to work through its negative impacts on their mental health, especially if it’s contributed to conditions like depression or anxiety. Current research suggests that online therapy tends to be equally effective as in-person therapy when it comes to treating a wide variety of mental health disorders and concerns.