Understanding And Overcoming Social Rejection
Experiencing social rejection can be a painful and disheartening ordeal. In some cases, rejection can even cause human beings to feel physical pain. The impact on your self-esteem and self-worth can be profound, with the resulting hurt feelings leaving you questioning your value and struggling to regain confidence. Below, we’ll explore some tips and psychological science insights for those seeking to rebuild their self-esteem after being socially rejected. By exploring different strategies and perspectives, you might begin to see social rejection through different lenses and come away more resilient than before.
Effects of social rejection
Rejection affects us in a variety of ways, and It’s possible to experience a range of emotions when facing social exclusion, many of which may be considered negative emotions. It can also have negative physical effects in the short and long term.
Social exclusion has some pretty intense emotional effects
For many people, the emotions that come with the pain of rejection include:
- Sadness
- Anger
- Frustration
- Confusion
Behind these emotions often lies the deep-rooted pain of rejection and a fractured sense of belonging. When one's place in social circles becomes uncertain, it can amplify these feelings and create a cycle of self-doubt and isolation.
If you are experiencing some of these emotional responses, it might be best to try to acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself to experience them without judgment. They could be a natural part of the healing process. By going through this experience and feelings of rejection, you might find that you come out the other side with a renewed sense of self-worth.
Physical pain
Humans are wired for social interaction, and our survival frequently relies on it even now—though perhaps to a less direct extent than it did when humans first evolved. So it makes sense that losing something so integral to survival would be emotionally painful. This emotional pain can translate or migrate into physical pain as well.
For instance, the dorsal anterior cingulate region of the brain has been linked to processing feelings of social rejection—but it has also been noted to be activated during experiences of physical pain. This may be why individuals can experience a sense of physical pain in response to negative emotional stimuli such as social rejection.
Effects on self-esteem
According to research in the field of social psychology, the impact of social rejection on self-esteem can be significant, but it doesn’t have to be long-lasting. When facing rejection, some people internalize these negative peer group experiences and develop unhealthy beliefs about themselves. This might manifest in various ways.
Self-doubt
Repeated social rejection may lead to persistent self-doubt that may cause you to question your abilities, decisions, and worthiness in various aspects of life.
Self-blame
Some people who experience peer rejection internalize blame, believing that they might be solely responsible for the rejection and must be flawed or inadequate in some way.
Fear of being further socially rejected
As self-esteem decreases, you may become increasingly fearful of further rejection experiences, leading you to avoid social interactions, experience increased anxiety, and be reluctant to form new connections or find new peer groups.
Negative self-talk
A decrease in self-esteem could increase internalized aggressive behavior like negative self-talk. Negative self-talk often involves criticizing yourself harshly for perceived failures or shortcomings.
Decreased motivation
When self-esteem is negatively affected, it might be possible for you to experience a decline in motivation, making it difficult for you to pursue personal goals or engage in activities you once enjoyed.
Poor impulse control
Rejection may also cause you to experience poor impulse control, often in an effort to cope with overwhelming emotions. This can mean using unhealthy coping mechanisms that may have a negative effect on your physical health.
Impaired mental health
The ongoing effects of social rejection in the long term and the resulting decrease in self-esteem could contribute to mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression. According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, rejection can also lead to other mental health challenges. One experimental social psychology study found that participants who were told that no one in the group wanted to work with them or were excluded in various ways experienced various impairments, including self-regulation.
How to minimize the effects of social exclusion
We’ll all experience some form of social exclusion at various points in our lives, and in many different states of mind. The simple truth is that we can’t—and shouldn’t try to—make everyone accept us.
However, we can learn to manage how we respond to such incidents. Below are some strategies you can use to counteract the negative effects social rejection can have on your mind and body.
Acknowledge your worth
One of the first steps in trying to rebuild self-esteem after interpersonal rejection might be to recognize your inherent value as a person. This might seem complicated, especially when you're feeling low, but you might try to remind yourself of the following:
- You deserve love and respect
- The opinions of others and the number of social relationships you have do not determine your worth
- You have unique strengths and qualities that make you special
Practice self-compassion
You may find that being kind to yourself is a crucial part of rebuilding self-esteem. You can treat yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation. The following are some ways to practice self-compassion:
- Speak kindly to yourself
- Forgive yourself for past mistakes
- Focus on your strengths and accomplishments
- Develop healthy coping strategies (including those relating to your physical health)
- Connect with supportive people
Surrounding yourself with people who uplift and provide social support can be a vital component of rebuilding self-esteem.
Learn to say no
Part of rebuilding self-esteem involves learning when to say no to others. This might mean
- Declining invitations or requests that don't align with your values or priorities
- Communicating your boundaries with others
- Prioritizing your own needs and well-being
- Advocating for yourself
It can help to stand up for yourself and assert your needs, especially when handling social situations. This might involve:
- Expressing your feelings and opinions respectfully
- Asking for what you need or want
- Standing up for yourself when you feel disrespected or mistreated
- Reflecting on and learning from your experiences
Journaling can be an effective way to process your thoughts and feelings related to rejection sensitivity. Writing about your experiences might help you:
- Gain clarity and perspective
- Identify patterns in your thinking or behavior
- Track your progress and growth over time
- Embrace imperfection
- Accept your flaws
Set realistic goals
Setting achievable goals for yourself can be an effective way to build confidence and foster a sense of accomplishment, particularly when you’re rebuilding self-esteem after social rejection. Thoughtful goal-setting might encourage personal growth and development while providing a roadmap for success.
When setting goals, consider the following strategies:
Break them down into smaller, manageable steps
You might find that you make progress without feeling overwhelmed by dividing larger goals into smaller, more achievable tasks. This approach might allow you to focus on one step at a time, making the overall goal more attainable and less daunting.
Be realistic with your expectations
Consider setting challenging yet achievable goals based on your current skills, resources, and circumstances. Setting unrealistic goals might lead to frustration and disappointment, which may negatively impact your self-esteem.
Prioritize your goals
Try to determine which goals are most important to you and focus your efforts on those. By prioritizing, you can devote your energy to what matters most and avoid spreading yourself too thin.
Create a timeline
Establishing a realistic timeline that considers potential obstacles and setbacks might help you achieve your goals. A well-planned timeline often helps maintain motivation and provides a clear path for progress.
Monitor your progress
Aim to regularly assess your progress toward your goals, noting successes and areas for improvement. Monitoring your progress allows you to adjust as needed and keeps you focused on your objectives.
Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to reach your goals
Recognize that change and growth might take time, and it can help to be patient with yourself during this process. Setbacks may occur, but you can view them as opportunities to learn and refine your approach.
Celebrate your progress along the way
Acknowledging and celebrating your accomplishments, both large and small, can boost your self-esteem and motivation. Consider taking the time to appreciate your hard work and recognize the progress you've made toward achieving your goals.
By incorporating these strategies into your goal-setting process, you can create a solid foundation for success and enhance your self-esteem as you work toward personal growth and development.
Build self-esteem in online mental health therapy
One benefit of therapy, as it relates to rebuilding self-esteem after social rejection, is the opportunity to work with a trained professional who can help you navigate the complexities of your emotions and thoughts. In many cases, emotions that are negative affect your ability to socialize and bounce back from rejection. A therapist can provide a safe space to express your feelings and explore the reasons behind your reactions to rejection, including conditions like rejection-sensitive dysphoria. A therapist may also be able to offer you social skills training tips and help you develop healthy coping strategies. By going to online therapy, you may gain great insights into your patterns of thinking and behavior, which can be instrumental in fostering self-compassion, setting realistic goals, and ultimately rebuilding your self-esteem.
Online therapy for thriving after social rejection
Research has shown online therapy to be just as effective as in-office therapy, and it may be especially helpful if you’re experiencing low self-esteem at this time. With BetterHelp, you can talk to a therapist from the comfort of your own home with just a computer (or other internet-connected device.) Using audio chat, video chat, or in-app messaging, you can contact your therapist in between sessions via in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can.
With the proper support and guidance of an online therapist, you may gain great insights into your patterns of thinking and behavior, which can be instrumental in fostering self-compassion and ultimately restoring your self-esteem.
Takeaway
What is the role of a social therapist?
A social therapist could refer to a therapist who practices social therapy or a therapist whose theoretical orientation is based on the study of how individuals affect and are affected by other people, social environments, and physical environments. Like most therapists, a social therapist typically aims to help their patients find relief from mental health problems, achieve personal growth, or solve practical problems. If the therapist practices social therapy, their approach will typically be non-diagnostic and focused on growth rather than problem-solving.
Visit the East Side Institute for Group and Short-Term Psychotherapy website for more information about social therapeutic approaches. Founded by social therapy creator Fred Neman in 1985, the Institute is dedicated to studying social therapeutics and performance activism. Its current director, Lois Holzman, is a psychologist and leader in the field.
Is there therapy for socializing?
Socialization therapy, often used interchangeably with social skills training, is an effective method for helping those who are challenged by social anxiety or other social difficulties. Although socialization therapy and social skills training are not precisely the same, they contain many of the same elements and seek to help individuals engage socially with others without distress. Approaches typically involve psychoeducation and opportunities to practice social skills in a low-stress environment. Participants then typically slowly engage in real-life social interaction, gradually increasing their social skill proficiency and comfort with social situations.
What is social learning therapy?
Social learning therapy typically refers to psychotherapeutic approaches that utilize social learning theory to be effective. Social learning theory was proposed by psychologist Albert Bandura in 1977. Bandura sought to link concepts of behaviorism and cognitive psychology to explain how social influences affect learned behavior. Today, social learning theory typically describes three mechanisms through which a person learns socially:
- Modeling. People are more likely to engage in similar behaviors to those around them. The more frequently a certain behavior is modeled in their presence, the more likely they will imitate it.
- Beliefs. A person’s beliefs must align with the behavior they are learning, or they must be able to rationalize the conflict between their behavior and their beliefs. For example, someone who believes that crime is generally wrong might engage in criminal activity if they can personally justify their actions, such as committing a theft to ensure their survival.
- Differential reinforcement. The learned behavior must be frequently reinforced and infrequently punished. Reinforcement can come from others through praise or material gestures or from the behavior itself, such as successfully committing a crime that nets a person a substantial sum of money.
Social learning therapy leverages those mechanisms to help children, teens, and adults learn beneficial behaviors or extinguish undesired ones. For example, a therapist could use social learning therapy to help a couple improve their relationship by modeling good communication skills, teaching the couple about the importance of communication, and praising the couple when they demonstrate good communication.
What is social support therapy?
Social support therapy typically refers to psychotherapeutic approaches that leverage the psychological benefits of socialization and social support. Humans are social animals, and evidence suggests that positive social interactions substantially boost well-being and help protect against some mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety. A therapist might encourage a person to seek out positive social interactions, or they might engage in short-term group therapy to help their patient access their support network with others present.
What is social-emotional therapy?
Social-emotional therapy typically refers to psychoeducational approaches that help a person develop emotional intelligence. It is commonly used within schools to help children develop the self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and social skills they need to engage with their peers healthily. It can also help boost their development and learning by introducing skills related to self-advocacy and self-efficacy. Social-emotional therapy can also be used with adults. It is often helpful for neurodivergent individuals who may not intuitively understand the nuance and complexity of social interaction.
What type of therapy is best for social anxiety?
The current best practice standards for the treatment of social anxiety suggest that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most effective approach. CBT for social anxiety typically involves educating the patient about social anxiety, developing coping and social skills, and gradually exposing them to uncomfortable social situations. As their skills improve, patients typically become more comfortable socializing and experience a substantial reduction in anxiety when considering the prospect of future social interactions. However, while CBT is typically preferred, there is room for improvement. Novel approaches, such as social therapeutics-based methods studied at the East Side Institute for Group and Short-Term Therapy, might substantially strengthen social anxiety treatments in the future.
What is social counseling?
Social counseling is a form of counseling provided by mental health professionals to address the immediate needs of someone facing social or personal challenges, such as bullying or social exclusion. It often involves activities like individual and small-group counseling and crisis response interventions.
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