Four Warning Signs Of An Unhealthy Or Negative Relationship
When it comes to relationships, it can be beneficial to be aware of the warning signs that may indicate a negative dynamic. A positive relationship is often defined as one where each party feels valued, respected, and supported. These individuals might have a positive connection with their partners, learn about each other at a healthy pace, and respect each other’s boundaries.
On the other hand, negative relationships are often marked by behaviors that can damage the connection between the two people involved.
It’s common for relationships to change over time. Among those that include a negative dynamic, some may have begun with an unhealthy pattern, while others can experience a slow onset. Regardless of when these elements may have taken root in a relationship, they can spell trouble for the health and satisfaction of the partners in it.
Let’s take a look at some of the common themes of unhealthy or negative relationships, related topics you might want to learn more about, and steps you can take to strengthen yours.
1. Resentment in a negative relationship: Lack of communication
People in positive and negative relationships will generally experience disagreements from time to time. While this experience is normal, the way they communicate about and resolve conflicts can have a significant impact on their dynamic. What may start as small annoyances—for example, leaving dirty dishes in the sink or not expressing appreciation—can turn into larger problems if partners don’t have an open, honest communication dynamic that allows them to address issues as they arise. If either is afraid to be truthful with the other, what started as an annoyance may turn into resentment and even contempt. As described by The Gottman Institute, contempt that can result from simmering, uncommunicated frustration is one of the “four horsemen” that can signal the impending end of a relationship.
If either partner is hesitant to discuss openly and honestly, it may be a sign that your dynamic needs attention. There are many reasons why someone may not be willing to discuss their perceptions and feelings within a relationship; working with a therapist can help you uncover them and potentially work toward a resolution.
2. Partners seeking control can lead to tension and animosity
When one partner is seeking to have control over another, it may be a warning sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Some forms of control are obvious, such as taking and managing a partner’s money or dictating how they spend their time. However, there are also more subtle forms of control that a person may employ to gain or exercise power in the relationship, such as withholding affection as a form of manipulation, gaslighting, or using guilt to get what they want.
A need for control can easily manifest as an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship. It may also indicate that the person seeking control could benefit from professional help to address this tendency. Controlling behavior could be associated with a desire for stability, impact on others, or inclusion by others. People who express controlling personalities may be able to work with a therapist to find healthier ways to meet their needs. The happiest couples in a 2021 study were found to be those in which both partners reported a high sense of personal power, which suggests the potential importance of an equal power balance in a romantic relationship.
3. Unhealthy types of jealousy may lead to hostility
People in relationships may experience jealousy from time to time. However, the type of jealousy and how it’s handled is what can affect a relationship either positively or negatively. There are three main types of jealousy that can appear in romantic relationships, and they can have varying impacts on the health of the dynamic. When handled poorly, jealousy can lead to growing hostility between partners, further damaging the relationship.
Emotional jealousy: Navigating tension and strengthening relationships
One form of jealousy is known as emotional or reactive jealousy. This refers to the feelings you may experience when you notice someone else flirting with your partner, for instance. One study suggested that this type of jealousy was actually associated with stronger feelings of love towards a partner. Emotional or reactive jealousy may alert partners to external threats to the relationship, which could lead them to recognize how much they value each other. However, if not addressed, this type of jealousy can impact a partner’s self-esteem, lead to controlling behaviors, or have other harmful effects.
Cognitive jealousy: A path to resentment and animosity in relationships
Another form of jealousy is cognitive jealousy, which typically stems from internal, individual factors like personal fears instead of external events. It often manifests as worry or suspicion. You may be experiencing high levels of cognitive jealousy if you constantly worry that your partner is being unfaithful without having any concrete reasons to believe this is true, for instance. Researchers have noted that this type of jealousy in a relationship may lead to increased feelings of loneliness as well as decreased feelings of love and relationship satisfaction.
Behavioral jealousy: The correlation between actions and conflict in relationships
The third type of jealousy is behavioral jealousy, which refers to covert actions such as reading a partner’s texts or following them after work without their knowledge. The same study showed that behavioral jealousy was associated with experiencing negative emotions in a relationship.
While some aspects of jealousy are linked to more negative feelings and effects than others, how you and your partner handle this emotion overall can play a large role in how it may impact your relationship. Partners who are able to discuss jealous feelings openly and without judgment may have a better chance of working through them without letting them damage their dynamic. A couples counselor may also be able to help partners work through these feelings, including addressing any underlying feelings or fears that may be contributing to them.
4. Codependency can lead to disagreement and estrangement
Codependent relationships involve unhealthy attachment patterns. They often manifest as two people depending on each other to meet every emotional and psychological need. In this type of dynamic, one partner may ignore or put aside their own needs again and again to fulfill the other partner’s needs. This dynamic is especially common when one person is experiencing substance use problems. Over time, this imbalance can lead to emotional distance and estrangement.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Addressing conflict and restoring balance in a negative relationship
One study found that individuals who were experiencing high levels of codependency in their relationship were more likely to use negative coping mechanisms and have lower levels of life satisfaction. In dynamics like this, the partner or partners may need to learn to set healthy boundaries and implement other ways to rebalance the relationship, if it can continue at all. A therapist may be a powerful resource in a situation like this, because they can offer a neutral perspective and help both parties develop important skills like communication and conflict-resolution.
You don't have to navigate your negative relationship problems alone
If you recognize any of the dynamics above in your own relationship, it could mean that you may want to make some changes. If you’re not sure where to start, seeking the guidance of a therapist may be a good next step. They can help you recognize unhealthy patterns in your connection and examine where they may be coming from. They may also be able to work with you to address these issues and develop skills that can help you and your partner create a stronger, healthier connection. While healing from unhealthy patterns may take effort and time from everyone affected, it is possible.
Overcoming conflict and navigating negative relationships
Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp has assisted many people in improving the health of their relationship or navigating leaving a negative relationship. No matter how your connection with your partner may evolve, virtual therapy can offer a safe space for you to work through the related challenges you may be facing.
Research shows that online therapy may be an effective way to strengthen relationships. A 2020 study looked at couples’ attitudes while in therapy conducted via videoconference. Results showed that the video screen helped the couples feel less judged, which allowed them to be more vulnerable during sessions. Additionally, many couples reported feeling safer taking these calls through a video platform instead of engaging in face-to-face therapy.
Takeaway
What does a negative relationship look like?
Negative or unhealthy relationships may look like:
An inverse relationship: In this dynamic, there’s an inverse correlation between the effort of one partner and the other. That means that one partner may increase their effort and commitment while the other becomes less committed or more distant. This inverse relationship between two variables drives a pursuer-distancer pattern.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse: The four horsemen of toxic relationships were first identified by Dr. John Gottman. These elements can reliably predict relationship disillusion. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Codependency: In this dynamic, one partner will prioritize the other at the cost of their own mental health and well-being. These relationships can be extremely draining and lead to poor boundaries, resentment, and a lost sense of self.
Pay attention to unhealthy relationship signs such as a negative correlation between your effort and your partner’s, a lack of trust or respect, manipulation, name-calling, power imbalance, or growing resentment. If you notice these signs, you may find couples therapy, individual therapy, or reading a healthy communication article helpful.
What can negative relationships lead to?
Negative, or unhealthy, relationships can lead to many challenges, such as:
Low self-esteem
Isolating behavior
Loneliness
Chronic stress
Substance use
Depression or anxiety
Feelings of worthlessness
Reduced sense of self
Physical signs, such as gastrointestinal distress, migraines, or muscle tension
Impacts on future relationships
Lack of healthy boundaries
Resentment
Anger
Jealousy
Difficulty trusting others
Challenges at work or school
If you’re in a negative relationship, recognizing unhealthy dynamics, working on open communication, setting healthy boundaries, accepting responsibility, and working with a therapist can help.
What are the red flags in a relationship?
Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that may indicate unhealthy or toxic behavior. Examples include:
Controlling behavior
Excessive jealousy
Isolating from friends or family
Love bombing
Repeated breaches of trust
Manipulation
Name-calling
Belittling you
Obsession
Gaslighting
While some of these signs—such as controlling behavior or lack of respect—are universal, others are more subjective. For example, it may be a red flag for you if your partner has different religious beliefs, while others may not consider religious beliefs important in their relationships.
How do you know it's time to end a relationship?
Here are a few signs that it may be time to end a relationship:
Lack of emotional intimacy
You don’t miss them or think about them when you’re not together
Envisioning a future together doesn’t excite you
The passion disappeared
You fantasize about other partners
The main reason you’re staying with them is the fear of being alone
You don’t want to hear about their life
Life plans and goals have diverged
They make you a more negative person
You don’t trust them
Your relationship leaves you feeling emotionally drained
They look down on you
To help you decide whether you’re ready to walk away, consider discussing your concerns with a trusted friend or family member.
How does a negative partner affect you?
A relationship with a negative person can impact your mood and mental health. Research shows that negative emotions, such as pessimism, sadness, fear, and shame, can be contagious. That means being with someone who’s very negative may make you more negative, too.
How do you end a negative relationship?
When you’re ready to leave an unhealthy relationship:
Clearly and directly communicate your decision to leave in person, if it’s safe to do so
Establish boundaries to limit your contact with them
Make time for friends, family, and loved ones
Acknowledge and accept your feelings, which may be complex or confusing after a breakup
Prioritize self-care
Avoiding assigning blame to yourself or your partner
Consider journaling or working with a therapist to process the loss of your relationship
Once you’ve broken up with them, give yourself time to heal before making major life decisions. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, most professionals recommend minimizing any contact with them and focusing instead on other things that are important to you.
How do you handle a negative boyfriend?
Some tips for handling a negative partner include communicating how their actions affect you, setting firm boundaries, seeking support from loved ones, and considering whether your relationship is worth staying in.
How to fix a toxic relationship?
There are some things you can do to improve an unhealthy relationship, including:
Establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries
Communicating clearly and honestly
Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist
Learning effective communication and conflict-resolution skills
Prioritizing self-care
The responsibility of improving a relationship is shared between both partners. If you are willing to work on your relationship, but your partner is not, it may be time to re-evaluate.
When should you accept that your relationship is over?
Here are some signs that your relationship may have reached the end of its course:
Your relationship leaves you feeling drained rather than energized
You fantasize about dating other people
You prefer spending time with other people
You don’t want to hear about their life
It seems like you’re the only one putting effort into the relationship
The passion has disappeared
There’s no longer a close emotional bond
You don’t turn to your partner for support when you’re experiencing challenges
Your life plans have diverged
There’s repeated conflict or animosity toward each other
You don’t trust or respect them
You don’t see a future together
These signs often indicate that the relationship either needs to end, or you need help from a couple’s therapist or counselor.
How do I know if I'm the problem in a relationship?
Here are some signs that you’re contributing to problems in the relationship:
The problems you’re experiencing seem to follow you from one relationship to another
You have low self-esteem
Accepting responsibility is difficult for you
You’ll do anything to avoid conflict
You do not have healthy boundaries
You do not stick with the commitments you made to them
You find it difficult to discuss challenges without it becoming an argument
Both people in the relationship are often responsible for unhealthy dynamics that develop. Listening to podcasts, reading books, or working with a couple’s therapist can teach you about unhealthy relationship dynamics and how to heal.
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