How To Stop Thinking About An Ex And Improve Your Mental Health After A Break-Up

Medically reviewed by April Justice, LICSW
Updated October 14, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Do you feel stuck in a pattern of thinking about your ex? Does it feel like you can’t stop, no matter how hard you try? Or like trying to stop thinking about an ex makes you think about them more? If so, you’re not alone. Many people experience this after a breakup, regardless of who ended the relationship.

Research suggests that many people have an average of two relationships before finding a relationship that they consider permanent.

Breakups are seldom comfortable or easy to move past. In many cases, it takes some time to heal. If thoughts and past memories of your ex are keeping you from moving on and feeling better, there are a few things you can try to help break that cycle. Below, we’ll discuss breakups and look at four tips to stop thinking about your ex after a breakup.

Getty/AnnaStills

Why can't I stop thinking about my ex?

Forming a deep emotional bond with someone during a romantic relationship and having that bond severed by a breakup can lead to a range of emotional responses. It’s common to have a mix of feelings toward your ex and to sometimes find your ex on your mind.

Scientific explanations and research

A study from 2022 in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found that people who had experienced a breakup—whether it was mutual or not and whether or not they initiated it—consistently felt a strong sense of attachment anxiety about their previous partner and often experienced rumination, yearning, and distress about the breakup even many months after it happened. This, the researchers concluded, is relatively common and expected because of the big part attachment plays in our psychology. Human beings are social creatures, so the loss of a social connection can affect us deeply, often causing us to feel sad and yearn for our past romantic partner.

While thinking about your ex frequently is common, it may feel as though your thoughts are stuck on this person, much in the same way you may obsess over issues in current relationships. Obsessing over these issues may make it difficult to heal and move on in your own life. If this is the case, then finding ways to stop thinking about your ex might help you feel better over time.

Tips for how to stop thinking about an ex after a recent break-up

If you find yourself unable to stop thinking about your ex-partner, you may benefit from trying these four tips.

Break contact cleanly and completely

In the few weeks following a breakup, when you might be inclined to reminisce about only the good times of the past relationship, breaking contact can be beneficial. This may mean blocking your ex’s phone number and social media profiles, distancing yourself from them physically, or asking mutual friends to avoid discussing them for the time being.

Avoid checking your ex's social media

Doing this may help you avoid constant reminders of the relationship, which can trigger rumination or regretful thoughts that can be counterproductive to the healing process. If you aren’t prompted to think about this person, you may start to think of them less often naturally. You may also find that, after some time, you’re able to rekindle platonic contact with that person in a healthy way, or you may find that permanently removing that person from your present life is the right move. Either way, creating that distance for yourself may help you grow and learn who you are independently, which may help pave the way for your next relationship.

Getty/AnnaStills

Distract yourself to avoid thinking about your ex

Some popular advice for avoiding thinking about your ex is to redirect your attention to another activity. 

Some activities you may try include:

  • Taking up a new hobby, such as scrapbooking, painting, writing, or photography
  • Playing games, either alone or with a friend
  • Spending time with your family or pets
  • Eating at your favorite restaurant
  • Going for walks or exercising
  • Joining hobby or interest groups and making new friends
  • Doing physical activity, such as lifting weights, running, or swimming
  • Seeing a movie or getting a coffee with a best friend

While this strategy might not help you quit thinking about your ex completely and immediately, it may lessen the frequency or intensity of your desire to think about your ex. You may be able to create new, healthy habits through the process, offering your mind something more productive to occupy it.

Discover who you are while single

Research suggests that your self-esteem can take a significant hit in the wake of a breakup and that this effect may be worsened by rumination on your ex-partner. You may question fundamental ideas like who you are and what your interests are outside of the relationship. In an effort to recover from this distress, it can be a good idea to try to rediscover who you are while you are single. As a result, you can make new memories and move forward. 

Reflect and reset away from social media

Consider engaging in reflective practices like journaling and mindfulness techniques. This may help you recognize your internal voice and process your thoughts by giving you a visual reference for them. You might also benefit from taking time for physical self-care. This can look different for everyone and may include anything that makes you feel relaxed. For some, this may even feel like a “reset” period.

After this reset period, consider exploring an interest that you have that you may not have been able to focus on during your relationship. You might take a class in a subject you love, go on a trip you’ve been thinking about, or join clubs for hobbies you enjoy. Not only does this help you in moving forward, but it may also allow you to develop your personal interests and focus on your own needs. It may also be an effective way to socialize with new people with similar interests, which may lead to new friendships and other potential relationships.

Getty/Xavier Lorenzo

Seek professional counseling for how to stop thinking about an ex

If you still feel that you’re not able to move forward and can’t stop thinking about your ex, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed therapist or clinical psychologist. A therapist may be able to help you reflect on the past relationship, discover why you’re still thinking about your ex, and help you find ways to heal from the grief of the breakup. They may also help you manage unresolved issues and unwanted thoughts that are causing you to feel distressed, even after the relationship ended.

Online therapy to improve your mental health

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing a breakup in a therapist’s office, you might consider trying online therapy, which research has shown to be effective for a variety of mental health challenges. One study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that online cognitive behavioral therapy was effective for symptoms of anxiety and depression.

With online therapy, you can discuss your concerns with a therapist by videoconferencing, audio chat, or live chat if you feel more comfortable. You can also chat with them outside of appointments in a designated chatroom. This may prove to be useful if you find yourself feeling nostalgic and thinking about your ex in between sessions. Chatting with a therapist may allow you to express your feelings and help you manage any underlying problems to prepare you for a new relationship.

Takeaway

Breakups can be difficult to cope with for many reasons, and being caught in a painful thought pattern tends to be one of the most prevalent. If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, there are strategies you can use to help yourself heal and grow at your own pace. If you think you need some help, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed therapist in your community or online. With BetterHelp, you can choose a therapist who has experience helping people navigate the challenges of a breakup. Take the first step toward healing and reach out to BetterHelp today.
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