Eight Signs He Is Sabotaging The Relationship

In general, a relationship is a partnership. With that in mind, it can be important to remember that for a relationship to work, both partners usually have to put in the effort to make it successful. Often, both partners must want it to work. When people self-sabotage, they may engage in destructive behaviors, either consciously or subconsciously, that can lead to the end of their relationship. These destructive behaviors can include avoidance, criticism, gaslighting, and infidelity, among others. It can be helpful to have an honest conversation with your partner, offer support to them, encourage them to seek professional help, and consider ending the relationship if they aren’t interested in changing their behavior or if your boundaries have been crossed. Online or in-person individual and couples therapy may be helpful if you or your partner seem to be sabotaging your relationship.

Note: Although we’ve used the pronouns “he” and “him” throughout this article, the information given here can apply to individuals of any gender.

What does it mean to sabotage a relationship?

What causes someone to self-sabotage a relationship?

There could be many reasons why someone might sabotage their own relationship. It can be important to remember that these actions often have nothing to do with the person with whom they are in a relationship. Instead, being a relationship saboteur can often be the result of any of the following factors:

Fear

Your partner’s sabotaging behaviors could be due to fear. He might be afraid of commitment or intimacy, potentially leading him to engage in behaviors that make it more difficult for your relationship to reach the next stage. 

Similarly, your partner might be afraid of rejection, heartbreak, or abandonment. He might believe that by not getting too close to you, it won’t hurt as much if the relationship ends. 

Finally, your partner might fear relationship failure, possibly leading them to engage in behaviors that will justify a negative relationship outcome.

Low self-esteem

Your partner might engage in self-sabotaging relationship behaviors if he has poor self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem may believe they aren’t good enough for their partner or that they don’t deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship. As discussed, someone might purposefully sabotage their relationship to justify the failure they believe is inevitable.

Trust difficulties

If your partner has difficulty trusting others, it can lead to relationship sabotage. This could be due to past trauma, either in childhood or adulthood, that led him to believe the ones he loves will hurt him. Difficulty trusting others could cause him to be distant in romantic relationships, possibly causing further issues as a result. Mistrust can also develop as passive aggression, further complicating the dynamic.

Insecure attachment style

Attachment theory generally describes how our relationships with our caregivers in childhood can influence our relationships in adulthood. If your partner has an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), he might have difficulty forming healthy and strong relationships with others. This could lead to unhealthy or inexperienced relationship practices, including self-sabotaging behaviors.

Lack of experience

If your partner is relatively young or doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience, he might not have developed the relationship skills necessary for a healthy partnership. This can cause him to engage in self-sabotaging relationship behaviors simply because he doesn’t have many past experiences or know of any healthier ways to be in a relationship with someone.

Mental health conditions

Your partner’s self-sabotaging relationship behaviors could also be due to an underlying mental health condition, such as anxiety, depression, or a personality disorder. Certain conditions can change the way we view ourselves and engage with the world around us, often leading to negative emotions and affecting our ability to form healthy relationships.

Eight signs he is sabotaging the relationship

There are many warning signs that could indicate your partner is sabotaging your relationship, including the following.

1. Avoidance

Your partner avoiding you or actively pushing you away could be a sign he is sabotaging the relationship. Your partner might not communicate with you or communicate with you less frequently than he did earlier in your relationship. He might be unwilling to open up about his emotions or how he feels about your relationship. Additionally, he might be reluctant to work out any disagreements.

2. Lack of trust

If your partner suddenly doesn’t trust you, seemingly without cause, it could be a warning sign that they are sabotaging your relationship. They might make wrong assumptions and become controlling over who you talk to or hang out with, where you go in your free time, or what you do when they’re not around. They could also accuse you of being unfaithful.

3. Excessive criticism

Frequent criticism, often with malicious intent, can be a sign your partner is trying to sabotage your relationship. He might purposefully act harshly and say things to hurt your feelings or upset you unnecessarily, harming both your self-esteem and your relationship.

4. Fighting

If he is constantly picking fights with you, your partner might be sabotaging your relationship. They might have unrealistic expectations that you should always agree with them without question, leading to constant conflicts and misunderstandings in the relationship. Your partner might also blow small disagreements out of proportion or work to create conflict when there is none. Consistent fighting, being unwilling to work things out, or not allowing you to explain your side of things could all be sabotage tactics.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is typically defined as “a type of psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel ‘crazy,’ creating a ‘surreal’ interpersonal environment.” As part of self-sabotaging behavior, your partner might work to discredit your experiences or beliefs. He might shift the blame for something he did or caused onto you, potentially leading to distrust and guilt.

6. Defensiveness

If your partner is overly defensive, it could be a sign of relationship sabotage. He might attempt to argue with you or cut off communication entirely when you ask an honest question. This defensiveness could also include gaslighting, as discussed previously.

7. Infidelity

Your partner being unfaithful to you could be a clear example of relationship self-sabotage. Being unfaithful could include anything that is considered crossing an established boundary in your relationship. In a monogamous relationship, this could involve him kissing another person, having a sexual encounter, or engaging in an emotional affair.

8. One foot out the door

If your partner is sabotaging the relationship, he might be unwilling to take steps to move your relationship forward. This can include becoming “official” or exclusive, meeting each other’s parents, moving in together, or getting married. He might believe that additional commitment could make it more difficult to end the relationship down the road.

Your next steps for a healthy relationship

Being on the receiving end of a relationship where one partner is engaging in sabotaging behavior can be harmful, potentially leading to an unhealthy or toxic relationship, mental health conditions, a stagnant relationship, or a breakup. Therefore, it’s important to stop self-sabotage through open and difficult conversations. 

If your partner is showing signs of relationship sabotage, it can be helpful to first remember that it is likely not your fault. Instead of blaming yourself for your partner’s behaviors, you might consider the following options and trust yourself to make informed decisions on the future of your relationship.

Have an honest conversation

In many cases, self-sabotaging behaviors can be unconscious. If you notice your partner engaging in these behaviors, it can be helpful to have a calm and honest conversation about them using “I” statements without accusations or threats to end the relationship.

Encourage healthy relationship behaviors

When your partner exhibits healthy relationship behaviors, such as communicating openly or being willing to work out disagreements, you might show them that you’re appreciative of their efforts.

Offer support

Changing habits and breaking cycles can be difficult, so if your partner is actively working to change their behavior, it can be helpful to offer them love and support along the way.

Encourage therapy

Individual therapy and couples therapy can be beneficial resources for both you and your partner as you work to identify and adjust unhealthy patterns and behaviors in your relationship.

End the relationship

If your partner is unwilling to change their behavior or if you are unhappy, in some cases, it might be best to end the relationship.

Therapists may use various tools like the Relationship Sabotage Scale (RSS) to understand patterns in relationships, shedding light on destructive behaviors and the reasons behind them. By exploring the scale's construct validity and its application in understanding self-sabotaging relationships, individuals can realize how their actions might be negatively affecting their romantic lives. Through this awareness, one can make sense of why relationship mishaps happen and work toward healthier relationship behaviors.

Benefits of online therapy for a healthy and happy relationship

Building a relationship with someone, especially when there are unhealthy behaviors involved, can be time-consuming. Consequently, it can be difficult to find a suitable time to regularly meet with a therapist in person, especially a therapist specializing in your specific needs. In those situations, online therapy with a licensed professional can be a suitable alternative to face-to-face sessions.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research has demonstrated that online relationship therapy can be equally as effective as in-person interventions. One study found that, when compared to face-to-face delivery, online couples therapy typically resulted in equal levels of increased relationship satisfaction, increased happiness, and decreased mental health symptoms, including depression, anxiety, and stress. Additionally, participants generally reported equal levels of perceived therapeutic alliance (i.e., how aligned a patient feels with their therapist).