Research suggests that being in a long-lasting relationship has the potential to bring about a variety of benefits — including a longer life span and a lower likelihood of depression.
However, the definition of relationship success can vary widely from person to person and couple to couple. While longevity is often viewed as the key measurement of success for romantic relationships, there are other factors to consider. If you’re looking to build a healthy relationship and find success in whatever way is meaningful to you, there are a handful of essential relationship “rules” or tips suggested by recent research that may help.
How to define a successful relationship
It’s a well-known statistic that roughly half of marriages end in divorce, and society generally considers these to be “failed” or unsuccessful marriages. However, not everyone who has been divorced considers this to be the case. A person or couple’s definition of a successful relationship can vary widely. Some do believe that it's only successful if it lasts for a lifetime. However, others may feel they had a fulfilling relationship if it was characterized by love and respect for its duration, if both parties learned and grew from it, or if it ended amicably. Others may consider their relationships a fruitful alliance if children resulted from it, or any other measure that’s meaningful to a given couple — regardless of how long it may last.
Because of this variation in the definition of what makes a successful relationship, researchers typically focus on a more straightforward metric when studying partnerships: relationship satisfaction. It’s a subjective measure of how fulfilled each partner feels in the relationship both emotionally and practically. It can also serve as a barometer for understanding the dynamics that underpin the long-term relationships that are successful in whatever way matters most to the participants.&nbps;
9 basic relationship rules for successful, lasting relationships
Relationship satisfaction is a subjective measure, since there’s currently no clear-cut way to determine its levels aside from asking. That said, it’s a goal that seems to generally correlate with happy, fulfilling partnerships that have the potential to benefit all parties the most. As one paper puts it: “Relationship satisfaction is the gold standard for evaluating interventions designed to alleviate relationship distress” and promote more positive outcomes. So how can you increase satisfaction in your long-term romantic relationship? The following nine “relationship rules” or suggestions from recent research can provide some insights to consider.
1. Be responsive to each other's needs.
Responsiveness refers to how attentive partners are to each other’s needs, moods, goals, and values, and it’s widely thought to be one of the core tenets of “successful” or satisfying long-term relationships. It may be helpful to think of responsiveness as a function of mindfulness — that is, staying attuned to your partner’s current state, without judgment, and responding appropriately.
Well-known psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman suggests that “turning toward” — a form of responsiveness that involves engaging warmly with your partner’s bids for connection — is one of the defining features of successful marriages in particular. Examples could include taking your partner’s hand when their fingers brush yours while walking, listening to your partner when they seem like they need to vent, and being excited for and with them when they’re excited about something. Over time, these small moments can have a significant impact on the overall health of the relationship.
As you're exploring these rules, keep in mind that relationship rules may look different for everyone.
2. Try to integrate elements of warmth and positivity in your relationship.
Research indicates that “positivity resonance” — which is characterized by “similar positive affect” and “mutual care and concern” — can be another factor that contributes to relationship satisfaction. In other words, looking for opportunities to engage with your partner in a warm and positive way rather than overly focusing on the negatives could help keep up the health of your partnership.
In addition, researchers believe that a concept called positive illusion may also help enhance romantic relationship health. This term is defined as a positive light or bias with which “individuals in love” may perceive their partner and relationship. According to one 2019 study on the topic, the existence of positive illusion may result in a lower likelihood of the relationship ending, higher relationship satisfaction, and lower levels of conflict and doubt.
3. Show your appreciation in your relationship.
In addition to noticing what you love about your partner, it’s usually important to tell them. One meta-analysis of 43 couples found that feeling and expressing appreciation was one of the key factors in maintaining a happy relationship — second only to perceived partner commitment.
There are many different ways to show and tell your partner that you appreciate them. According to the concept of love languages, people may have different ways in which they prefer to show and be shown love, so learning your partner’s language can be helpful in making your partner happy. In fact, a 2022 study suggests that individuals who express their affection in the way their partners most prefer to receive it may experience greater relationship satisfaction. These don’t have to be grand gestures, either; you can show your appreciation through anything from thanking them for taking out the trash to writing a heartfelt love letter. However you choose to tell your partner that you love and value them, it’s likely best to do so frequently and sincerely.
4. Prioritize physical intimacy.
Most romantic relationships are characterized by some form of affectionate, connective physical touch, which research suggests may be associated with relationship well-being and quality. This means that regularly holding hands with your partner, cuddling, hugging, or engaging in other forms of touch that you both enjoy can show that you care about each other and may positively influence your connection.
Note that not all romantic relationships are characterized by sexual intimacy. For those that are, however, research indicates that sexual satisfaction may be a main predictor of relationship satisfaction. Prioritizing this type of connection, attending to your partner’s pleasure, and having open communication about your sexual needs and desires are all ways that may help couples who engage in sexual intimacy improve or maintain closeness and satisfaction.
5. Address problems directly.
The main reason why relationships fall apart is due to poor communication. There has been much research on the importance of communication in relationships of all kinds. Strong communication can allow the individuals involved to express needs, express affection, deepen emotional intimacy, set boundaries, resolve conflict, and much more. However, the way in which partners speak with each other matters. As one study on the topic reports, direct communication is usually best. This means addressing conflicts that may arise cooperatively, calmly, and honestly without passive aggression, withdrawal, or accusations, as these can sow resentment and prolong issues unnecessarily.
6. Seek to cooperate with each other.
Across multiple studies, cooperation has been identified as a foundational element of most relationships. For example, consider one proposed model of conflict resolution — the Relationship Problem Solving Model — which takes into account various interpersonal and intrapersonal factors that have been found to influence conflict resolution and marital success. Per this model, researchers note that supportive, cooperative behaviors between couples may influence relationship beliefs, mood, self-efficacy, knowledge of a problem, and each partner’s capacity for self-regulation. In practice, cooperation could look like problem-solving as a team in a supportive, collaborative way rather than throwing out accusations, engaging with hostility, or taking sides.
7. Seek to understand each other.
Another piece of research-backed wisdom from John Gottman is to aim to deeply understand who your partner is — from their quirks and pet peeves to their deepest beliefs and aspirations — in order to increase relationship satisfaction. He refers to this knowledge as a “love map,” or a mental model you form about your partner’s inner world.
Knowing your partner so deeply is a form of emotional intimacy, and other research suggests that a lack of it may result in the end of a relationship. One of your relationship ground rules then, may be to prioritize emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy occurs when couples spend time engaging in meaningful conversation, such as by committing to phone-free evenings or by scheduling weekly date nights. You can also foster a culture of curiosity within your partnership by asking questions about your partner’s life, experiences, and beliefs to get to know them more profoundly.
8. Make it a rule and promise to be trustworthy.
Trust is another commonly cited aspect of what a successful relationship requires. From business partnerships to marriages, researchers have found that trust seems to be a cornerstone of long-lasting, healthy relationships. In the context of romantic relationships in particular, research suggests that a lack of trust can exacerbate problems like “emotional instability, conflict, or intention to break up.” You can create a safe space in your relationship by demonstrating reliability, integrity, and consistency, as well as respecting your partner’s personal boundaries.
When you establish boundaries, you communicate to your partner what is and is not OK in order for you to maintain your well-being (both your mental health and your physical health). For example, healthy boundaries may include removing yourself from a situation where you feel disrespected or asking for space when you need some “me time.” Unhealthy boundaries don’t respect the values or opinions of others. When you and your partner create healthy boundaries, you maintain your individuality and your personal health. When we trust our partners, we trust that they have our best interests at heart.
9. Divide responsibilities in the relationship.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” This axiom was famously coined by psychologist and advice columnist Dr. Joyce Brothers, and one survey by Pew Research suggests that a majority of Americans agree: Dividing household chores seems to be an important facet of a healthy marriage.
It’s also worth noting other research that suggests that, in long-term, heterosexual relationships that involve sexual intimacy, women are less likely to desire sex with their partner when there’s a perceived imbalance of household labor — which could negatively impact relationship satisfaction and harmony. Everyone has their own way of keeping up with household chores. When couples set expectations that clearly outline how they want to tackle household chores as a couple, they may be more likely to experience relationship satisfaction.
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Build relationship standards and rules in couples therapy
If you and your partner set relationship rules, you may be more likely to build a “successful” partnership — whatever that means to you. However, it can take considerable effort to replace old patterns with healthy relationship habits and healthy relationship rules that work for both of you. If you’re looking to implement some new norms or new rules as a couple, it may be worth considering couples therapy.
Benefits of establishing relationship rules
A couples counselor can help you learn practical communication and problem-solving skills, and they can also assist you in identifying and addressing any underlying issues that may be impacting your relationship satisfaction. Research suggests that couples therapy approaches like cognitive behavioral couples therapy and emotionally focused therapy in particular can have a measurable positive impact on relationship satisfaction.
Also note additional research suggesting that couples therapy can be effectively delivered both in person and online. Online couples therapy through a platform like ReGain may be preferable for partners with busy schedules that make it hard to attend in-person appointments together, for instance. With ReGain, you can get matched with a licensed couples therapist according to your answers to a questionnaire, and you and your partner can meet with them virtually from anywhere you have an internet connection.
Takeaway
Psychologists have long been interested in what makes relationships work, and there’s a substantial body of research suggesting that elements like responsiveness, positivity, appreciation, physical and emotional intimacy, and trust are hallmarks of relationship satisfaction and success. To learn ways to implement these principles in your partnership, you might consider connecting with a couples therapist.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
What are relationship rules?
At what stage do most couples break up in a relationship?
Who in the relationship is more likely to initiate a breakup?
Can someone who has fallen out of love fall back in love?
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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