Addicted to the "dating chase"? How this pattern can get in the way of lasting love

Does it ever seem like the only part of dating you like is the beginning? During those early stages, when you’re trying to win someone’s heart and figure out how they feel, the pursuit can consume your attention and get your pulse racing. Yet, once you get past the uncertainty and into a relationship, it loses its luster. Why does this keep happening, and is there any way to keep the romance going once the dating chase is over? 

There may be compelling psychological and neurobiological reasons why chasing romance can capture your attention so strongly. For some people, this may be reinforced by factors like difficulty with self-esteem or anxiety about commitment. To get past “the chase” and learn to be happy in a stable relationship, you may need to figure out other ways to meet the emotional needs that are driving your repeated pursuit of new romance. Working with a licensed therapist in your local area or through an online therapy platform may be helpful as you address the root of this challenge.

Why the dating chase can be so hard to quit

As long as someone is just out of your reach, or you’re not sure where things are going, securing their affection might seem like the most important thing in the world. Once it’s clear that the other person wants to be with you, you may find yourself itching to break up.

Does this pattern sound familiar? Though it can seem bizarre and counterintuitive, it tends to be a common phenomenon. Here are a few potential causes.

New love is often addictive

Neurological research has revealed that the early phases of romance can affect the brain much like an addictive substance. The search for love can be strongly tied to the human reproductive drive. This generally makes it a powerful stimulus for the dopamine-based brain circuits that influence pleasure-seeking, habit formation, and goal-directed behavior. 

When you begin to fall for someone new, it can be common to become so focused on them that you are distracted from everything else. You might even feel physical cravings for their affection, not unlike the way a smoker might yearn for a cigarette. This can be accompanied by feelings of bliss and excitement that many people know as new relationship energy or NRE.

The compulsive side of romantic feelings tends to fade away over time. This can signal a transition into a more stable, long-term relationship. However, some people may become attached to the “high” of the early stages. 

Attempting to hold onto that emotional intensity can lead someone to seek out new partners again and again. Some psychologists consider this pattern an “addiction” to romance itself.

Uncertainty can be exciting

The beginning stages of a romantic relationship are often full of doubts, hints, and ambiguous signals. Studies suggest that this may increase feelings of romantic interest, likely because human beings tend to be highly motivated to answer questions and resolve ambiguity. 

Committing to a relationship, on the other hand, can serve as a clear signal of the other person’s interest. For those who are strongly drawn to the allure of an unanswered question, this may seem to take away some of the magic.

The chase may boost your self-esteem

Some individuals may initiate romantic relationships partly out of a desire to bolster their sense of self-worth. People without robust self-esteem often desire validation in the form of attention from others — including romantic attention. 

The process of attracting a new partner might help you temporarily push aside your doubts about whether you deserve affection and companionship. This feeling can fade as you start to settle down, though, potentially leading to renewed anxiety that can place a strain on the relationship.

If this isn’t adequately addressed, it may cause the partnership to fall apart. Then, you may seek out someone new to make yourself feel better, starting the cycle over again.

Popular ideas of romance can distort your expectations

Media and pop culture depictions of love can sometimes be obstacles to lasting relationships. They tend to focus heavily on the pursuit of romance, with the end of most love stories coming just at the point when the “chase” ends, and a couple admits their feelings for each other. 

The process of nurturing a long-term relationship — which at times can involve frustration, conflict, and hard work — may seem disappointing in comparison. If you’ve internalized the idea that courtship equals romance, you may interpret the beginning of relationship difficulties as a sign that you and your partner aren’t really in love.

Gender stereotypes can further complicate things. Men may receive the message from popular culture that it’s more masculine to avoid commitment, while women may get the impression that active pursuit from a partner is the only real sign of romantic interest. 

Some people may not be interested in monogamy

It’s also possible that cultural pressures are responsible for your believing that you should be in a committed, long-term relationship. Certain individuals may simply prefer to date casually or pursue non-monogamous interactions. Others may not be interested in romance at all due to an aromantic orientation or because they value other priorities more.

If you repeatedly find yourself walking away when things start to get serious, you may want to ask yourself whether a relationship is what you really want. 

How to move beyond the dating chase

Assuming you do want a long-term partnership, how can you break out of the cycle described above?

Take some time to be alone

If the dating chase is similar to an addiction, going “cold turkey” may be an effective strategy for quitting. Deliberately avoiding any romantic entanglements can give you time to assess your behavior and motivations. It can also allow your brain’s reward pathways to rewire so that you don’t experience such a strong compulsion to pursue new love.

You may want to try uninstalling any dating apps, deleting the phone numbers of people with whom you’re flirting, and taking at least a few months to focus on other interests.

Reflect on your values

Researchers have uncovered evidence that most people have a bias toward relationship progression that may lead us to overlook negative qualities in prospective partners. The intoxicating effects of new love can cloud judgment even further. 

During your period of relationship abstinence, it can be helpful to think about the things you want most from a partner. Making a list of ideal characteristics and deal-breakers may help you focus on people who have a real shot at being the best compliment to your own expectations.

It can also be a good idea to consider what matters most to you in life in areas aside from romance. Listing and thinking through your core values can help reinforce your self-esteem in a process experts call self-affirmation. That may help you be less likely to chase love as a substitute for self-worth.

Rethink your ideas about romance

Unhelpful notions about what love is and isn’t may feed into your attachment to the dating chase.

It may be a good idea to try journaling about the idea of romance and see what comes up. You may be surprised to find how much your behavior is rooted in misleading generalizations like the following:

• “All the passion goes out of a relationship when you put a label on it.”
• “Guys are only interested if you play hard to get.”
• “You’ll know when you’ve found The One.”
• “Girls don’t respect a guy who’s too nice to them.”
• “If you’re with the right person, a relationship won’t seem like hard work.”

Letting go of rigid, self-limiting ideas of what love can be may be crucial if you want to find a partnership that will last. 

Seek ways to grow as a couple

When you find someone you think might be worth holding onto, it can be important to look for shared activities that will help you and your partner become more well-rounded people. Studies suggest that engaging in this type of “self-expansion” may be crucial for keeping passion alive through a long-term relationship.

There can be many ways to do this. You could travel to new places, volunteer for charitable activities, or take classes to learn new skills. The key may be to find enriching activities that you can do as a couple, turning your relationship into a source of growth.

Find other sources of fulfillment

Repeatedly pursuing new connections may be an attempt to meet certain emotional needs that aren’t being satisfied elsewhere. If you want to let go of this behavior, you may have to find other ways to get what you need. Below are a few possible examples:

• If you’re looking for companionship, you could work on forging stronger connections with your friends.
• If you crave the thrill that comes with the dating chase, consider looking for other sources of excitement, like competitive games or pulse-pounding sports.
• If new relationships seem to promise security, you might want to work on building practical skills to increase your self-confidence.

Therapy can help you leave behind unhelpful dating habits

A licensed mental health professional can be a valuable ally when you’re trying to get over a “romance addiction.” Through therapy, you may be able to identify and let go of the behaviors that have been sabotaging your love life. 

Benefits of online therapy

If you don’t have easy access to mental health services near you, online therapy can greatly simplify the process of getting help. You can locate and chat with a licensed therapist without having to deal with waiting rooms, referrals, or commutes. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Evidence from clinical studies indicates that this approach can be an effective way to deliver therapy. A 2017 research review concluded that internet-based mental health care could effectively treat a wide variety of psychological difficulties. Working with a provider online may be a powerful and convenient way to break out of unhelpful relationship patterns.

Takeaway

The dating chase can be exciting and rewarding, leading to habit-forming neurological changes. In addition, the thrill of attracting a new partner may seem to compensate for challenges with self-esteem. Learning to feel confident and fulfilled on your own may make it easier to find lasting happiness with someone else. A licensed therapist, whether in-person or online, can guide you as you move through this healing journey.