According to researchers, 21% of men and 13% of women report partaking in infidelity at one point in their lives. Affairs and infidelity can often be painful for those who discover them, and trying to rebuild a relationship after they occur might feel overwhelming or out of reach.
Whether an affair has impacted you or you were participating in it, trying to save a marriage or relationship can take time, energy, and willingness to change your viewpoints. A therapist can work with people involved in or impacted by an affair to help them reach their relationship recovery goals and other desired outcomes.
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Emotions surrounding infidelity with professional support
Affairs are defined by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) as a type of infidelity that is committed between one partner and an outside individual who is not their partner or spouse. The word “affair” is often associated with long-term and repeated cheating behaviors, while “infidelity” might describe short-term or one-time interactions.
Infidelity describes actions – typically sexual, romantic, or sensual with an affair partner – which go against agreed-upon rules or boundaries established in a committed relationship.
Each relationship is different in considering what actions might be described as cheating. For example, partners might be encouraged to flirt with others or go on casual dates in one partnership. In another, romantic emotional connections and flirtations might be considered cheating.
If your partner goes against your relationship’s code, spends romantic or sexual time with another person, and hides these actions, they may be committing an affair.
How can infidelity impact a partner?
Infidelity can significantly impact one’s emotional and physical health. For many, it causes an influx of stress hormones like cortisol and feelings of emotional pain and betrayal. According to studies, infidelity causes grief, relationship challenges, and pain for the couple and any children they may raise together. Other potential impacts of infidelity could include:
Mental illness, like anxiety or depression
Difficulty caring for oneself
Feeling like a burden
Blaming yourself for your partner’s actions
Anger or rage
The desire to run away
Feeling frozen, dissociated, or “out of your body”
Difficulty with communication
Fear of abandonment
Heartbreak
Post-traumatic stress
Low self-esteem
Difficulty focusing at work or school
Loss of trust and intimacy
The partner who initiated the affair may also experience adverse symptoms after being faced with their actions. They might feel guilt, shame, or self-loathing. They may also try to reduce their responsibility or make multiple attempts to repair the relationship out of desperation or fear of losing their spouse or partner. These actions might cause the husband or wife to feel pressured or confused.
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How do the unfaithful partner and hurt partner find recovery after an affair?
Moving forward in the aftermath of infidelity can be possible, as outlined by a 2022 study. The study found that certain therapy methods — like the Butler clinical model — based on attachment and relational ambivalence are effective in helping partners stay together. Below are a few other ways to consider repairing a relationship and healing from infidelity.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship, but it may be essential in the period after an affair. Infidelity is a form of breaking boundaries, so reviewing boundaries and creating new ones can help couples develop a plan to reduce the chances of future infidelity and feel stable in recovery of the relationship.
Boundaries are rules you set for your body, space, time, energy, material belongings, wealth, and emotions, among other factors. Although you are unable to control someone else’s behavior with your boundaries, you can clarify what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. Outlining that you will not stay in the relationship if cheating occurs again is an example of a boundary.
Take time apart
After infidelity occurs, you may go through a phase when you might feel the urge to yell, cry, or beg your partner to help you understand their actions. However, interacting while feeling these intense emotions might not be beneficial. You might want to consider taking time apart to focus on your feelings and process what occurred.
If you and your partner live together, consider sleeping in separate rooms, booking a vacation rental, or spending some time in a hotel. You can also stay with friends and family if social support helps you during this time. This could be a good opportunity for your partner to take time to reflect on their actions, too.
When you understand how you want to proceed and feel ready to converse, you can slowly transition back into the relationship and start the conversation about where to go from here.
Apologize sincerely and work on making amends
If you were the unfaithful partner, note that the reasons behind your affair might not make your hurt partner feel better. Instead of hearing defensive excuses, they may await an apology and your initiation of relationship recovery. The first thing you may want to do is accept responsibility and know that you made a mistake.
To sincerely apologize to your partner, you can also try the following steps:
Avoid asking for a favor during your apology.
Apologize once instead of multiple times.
Apologize because you are aware you made a mistake, not because you want your partner to drop their accusations.
Avoid offering grand gestures of love or kindness during your apology, as it may be a form of “love bombing.”
Be understanding if the person doesn’t accept your apology.
Ask how you can repair your relationship, if possible, and come prepared with suggestions for how you can do so.
Give your partner or spouse space to consider your words.
Avoid accusing or blaming others, even if they also made mistakes.
Don’t ask for your partner’s apology in return.
Sincere apologies often come from a place of understanding, accountability, and a desire to change. If your apology is not followed up with behavioral changes and the promises you give to your partner, it may not have a positive impact. Words can be helpful, but they often don’t heal long-term pain.
Accept what has occurred
It could be valuable for both parties to make an agreement to accept what has occurred. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgiveness or disregarding the impact a transgression had. However, it can mean reminding yourself that the past cannot be changed and that taking steps to move forward might be more effective than ruminating on the past, thinking about what you could have changed, or blaming yourself for the events if they weren’t your fault.
This step can also be vital for the person who committed infidelity to realize the gravity of the situation. Accepting what you did, owning up to it, and letting your partner know what happened if they ask questions about the details could help you connect more profoundly and start to make a plan to repair the damage done.
Have a sincere conversation
When you and your partner are ready, consider having a sincere conversation. For the exchange to remain civil, engage in active listening by committing to not responding to your partner until they’ve finished what they say, and vice versa.
Active listening can also mean listening to understand and respond to what your partner is saying. It doesn’t mean listening to them to wait for a sign that it’s your turn to speak or to make accusations, incite shame, or try to argue. Even if your partner was in the wrong, set a goal for the conversation before you start to try to keep the conversation from going off-topic.
If you find that talking to each other is difficult or seems to always end in fights or if you’re struggling to answer questions about the affair, you can also try couples therapy to start the process of understanding and talking through the affair.
Redefine your expectations
Many couples see a change in their relationship dynamic after an affair, which can be healthy. If you struggle to return to the way your relationship was before, find ways you can redefine your recovery expectations and see what will happen. Below are a few considerations:
Have separate bedrooms or offices in your home
Set new boundaries
Spend more time with friends and family
Discuss your challenges in therapy
Start to work as a team instead of against each other
Remove screenshots, videos, and other media from your phone that remind you of the cheating and make you feel worse
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Emotions surrounding infidelity with professional support
You’re not alone if you’ve experienced infidelity. However, it can be difficult to cope with these challenges alone. If you’re struggling to connect with an in-person couples therapist due to insurance, cost, distance, or other aspects that make it challenging, consider online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individual therapy or ReGain for couples.
Couples can talk to a therapist from two different locations with these options if they are no longer in the same household. In addition, partners can choose their goals at the beginning, which can benefit those coming to therapy to address a specific challenge. Many therapists are specialists in topics like infidelity and can offer compassionate support as you navigate the different feelings, thoughts, and conversations around this topic.
Studies also back up the effectiveness of online therapy. One study found that couples found it more effective than face-to-face therapy due to the more significant sense of comfort they felt being able to talk to the therapist over a video chat in a comfortable environment. Having somewhere to receive support and services to cope with the past, recover from betrayal, and heal from pain can be essential for couples and individuals who have been in this situation.
Takeaway
Whether you’ve participated in an affair or have been affected by a partner’s affair, treatment options are available. Some couples find therapy an effective way to talk through infidelity with a non-judgmental expert. If you feel stuck in the shame, guilt, anger, or confusion you may feel at either end of an affair, there are ways to move onto a place of acceptance, clarity, and agency within your relationship. It may happen in stages, but healing is possible. Consider reaching out to a counselor online or in person to get started on your journey.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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