Self Sabotaging In A Relationship

Self-sabotage refers to conscious or unconscious behaviors that undermine a person’s own ability to succeed or find fulfillment in different areas of life—including work, friendships, or romantic relationships. Though self-sabotaging behaviors tend to harm the individual engaging in them the most, they can also cause harm to a partner when they appear in the context of a romantic relationship. Here, we'll explore signs that might signal you're self-sabotaging your relationships, discuss potential causes of these behaviors, and provide some strategies to help you address them in order to build healthier, more respectful relationships. 

Reasons people may self sabotage relationships

Self-sabotage in relationships can stem from a variety of causes, but one’s attachment style is often an underlying factor. Attachment styles refer to the ways in which we form relationships, and they’re thought to result from the quality of the bonds we were able to form with our primary caregivers as infants. 

Insecure attachment styles—such as “anxious” or “avoidant”—may manifest in adults who had childhood caregivers that were inattentive, distant, or neglectful. Anxiously attached individuals may do this in their adult relationships through suspicion or possessiveness of their partner. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may fear intimacy and sabotage by going to great lengths to sidestep situations that might require emotional intimacy, vulnerability, or commitment. 

It might also be enacted as a form of self-defense if an individual has been in abusive or neglectful dynamics previously or otherwise experienced a lack of respect in a relationship. People with other past trauma, low self-esteem, trouble trusting others, a lack of experience with relationships, or unrealistic expectations may also engage in self-sabotaging behavior.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Signs you might be self sabotaging relationships

If you notice warning signs like those listed below in your romantic relationships, it could indicate that you might be undermining the success of these connections.

For example, a person might reject the idea of meeting their partner's parents or friends, making the relationship “official” with labels, or taking other steps forward to progress the connection. Eventually, they might become distant or avoid spending time with their partner altogether. While it’s fair to leave close relationships that don’t feel right for you or to ask for more time before moving to a certain milestone, avoiding the deepening of a relationship that makes you happy and has positive potential could be a sign of sabotage.

If you notice a pattern in your dating history of quickly moving from one partner to the next without ever allowing yourself to build a meaningful connection with anyone, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. While short-term relationships are valid too, dating people in rapid succession without connecting in a way that feels meaningful or fulfilling to you could be a form of avoidance. 

People who tend to sabotage their relationships might use passive-aggressive behavior or the "silent treatment" when there's conflict within the relationship—or they may simply deny that it exists entirely. Addressing conflict and its effect on a partner’s feelings often requires a measure of vulnerability and honesty, and this could feel threatening or frightening to someone who tends to sabotage romantic connections. This tendency may be particularly common in those with an avoidant attachment style.

Jealousy of your partner’s actions and self-sabotage often go together, often leading to a lack of trust in the relationship and the potential for resentment. For example, an individual might text their significant other frequently to ask where they are, what they’re doing, and other details of their partner’s life in an effort to make sure they’re not cheating or thinking of leaving. If the partner refuses to comply or gets frustrated at the frequency of the request, it could cause tension, disrespect in the relationship, or even a breakup. This tendency may be particularly common in those with an anxious attachment style.

Holding a partner to impossible standards is another common way to bring about the end of a relationship this way. Many people struggle to figure out what realistic expectations for a relationship look like, often defaulting to perfectionism as the ideal to aim for. Since no individual and no relationship is perfect, this goal usually ends up making the self-sabotaging individual leave because their expectations aren’t met, or eventually making their partner leave because they never feel “good enough” and find that the constant criticism represents disrespectful behavior. 

There are many reasons a person might choose to step outside of the limitations they’ve agreed on with their partner regarding romantic or sexual contact with others, whether they’re monogamous or not. A person might cheat when they’re in intimate relationships that are going well because of fears and anxieties about commitment, for example, as they may expect to eventually get caught and be broken up with as a result. 

The reasons a person engages in self-sabotaging relationships are often deep and complex. They can be linked to fundamental fears, anxieties, and other negative emotions, or traumatic memories and can take time to identify and address. The following tips might help you along the way as you work to overcome this behavior and learn to build healthy relationships.

The first step toward overcoming these behaviors is usually to identify the pattern; only then can you start working to address the underlying cause. Engaging in reflection through journaling, therapy, and/or conversations with people who know you well are examples of ways to do this. 

Then, examining past experiences and looking for feelings or situations that motivated you to turn to some forms could be a constructive next step. For example, you might realize that a partner talking about their ex makes you feel threatened and want to engage in repeated bids for reassurance, which can sometimes end up pushing them away. Investigating the cause of such a response in yourself can provide insight into how you may eventually learn to manage it so it doesn’t damage your relationships.

Build your communication skills in a relationship

Once you’ve started learning about what types of situations can make you feel tempted to engage in these behaviors and why, you might then practice communicating how you feel in such moments instead of acting out. It takes honesty, and vulnerability to discuss this with your partner, but it could help them understand where you’re coming from and potentially offer some support as you work toward healing. 

All humans and all relationships are imperfect. Reminding yourself of this could help you manage a tendency toward setting unrealistic expectations. For instance, you might leave room for your partner to show you who they are instead of aiming to fit them into the idea you may have in your head about the type of person you should be with. You could also try practicing empathy, compassion, and forgiveness when they make mistakes, which can help you feel more comfortable in asking for the same when you inevitably make mistakes too.

Build your self-esteem to avoid sabotaging

As research on the topic suggests, childhood attachment trauma can result in an anxious or avoidant attachment style and a sense of low self-esteem. In turn, these can result in self-sabotaging behaviors and decreased relationship satisfaction. 

In addition to exploring your attachment style and how it may affect your romantic life, it can also be helpful to take measures to build your self-esteem if it’s low. You might do this through things like practicing positive affirmations and self-talk, listing the skills or qualities you appreciate in yourself, trying new things, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Finding respect in a relationship and friendships can also help.

Addressing self sabotaging behaviors

Self-sabotage within the context of interpersonal relationships often stems from a complex combination of factors. If you are the sabotaging partner, tracing where such tendencies may come from and working to address them can be a challenging journey to take alone. That’s why many people find it beneficial to enlist the support of a mental health professional along the way to help stop the behavior. A therapist may use a relationship sabotage scale (RSS) to identify particular challenges. According to constructive validity analyses, this brief scale provides conclusive studies about the patterns in a relationship. 

The therapist can then guide you through an exploration of your past relationship patterns and empower you to challenge these behavior patterns through techniques like cognitive reframing and healthy coping mechanisms. They can also act as a listening ear for the many emotions you may experience throughout this journey and throughout the course of your own relationships in general.

Some people are interested in seeking the support of a therapist with relationship or mental health challenges but aren’t able or willing to travel to regular in-person appointments. In cases like these, online therapy can be a more convenient and appealing option. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can receive the support of a licensed therapist without ever having to leave home. You can get matched and meet with a provider via phone, video call, or in-app messaging from anywhere you have a stable internet connection. Research suggests that virtual and face-to-face therapy can usually offer the same kinds of benefits, so you can generally choose whichever format is right for you.