Self Sabotaging Relationship Signs & Patterns

Self-sabotage refers to conscious or unconscious behaviors that undermine a person’s own ability to succeed or find fulfillment in different areas of life—including work, friendships, or romantic relationships. Though self-sabotaging behaviors tend to harm the individual engaging in them the most, they can also cause harm to a partner when they appear in the context of a romantic relationship. Below, explore signs that may signal self-sabotaging behaviors in your relationships, potential causes of these behaviors, and strategies to help you address them and build healthier, more respectful relationships. 

Reasons people may self-sabotage relationships

Self-sabotage in relationships can stem from a variety of causes, but one’s attachment style is often an underlying factor. Attachment styles refer to how people form relationships, and they’re thought to result from the quality of the bonds formed with their primary caregivers during infancy. 

Insecure attachment styles—such as “anxious” or “avoidant”—may manifest in adults who had childhood caregivers who were inattentive, distant, or neglectful. Anxiously attached individuals may do this in their adult relationships through suspicion or possessiveness of their partner. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may fear intimacy and sabotage by going to great lengths to sidestep situations that might require emotional intimacy, vulnerability, or commitment. People may also self-sabotage as a form of self-protection.

Protecting yourself either intentionally or unintentionally

Often, self-sabotage is a form of self-defense, especially if an individual has been in abusive or neglectful dynamics previously or otherwise experienced a lack of respect in a relationship. People with other past trauma, low self-esteem, trouble trusting others, a lack of experience with relationships, or unrealistic expectations may also engage in self-sabotaging behavior.

Signs you might be self-sabotaging relationships

If you notice warning signs in your romantic relationships, it may indicate that you are undermining the success of these connections. Below are some signs you might be self-sabotaging.

Finding reasons to break up to protect yourself

A person might reject the idea of meeting their partner's parents or friends, making the relationship “official” with labels, or taking other steps forward to progress the connection. Eventually, they might become distant or avoid spending time with their partner altogether. While it’s fair to leave close relationships that aren't right for you or to ask for more time before reaching a particular milestone, avoiding the deepening of a relationship that brings you happiness and has positive potential could be a sign of sabotage.

Quickly changing relationships

If you notice a pattern in your dating history of quickly moving from one partner to the next without ever allowing yourself to build a meaningful connection with anyone, you might be engaging in self-sabotage. While short-term relationships are valid too, dating people in rapid succession without forming meaningful or fulfilling connections could be a form of avoidance. 

Avoiding addressing conflict in safe relationships

People who tend to sabotage their relationships often employ passive-aggressive behavior or the "silent treatment" when conflict arises within the relationship, or they may deny that it exists altogether. Addressing conflict and its impact on a partner’s feelings often requires a measure of vulnerability and honesty, which can seem threatening or frightening to someone who tends to sabotage romantic connections. This tendency may be particularly common in those with an avoidant attachment style.

Suspicion of your partner and possible cheating

Jealousy of your partner’s actions and self-sabotage often go hand in hand, leading to a lack of trust in the relationship and the potential for resentment. For example, an individual might text their significant other frequently to ask where they are, what they’re doing, and other details of their partner’s life, to ensure they're not cheating or thinking of leaving. If the partner refuses to comply or becomes frustrated with the frequency of the request, it could lead to tension, disrespect in the relationship, or a breakup. This tendency may be particularly common in those with an anxious attachment style.

Being overly critical of your partner

Holding a partner to impossible standards is another common way to bring about the end of a relationship. Many people struggle to determine what realistic expectations for a relationship entail, often defaulting to perfectionism as the ideal to strive for. Since no individual or relationship is perfect, this goal often leads to the self-sabotaging individual leaving because their expectations aren’t met, or eventually causes their partner to leave because they’re never “good enough” and perceive the constant criticism as disrespectful behavior. 

Patterns of infidelity

There are many reasons a person might choose to step outside of the limitations they’ve agreed on with their partner regarding romantic or sexual contact with others, whether they’re monogamous or not. A person might cheat when they’re in intimate relationships that are going well because of fears and anxieties about commitment, for example, as they may expect to eventually get caught and be broken up with as a result. 

Tips for recognizing this behavior

The reasons a person engages in self-sabotaging relationships are often deep and complex. They can be linked to fundamental fears, anxieties, and other negative emotions, or traumatic memories and can take time to identify and address. The following tips may help you along the way as you work to overcome this behavior and develop healthy relationships.

Increase your self-awareness

To overcome these behaviors, identify the pattern. By doing so, you may start working to address the underlying cause. Engaging in reflection through journaling, therapy, and conversations with people who know you well are examples of ways to start. Then, examining past experiences and looking for feelings or situations that motivated you could be a constructive next step.

For example, you might realize that a partner talking about their ex is threatening to you and makes you wantto engage in repeated bids for reassurance, which can sometimes end up pushing them away. Investigating the cause of such a response in yourself can provide insight into how you may eventually learn to manage it so it doesn’t damage your relationships.

Build your communication skills in a relationship

Once you’ve started learning about the types of situations that tempt you to engage in these behaviors and their underlying reasons, you can then practice communicating how you feel in such moments instead of acting out. It often takes honesty and vulnerability to discuss this with your partner. However, doing so could help them understand where you’re coming from and potentially offer some support as you work toward healing. 

Set realistic expectations on how to avoid a self-sabotaging relationship

All humans and all relationships are imperfect. Reminding yourself of this factor can help you manage a tendency to set unrealistic expectations. For instance, you might leave room for your partner to reveal their personality to you, rather than trying to fit them into the idea you may have in your head about the type of person you should be with. You can also try practicing empathy, compassion, and forgiveness when others make mistakes, which can help you become more comfortable asking for the same when you inevitably make mistakes too.

Build your self-esteem to avoid sabotaging

As research on the topic suggests, childhood attachment trauma can result in an anxious or avoidant attachment style and a sense of low self-esteem. In turn, these can result in self-sabotaging behaviors and decreased relationship satisfaction. 

In addition to exploring your attachment style and its potential impact on your romantic life, it can also be beneficial to take steps to boost your self-esteem if it’s low. You can start by practicing positive affirmations and self-talk, listing the skills or qualities you appreciate about yourself, trying new things, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Finding respect in relationships and friendships can also be beneficial.

Addressing self-sabotaging behaviors

Self-sabotage within the context of interpersonal relationships often stems from a complex combination of factors. If you are the sabotaging partner, tracing he origins of such tendencies and working to address them can be a challenging journey to undertake alone. That’s why many people find it beneficial to enlist the support of a mental health professional along the way to help stop the behavior. A therapist may use a relationship sabotage scale (RSS) to identify specific challenges. According to constructive validity analyses, this brief scale provides conclusive evidence about the patterns in a relationship. 

Professional help for self-sabotaging relationships

The therapist can then guide you through an exploration of your past relationship patterns and empower you to challenge these behavior patterns through techniques like cognitive reframing and healthy coping mechanisms. They can also serve as a listening ear for the many emotions you may experience throughout this journey and in the course of your own relationships.

Some people are interested in seeking the support of a therapist with relationship or mental health challenges, but they aren’t able or willing to travel to regular in-person appointments. In cases like these, online therapy can be a more convenient and appealing option. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can receive the support of a licensed therapist without ever having to leave home. You can get matched and meet with a provider via phone, video call, or in-app messaging from anywhere you have a stable internet connection. Research suggests that virtual and face-to-face therapy can usually offer the same kinds of benefits, so you can generally choose whichever format is right for you.