Am I Still In Love Or Is It Time To End The Relationship?

It’s normal to experience ups and downs over the course of a romantic relationship. When you’re in a low point, however, deciding if you’re simply going through a rough period with your partner or if your feelings have changed can be difficult to sort out. Reflecting on your needs, circumstances, and what you want from the future of this connection can be a powerful method of helping yourself realize whether you want to stay in a relationship or walk away. Having open and honest discussions with your partner can help put the relationship in perspective, too. You might also take measures to try and strengthen your dynamic if you believe the love may still be there.

This article offers the following questions to reflect on if you’re asking yourself whether you’re still in love:

• What past expectations did I have for this relationship?
• What present circumstances are contributing to the state of the relationship?
• What future possibilities exist for this relationship?

Past expectations

Especially when times are tough in relationships, it’s not uncommon to get nostalgic for the happier days of the past. However, it can sometimes be more helpful to think of the past in terms of the expectations you had then, and to examine how things have changed. As Brené Brown says in her book Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution, “Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment”. Sometimes, the love between partners diminishes because of unmet expectations. New relationships are often exciting, and it’s possible to get swept up in that excitement without ever vocalizing or discussing expectations. When the excitement dies down over time, it may become clear to one or both partners that what they expected no longer lines up with reality.

Am I still in love?: Expectations could change

Even if expectations were discussed early in the relationship, they can change as it progresses. For instance, what’s expected from each partner and from their dynamic after a second date and what’s expected after moving in together will likely differ drastically. If new expectations aren’t communicated as things change, it can lead to a disconnect and unhappiness on one or both sides. In other words, it’s possible that you still love your partner while also feeling the burden of unmet expectations. Setting aside time to discuss these and perhaps consider a shift in expectations for the future could help partners get back on the same page. 

Present circumstances

In long-term relationships, there will eventually be difficult life events or circumstances a couple has to face together. As one or both partners work through the challenging time, there may be strain on their relationship as a result. It may make them begin to question whether they’re still happy in the partnership. Recognizing when external factors are influencing your dynamic can help you get perspective on whether this is just a rough patch or if there are more serious issues at play. Cultivating empathy for what your partner may be going through can be helpful during this time, as can communicating openly about how you can support them and what they might need to help them move through this challenge.

Future possibilities

Once the past expectations and present circumstances have been examined, it may become easier to consider the possibilities the future might hold. Sometimes, simply asking yourself, “Do I love this person enough to see a future with them?” can help you get clarity on whether it might be time to end a relationship. Thinking about how your lifestyle, career, and personal goals fit into the future of the relationship can also be helpful. If both partners are supportive of the other’s goals and want to achieve them together, that can be an indicator that the connection could be worth holding on to.

A lack of compatibility in the heart or mind

Alternatively, conversations about goals and future plans may show a lack of compatibility. Maintaining love for a partner can be difficult when both parties are working toward different futures. It’s also possible to still be in love with someone despite being on two different paths. Either way, having an honest and compassionate conversation about your feelings and how you envision your future can be a helpful starting point.

How to move forward in your relationship

Now that you’ve looked at your relationship through these three lenses, you can begin to crystallize your conclusions. If past expectations are not being met, will they be met in the future—or do they need to be adjusted? If present circumstances are causing the relationship to falter, are you using those circumstances to learn how to better support each other in the future? Do you believe you can get through these challenges together? These lines of thinking can help you understand if you might still be in love with your partner and if a compatible future could be possible. If it’s difficult to imagine working through more tough times with them, or if the future seems easier without your partner in it, it may be time to think about walking away from the relationship.

Doubt or confusion feelings in a relationship

It can be frustrating if you’re presently feeling unsure about your relationship. Sometimes, our emotions can be confusing, but this situation can help you understand yourself better and determine what you want in a partner.

It can sometimes be difficult to tell whether you’ve lost feelings for your partner or whether you’re simply dealing with mismatched expectations or going through a difficult time. That’s one reason that some people may choose to pursue strategies to strengthen their relationship before ending it to see if their connection to their partner can be rekindled for a more positive, connected future. If you’re looking for ways to try and improve your dynamic with your partner, the tips below might be worth considering.

Learn about love languages

A person’s love language is the primary way in which they prefer to receive affection—the way that makes them feel the most loved. According to Gary Chapman, the author of the first book on love languages, there are five: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gift-giving.

One study found that people who expressed their affection in their partner’s preferred love language “experienced greater satisfaction with their relationships”, so broaching this topic with your partner may be worthwhile.

Examine your attachment style

Per attachment theory, the care a child receives from their primary caregiver(s) in their first six months of life can predict how they’ll be able to form bonds with others later in life. Children who receive adequate, attentive care are, as the theory goes, likely to develop a secure attachment style that allows them to form stable relationships as adults. Children who don’t may develop one of the insecure styles: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Understanding your attachment style may help you understand your behaviors within your relationship.

Attachment style example

For example, someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style may have a hard time trusting others. They might try to avoid emotional intimacy, feel uncomfortable being vulnerable and expressing emotions to others, and feel threatened by someone attempting to get close to them. If you’ve been thinking that you may have fallen out of love with your partner, it could be worth examining your attachment style to see if it may possibly contribute to your mixed feelings. It’s valid to have your feelings for a partner change, regardless of your attachment style—however, it can be helpful to consider this as a potential factor when making larger decisions about your relationship. 

Seek additional support for doubt or confusion about feelings in a relationship

Speaking to a neutral party about your relationship can help you discover ways in which you might strengthen it. It might also give you the opportunity to sort through your feelings in an effort to understand whether you still feel love for your partner or not. Friends and family can offer helpful support during troubling times, but they may not be able to provide unbiased feedback. Resources like books and articles can be helpful too. In addition, you might also consider meeting with a counselor to discuss your feelings about your relationship, as they’re trained to offer a nonjudgmental safe space where you can be honest and get unbiased support. Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship can be a difficult and painful process, and a trained professional may be able to help guide you through it.

Benefits of online therapy for mixed emotions

If you have a busy schedule or simply prefer to meet with someone virtually rather than travel to in-person appointments, you might consider online therapy. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging, depending on your preference. If you think it might be helpful for you and your partner to meet with someone together, online couples counseling is also available for those who find it more convenient or comfortable. With a virtual therapy platform like Regain, you and your significant other can meet with a trained couples therapist to address the challenges you may be facing. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Online therapy can be an effective tool to support both individuals and couples. One study compared traditional couples therapy with videoconferencing couples therapy and found that the results were comparable in terms of factors like relationship satisfaction and adjustment. Other studies suggest that online therapy can offer similar benefits to in-person sessions for individuals as well, in most cases. If you’re facing challenges related to your relationship, meeting with a qualified therapist—either online or in person—may be helpful. Read on for reviews of BetterHelp therapists from clients in similar situations who have sought their help.