Becoming Your Own Advocate: Practicing Assertiveness In Your Relationship

Before you can start practicing assertive communication in your relationship, it may help to understand what assertiveness means—as well as what it doesn’t. 

What assertive communication is

At its heart, assertiveness is the ability to openly express your feelings, needs, and expectations. This can vary from person to person, but in general, it means:

• Advocating for yourself
• Telling people what you really think
• Expressing your true feelings 
• Enforcing your boundaries
• Speaking up when people do hurtful things
• Knowing and standing up for your rights
• Listening to and respecting your partner

Working to be more direct

Some people may believe that being assertive means being aggressive or taking control, but this is not the case. Assertive behavior does not mean:

• Insulting or disrespecting someone
• Forcing your views on someone
• Violating someone’s personal boundaries
• Disregarding other people’s needs
• Manipulating people into doing what you want them to do
• Being unwilling to make compromises

Speaking up can benefit your mental health

Done correctly, assertiveness may improve romantic relationships by helping partners stay open with each other and bring up things that are bothering them. With balance, assertiveness may also promote healthier relationships by:

• Allowing both partners to sense that they are heard, respected, and understood
• Preventing feelings of resentment and bitterness
• Helping partners resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both of them
• Helping partners understand each other better
• Making it easier to arrive at decisions that consider each person’s needs
• Making partners more confident

On the other hand, not being assertive enough or being too passive may also contribute to anxiety and depression, according to the American Psychological Association. This is why it can be an important skill to develop—not only in your romantic relationships but also in your friendships and work relationships. 

How to be more assertive

Some people think that assertiveness is something you’re either born with or not. However, you can develop assertiveness just like any other skill, and a romantic relationship can be a great place to practice it. This may feel uncomfortable at first or even feel guilty, and improvement is unlikely to happen overnight, but it may help to remember that assertiveness is often a form of self-love. You deserve to be heard and respected, so it can help to think of being assertive as a gift to yourself. If you’re working on being more assertive in your relationship, the following tips may help:

Get familiar with your own needs. A key part of assertiveness is to understand what you desire and expect. It can be hard to advocate for yourself if you don’t know your own thoughts and feelings. Consider taking some time to reflect on what’s important to you in your relationship and your overall happiness. What do you need to feel healthy, happy, and fulfilled? Needs in a relationship may include things like physical affection, quality time, independence, and emotional support. You might try to keep your needs in mind and revisit them from time to time. If you notice one that isn’t being met, you can bring it up with your partner. They may appreciate that you brought it to their attention. 

Establish boundaries

Establish boundaries. Boundaries are the personal limits you place on your time, body, and relationships. They are the lines you draw that people shouldn’t cross. Boundaries can vary from person to person, and it is your responsibility to communicate and enforce your own boundaries. Some examples of setting boundaries in a relationship may include:

• Not tolerating abuse, disrespect, or manipulation
• Expecting your partner to respect your boundaries
• Putting limits on the sexual activities with which you’re comfortable
• Establishing rules for resolving conflicts
• Setting limits on family involvement

One example of a boundary you could set is a limit on much you are willing to talk to your partner if you have a difference in perspective or opinions regarding religion, for example. If you haven’t already done so, you might make a point to go over your boundaries with your partner, and then prepare to stick to them. There is nothing wrong with saying “no” to something with which you’re uncomfortable. 

Practice being direct. Less assertive people may have trouble saying what they really mean, so working on expressing yourself directly can be a good place to start. If your partner asks you for your opinion on something, you can communicate it without letting yourself overthink it. You may find it helpful to practice saying what you mean in as few words as possible. Start small and remember that improvement takes time. Maintaining eye contact can also be helpful if you are struggling. 

Expect pushback

Don’t panic if there’s pushback. When you’re first starting to be assertive, it can be common for other people to test your boundaries and create conflict, especially if they aren’t used to you advocating for yourself. You might form a plan of what to say if this happens, and then you can try to avoid caving in. Instead, you might remind yourself that you’re allowed to assert your needs. If you gently but firmly resist, your partner may start to learn where the limits are. 

Remember to be respectful. It can be important not to confuse assertiveness with aggression, especially when you’re first getting used to practicing it. While the goal of assertiveness is to communicate your needs and wants, remember to treat your partner with respect as well by listening to their needs and desire and remembering to act with kindness. You might aim to make yourself heard without resorting to manipulation, name-calling, or other unhealthy communication strategies. This may damage the relationship and lead to problems down the line. Instead, you might practice staying calm and compassionate. If you experience difficulty managing your emotions, you might also consider practicing mindfulness to take a moment and get some distance from the stress of the interaction. 

The role of medical professionals

Consider seeking outside help from a mental health professional: Being assertive in a relationship can be tricky if you’re not used to doing it. You might notice feelings of stress or anxiety, especially if your partner is having trouble adjusting to the new dynamic. Working with a mental health professional or relationship coach may help you learn strategies to be more assertive in your relationship. If you feel hesitant to sign up for traditional in-person therapy, you might consider online therapy. 

With online therapy, you can connect with a therapist in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by audio, video, or live chat. Also, with BetterHelp, you can reach out to your therapist 24/7 through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. This may be useful if you experience difficulty with assertiveness in between therapy sessions.  

Numerous peer-reviewed studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy. One study from 2017 found that online therapy was effective for social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression, among other mental health conditions.