Building Emotional Intimacy: How To Be Secure In A Relationship

The early stages of a relationship can be blissful and exciting, but learning how to be secure in a relationship, especially when it’s new, often comes with challenges. You might not know each other very well yet or have romantic trauma from past relationships. Even in more established partnerships, there might be factors that contribute to feelings of relationship insecurity. 

Building intimacy can be essential to growing into a happy, healthy relationship where you both feel safe, loved, and secure. As you develop your partnership, you may find it helpful to talk to one another, actively listen to each other, stay accountable, and maintain each other’s boundaries. Working with a licensed mental health professional online or in person can be an effective way to ensure you and your partner feel heard and understood.

Feeling insecure in your romantic relationship?

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What does a secure relationship look like?

Why you feel insecure in your relationship

Lacking confidence in a relationship can be a common and uncomfortable issue. If you are experiencing insecurities about your relationship with your partner, there could be several causes. Consider whether the following might be playing a role in your sense of insecurity regarding your romantic relationship.

Lack of trust

If you’ve recently become involved in a new relationship, you might not have had time yet to fully establish trust in one another. Alternatively, your partner may have broken your trust or otherwise given you a reason not to trust them. In many cases, trust and relationship security can be established or reestablished with conflict resolution, time, honesty, and consistency.

Relationship history

If you’ve experienced unhealthy relationships in the past, you might have difficulty feeling secure with someone else, even if your new partner hasn’t given you a reason to doubt the security of your relationship. Maintaining open communication and reminding yourself that your previous relationship doesn’t define your current one can help you overcome misdirected insecurity in a new relationship.

Inconsistency

It can hurt if it seems like your partner wants to fully focus on you one moment but not the next, and that can lead to some insecurity about the future of your relationship. Importantly, a potential reason for these mixed feelings could be mismatched love languages (i.e., you and your partner prefer to show and receive love in different ways). 

In many cases, straightforward communication can clear up how they might be feeling about the relationship and help you feel closer as a partnership. (A research professor from Arizona State University clarifies that communication includes both verbal and nonverbal forms.) However, the perception of inconsistency could also stem from fighting or your significant other previously threatening to end the relationship.

Anxious attachment style

According to attachment theory, attachment styles are often established in childhood and tend to mirror our attachments to our caregivers. An anxious attachment style, also known as preoccupied or anxious-ambivalent attachment, can be defined as a type of insecure attachment stemming from a baby forming its first relationships with inconsistent caregivers. In adulthood, this type of attachment can result in insecurity about relationships with family members and friends, for example, but it can affect romantic relationships as well.

Mental health conditions or disorders

Certain mental health conditions can also contribute to experiencing insecurity in a relationship. Anxiety, depression, and personality disorders, among other conditions, can affect how we feel about ourselves and how we form relationships with the people around us, potentially leading to relationship distress or a sense of insecurity.

How to establish emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is often described as a close emotional bond between two people, leading to perceptions of trust, emotional safety, and security. When you’re in an emotionally safe relationship with someone who is a good partner for you, you might feel comfortable being vulnerable with them, communicating your own needs and your innermost feelings without the fear of rejection.

To experience a greater sense of security in a relationship, emotional intimacy is often an important matter. While updated evidence may be beneficial, existing studies suggest that emotional intimacy is often correlated with relationship satisfaction. Trusting that you can safely express your thoughts and emotions to your partner can create a sense of closeness and build self-esteem. Similarly, hearing your partner express the inner workings of their mind to you can reassure you that they trust you and are committed to your relationship.

Other types of intimacy that can be important in a secure relationship can include the following:

• Physical intimacy: Holding hands, hugging, kissing, having sex, or engaging in other forms of affectionate touching.
• Intellectual intimacy: Expressing your thoughts and ideas to your partner and being interested in hearing theirs as well.
• Spiritual intimacy: Discussing your beliefs with one another, including but not limited to religion, morals, and purpose.
• Experiential intimacy: Having similar experiences or engaging in new activities together.
• Social intimacy: Spending quality time talking with one another, such as telling stories or having honest conversations.

Building emotional security in your relationship

Whether you are entering a new relationship or looking to strengthen a more established one, you may have the ability to work together to build emotional intimacy and create a greater sense of security with your partner.

Talk to one another

Often, building emotional intimacy can be as simple as talking to one another. You might talk about your day, tell stories from before you met, or get to know your partner on a deeper level. By having open and honest conversations, feelings of emotional intimacy can come naturally, strengthening your bond and influencing feelings of safety and security with one another.

Listen actively to each other

An important aspect of open and honest conversations can be listening actively to one another, beyond just waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening can involve maintaining eye contact, nodding along as your partner speaks, and asking questions to further the conversation.

Use reassuring body language

Senses of distance or loneliness in a relationship can sometimes be due to the physical cues you give or receive from your partner. Turning your body toward your partner when spending time together, putting down your electronics, or giving them some form of affectionate touch can communicate that you like being around them, potentially encouraging them to reciprocate that body language as well.

Communicate your feelings

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship or are unsure how your partner feels about you, it can be helpful to express those feelings to your partner. They might be entirely unaware of how you are feeling, and discussing how they can reassure you and help you feel loved may set you on a path toward stronger emotional intimacy and relationship security.

Be accountable

Trust can play an important role in emotional intimacy. Following through on what you say you’re going to do can show your partner that you are trustworthy and committed to the relationship. If you both call when you say you will, arrive on time for dates, and communicate when plans change, it can build trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship, leaving neither of you to question where the other stands.

Respect boundaries

When you respect your partner’s boundaries — including their time, personal details they’re willing to give right away, and desired intimacy levels, among others — you are generally showing them that you care about how they feel and respect what they’re comfortable with. Similarly, when your partner respects your boundaries, you might feel safer being around them and being vulnerable with them, knowing they will be kind and understanding.

Work with a therapist

If you are having difficulty establishing trust, building emotional intimacy, or feeling secure with your partner, couples or individual therapy can be a helpful option. In individual therapy, you might explore your past experiences — from previous relationships to childhood — that might make it difficult to trust someone or feel secure in a relationship. 

In couples therapy, you might discuss current relationship patterns that contribute to feelings of insecurity and find healthy ways to communicate your emotions and needs to your partner. A therapist can recommend personalized strategies to help you heal from past trauma and exhibit healthy relationship behaviors moving forward.

Benefits of online therapy

Being in a romantic relationship is often a significant time commitment, which can make it difficult to commute to in-person therapy appointments. Additionally, couples may find it difficult to coordinate their schedules with a local therapist. Many times, online therapy can be a helpful alternative to face-to-face sessions. With online therapy, you can meet with a licensed counselor from your phone or laptop anywhere you have an internet connection. Plus, you and your partner don’t necessarily need to attend from the same location, potentially making it easier to find time for sessions among busy schedules.

Research suggests that online therapy can be just as effective for relationships as in-person sessions. A 2022 study compared couples’ online therapy experiences in face-to-face sessions to those in online sessions and found no significant difference between the two formats, noting that all participants generally exhibited positive changes in relationship satisfaction and decreased symptoms of mental health conditions.