Understanding Codependency And Codependent Behavior
Medically reviewed by April Justice, LICSW
Updated October 14, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention substance use-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance use, contact SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Support is available 24/7. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.
A healthy relationship usually involves the provision of care and support between partners. However, when two people depend on one another to meet all their emotional or psychological needs, they may have a codependent dynamic. Codependency or interdependency can occur in friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, or relationships with family members. Often, one individual in the relationship may enable the other to continue partaking in unhealthy habits, such as substance use or maltreatment of others. The other codependent partner may believe they cannot make independent decisions, meet their own needs, or cope without this person's influence and support.
Building healthy, stable relationships is possible
When codependency takes root, both individuals may lose sight of who they are outside of their connection to each other. Addressing codependency in relationships often involves working with a therapist to identify unhealthy patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Learning more about these patterns may help those facing codependency open themselves up to a healthier dynamic in the future.
What are codependent relationships?
The APA Dictionary of Psychology lists two definitions of codependency. The first definition describes a state of mutual reliance, such as a relationship where two individuals believe they are dependent on one another for their well-being. The second definition involves a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which an individual is psychologically dependent on or controlled by someone with a substance use disorder (previously called substance abuse disorder). While substance use can be a part of codependency, it may not be in every case.
Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis. Rather, it is an emotional and behavioral condition characterized by the provision of continuing support to an individual—often, at the exclusion of meeting one’s own needs. Typically, the individual who receives this attention is a family member who has a concurrent, ongoing need or desire for such support. Some people who get into codependent relationships may notice a pattern of multiple relationships of this type. This dynamic might be referred to as "relationship addiction" as it can involve holding onto relationships through intense conflict, often out of a desire to "fix" the other person's challenges. This is typically a learned behavior that arises out of childhood experiences with one’s caregivers.
Those in a reliant relationship may do whatever they can to maintain their connection to meet psychological needs. Even if they recognize the dysfunction in their relationship, they might not know how to address or work towards a stable or mutually satisfying relationship.
Risk factors for developing a codependent relationship
The concept of codependency used to be primarily applied to those who maintain relationships with partners with substance use disorders. In the way that "substance abuse" has been changed to the more acceptable term, "substance use," the way researchers understand codependency has changed. No longer only used to describe partners of people living with a chemical dependency, the term codependency now encompasses many types of relationships or situations where this dynamic is present.
According to Mental Health America, a dysfunctional family dynamic is the primary source of codependency. Dysfunctional families often develop patterns of unhealthy behavior because of a specific challenge, such as a history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or one person’s addiction or mental illness.
For example, those in a family with someone with an insecure attachment style, a gambling addiction, or communication challenges may be at risk of becoming interdependent. Individuals with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, and other mental health conditions may also engage in codependent relationships with partners or other family members. In this dynamic, other family members may focus on providing support to the one individual.
According to multiple studies, a person who has faced childhood trauma or viewed interdependent patterns in their primary caregivers may also be more likely to develop codependent dynamics as an adult. They may feel responsible for the emotions of friends and family members and neglect their own wants and needs. This pattern can lead people with interdependent tendencies to form and maintain relationships with people who have an excessive need or desire for attention, care, and support.
Some people who have issues with codependency can also be susceptible to learned behavioral or thought patterns, which can create a tendency toward this type of dynamic. These might include:
- A perception that one is responsible for the actions of others
- Confusing love with pity
- A desire to control others
- Difficulty recognizing and expressing feelings
- Inflexibility in responding to change
- An unhealthy dependence on relationships
- Offering more than their part
- Desiring the approval of others
- Desiring recognition
- Difficulty with assertiveness
- Intimacy challenges
- Difficulty setting healthy boundaries
- Poor communication skills
- Difficulty making decisions
- A fear of abandonment
- Frequent anger or irritability
It may be helpful to note that some people can experience these symptoms without codependency being present. For example, people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may exhibit these symptoms due to experiencing a traumatic event.
Codependency may be present when the above symptoms are frequent or negatively impact an individual's mental health or the security of the relationship. In these cases, a counselor may help you examine your patterns to identify whether codependency might be a challenge for you and how to move forward.
Self-inquiring questions for understanding codependent behavior
Remaining aware of the signs of codependency can help you address it in your relationship. Try to observe your behavior. Notice your feelings about yourself, loved ones, friends, family, and life. Asking self-prompted questions about codependency may lead you to some of the answers you seek. Note that online checklists are not a replacement for professional advice. Although self-examination may be helpful, speaking to a therapist specializing in codependency can offer personalized and relevant support. Below are a few self-inquiry questions you can ask to get familiar with the topic of potential codependency in your relationships:
- Do I stay quiet to avoid conflict?
- Do I have low self-esteem?
- Am I worried about what others think of me?
- Does my romantic partner put me down, belittle me, or threaten my well-being?
- Does my partner physically, emotionally, or sexually abuse me?
- Is my partner dependent on any substances?
- Do I know who I am?
- Do I feel as though there are dysfunctional family dynamics in this relationship?
- Do I feel that I can be myself in my relationship?
- Do I feel inadequate no matter how hard I try?
- Is adjusting to change difficult for me?
- Does this person try to turn me against other people in my life?
- Do I feel like a bad person if I make a minor mistake?
- Do I feel humiliated when my partner makes a mistake?
- Do I have difficulty accepting compliments or presents?
- Do I feel uncomfortable expressing my feelings?
- Do I feel rejected when my partner spends time with others?
- Do I think I am the only person keeping my loved ones from failing?
- Do I have difficulty talking to authority figures?
- Do I have difficulty saying no or setting boundaries?
- Do I feel like I can't do anything right?
- Do I feel like my emotional development is being hindered?
- Do I struggle to ask for help when I need it?
If you experience difficulty with some of these areas occasionally, it may be normal. However, it could be a sign of codependency if you consistently see these themes arising in your relationships.
How family members can address codependency or abuse
Learning to break the patterns of codependency may not happen overnight. However, with applicable resources, tools, and practice, you may feel better equipped to address potentially unhealthy behaviors, set boundaries, and develop a strong sense of self. Below are a few support options you may have when facing codependent relationships.
Mental health support groups for codependency
Support groups are one way that some people choose to work through challenges in their lives. It often helps to spend time with people who are experiencing similar concerns. One of the most widely known codependency support groups is Al-Anon. It's a 12-step program for people in a codependent relationship with someone who has alcohol use challenges. Codependents Anonymous is another 12-step program with a broader focus intended to include anyone in any type of codependent relationship.
Support groups like these often aim to teach personal responsibility. First, participants may be encouraged to accept that they have a problem and then face the situation honestly. Next, they can learn strategies for making changes. Once finished with the first steps, they can focus on changing unhealthy behavior. Groups are often intended to offer understanding, support, and guidance on the path to recovery.
Building healthy, stable relationships is possible
Therapy and treatment options for codependency
Breaking out of old patterns can be difficult, so some people turn to a mental health professional for help. A trained therapist can assist you in identifying unhealthy relationship patterns, exploring possible root causes, and building the skills that may allow you to make different choices. Therapy can also help you address chronic mental health challenges that may be underlying difficulty developing healthy relationships.
If you have trouble leaving home, have a busy schedule, or feel more comfortable at home, you may consider signing up for an internet-based counseling service like BetterHelp. Online platforms may be more convenient, as they require a smart device and an internet connection instead of a commute to an office.
An academic examination published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction in 2020 found that group therapy, individual therapy, and family therapy were effective methods for introducing growth, self-discovery, and healing strategies. Participants noted that they preferred these types of therapy because they empowered them to seek further treatment.
Takeaway
Codependency may be challenging to address on your own. Contacting a licensed counselor can help you learn more about your relationship patterns, improve your self-esteem, and break cycles. Consider talking to a provider to get started.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
How is someone codependent?
Codependency is a psychological construct in which a person exhibits excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support due to an illness or addiction. Timmen L. Cermak, an American psychiatrist, is considered a pioneer in the field of codependency. Although codependency was not integrated into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Cermak established the core defining features of codependency:
- External focusing: This behavior involves focusing on the expectations and needs of others, often at the expense of one's own needs. Their sense of self-worth may come from the approval and validation of others, leading to a constant need for external validation.
- Emotional suppression: Individuals who are codependent may engage in deliberate suppression or have limited conscious awareness of their emotions. They may ignore their own feelings or downplay their emotional needs, focusing instead on the feelings of others.
- Interpersonal control: This aspect refers to an enhanced belief in one's ability to fix other people's problems. Codependent individuals often feel responsible for the happiness and well-being of others and believe they can control or cure their issues.
- Self-sacrifice: Codependency is often characterized by self-sacrificial behavior, where individuals neglect their own needs and focus predominantly on the needs of others. They may go to great lengths to help or support others, even at a cost to their own health or happiness.
Understanding these core features can help identify unhealthy behavior and attitudes. Recognizing and addressing codependency is crucial for the emotional health and well-being of the individual, often requiring professional help to learn healthier ways of relating to oneself and others.
How does a codependent person act?
A person with codependency, despite good intentions, often exhibits behaviors and patterns that are ultimately unhelpful or damaging to both themselves and their relationships. Their actions are typically driven by a deep-seated need to care for, please, or rescue others, often at the expense of their own well-being.
Here are some common ways a person experiencing codependency might act:
- Prioritizing others' needs: They frequently put other people's needs before their own, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own health, interests, and responsibilities.
- Difficulty saying no: Some individuals often struggle to set boundaries and say no, fearing rejection or wanting to avoid conflict. This fear can lead them to agree to things detrimental to their well-being or against their better judgment.
- Seeking validation: Their self-esteem may be heavily reliant on the approval and acceptance of others. They might constantly seek validation through their relationships, defining their self-worth by their ability to meet others' needs.
- Fear of abandonment: They often have a pervasive fear of being left alone or abandoned, which drives them to go to great lengths to keep a relationship, even if it's unhealthy.
- Over-responsibility for others: People with codependency frequently believe they are responsible for the happiness and well-being of others. They might feel compelled to solve others' problems or take on their burdens.
- Ignoring personal needs: Some individuals may ignore their own needs, desires, and feelings. They might not even be fully aware of what they need or feel, as their focus is predominantly on others.
- Emotional reactivity: Their emotional state may be heavily influenced by the moods and behaviors of those they are close to. They can be highly reactive to others' emotions and circumstances.
Understanding and acknowledging these behaviors is the first step in addressing codependency. Therapy can be particularly beneficial in helping individuals with codependency learn to value their own needs and build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Why do people become codependent?
Codependency is often a learned behavior that can arise from a range of challenging early life experiences. It is frequently the result of growing up in environments marked by abuse, neglect, or dysfunctional family dynamics.
Here are some key factors which may contribute to the development of codependency:
- Dysfunctional families: Growing up in a dysfunctional family, where emotional needs are consistently unmet or where there is a lack of healthy role models, can lead to codependent behaviors. In such families, children may learn to suppress their needs to maintain family harmony or avoid conflict.
- Abuse or neglect: Experiencing abuse or neglect, including sexual abuse, can have a profound impact on a person's development. Survivors of abuse often develop codependent traits as a means of coping. They might learn to anticipate and meet the needs of the abuser as a way to avoid further abuse or to gain some sense of control in an otherwise unpredictable environment.
- Mental illness: Some mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, can contribute to codependency. For example, someone with low self-esteem may develop codependent tendencies in an attempt to feel needed or valued.
- Relationship with someone in addiction: Being in a close relationship with an addicted person, such as a family member with a chemical dependency, can also lead to codependency. The chaos and unpredictability of addiction can cause family members to take on caretaking roles, focusing excessively on the needs and behaviors of the addicted person, often at the expense of their own well-being.
In each of these scenarios, codependency develops as a coping mechanism — a way to find value, receive validation, or feel a sense of control in an unstable or harmful environment. However, while initially serving a defensive purpose, these patterns can become detrimental in adult life, leading to imbalanced and unhealthy relationships.
Why do I feel so codependent?
If you're experiencing codependency, it's important to understand that this behavior is not a character flaw or something to be ashamed of. This learned behavior can be unlearned with the right support and resources.
Here are some reasons why you may feel dependent on others:
- Unresolved trauma: Past experiences of abuse, neglect, or other traumas can lead to codependent tendencies as a means of coping. These behaviors may have been functional in the past, but they may no longer serve you well as an adult.
- Lack of self-awareness: You may not realize that your relationships and behaviors are driven by codependent patterns. This lack of self-awareness can prevent you from seeking professional help or making changes.
- Unmet emotional needs: Growing up in an environment where your emotional needs were not met can leave you with unaddressed feelings and a need for validation. These feelings can make you more vulnerable to seeking validation through relationships as an adult.
- Fear of abandonment: If you have experienced abandonment or rejection in the past, you may develop codependent tendencies as a way to avoid future abandonment. Your fear of rejection may drive you to put others' needs before your own.
- Lack of healthy boundaries: Without understanding healthy boundaries, you may struggle to set and maintain them in your relationships. This can lead to over-responsibility for others and difficulty saying no.
Changing unhealthy behavior patterns and developing healthier coping mechanisms takes time and effort, but it is possible. With self-awareness, support, and guidance from a mental health professional, you can overcome codependency and build more fulfilling relationships.
Why is codependency bad for mental health?
Codependency is often viewed as unhealthy because it involves a behavioral pattern where a person enables addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement of another person. This dependency can adversely impact an individual's ability to maintain healthy relationships, not only with the person with whom they are codependent but also with other family members, coworkers, and friends.
- Challenges in maintaining relationships: People who exhibit codependent behaviors may prioritize the needs of the person they are dependent upon over their own. This behavior can lead to the neglect of other relationships, as they may devote most of their time and energy to caring for the person they are codependent with. Consequently, their relationships with other family members, friends, and coworkers can suffer.
- Enabling unhealthy behaviors: Individuals showing codependent tendencies may enable or reinforce unhealthy behaviors in the person they depend on. Enabling might mean covering up for their mistakes, taking over their responsibilities, or continually rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. These actions not only prevent the person with codependent behavior from addressing their own issues but also perpetuate the harmful behavior of the other person.
- Loss of self-identity and self-esteem: Codependency often leads to a loss of self-identity and a decrease in self-esteem for the person showing these behaviors. Their sense of worth may become tied to their ability to meet the needs of the other person, leading to a neglect of their own needs and desires.
- Emotional and physical health consequences: The stress associated with being in a codependent relationship can lead to various emotional and physical health problems. People exhibiting codependency might experience anxiety, depression, stress-related illnesses, and burnout due to the ongoing emotional strain.
Addressing codependency typically involves setting healthy boundaries, learning to prioritize one's own needs, and often seeking therapy to address the underlying issues contributing to the codependent behavior. Finding a balance between caring for others and oneself is the key to developing healthier relationships and improving overall well-being.
How do I know if I'm too codependent and should seek treatment or therapy?
If you spend time worrying about someone else's actions or feelings, feel responsible for their happiness or well-being, prioritize their needs over your own, and have difficulty setting boundaries, you may exhibit dependent tendencies. Some other signs to look out for include:
- Difficulty making decisions: People with codependency often struggle to make decisions without seeking approval from others first.
- Inability to communicate openly and honestly: Fear of conflict and rejection can prevent individuals with codependent behaviors from expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly.
- Feeling resentful or angry towards the person you are dependent on: While you may feel guilty for feeling this way, resentment and anger are common emotions in codependent relationships as they often involve one-sided efforts and sacrifices.
- Feeling responsible for others' actions or emotional well-being: People with codependent tendencies often take on the role of caretaker and feel responsible for managing the feelings and behaviors of others.
If you relate to these signs, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who can help you better understand your behavior patterns and develop healthier coping strategies.
Why is codependency a sign of abuse?
Mental Health America explains that codependency is a red flag because it can lead to unhealthy and unbalanced relationships, potentially causing harm to both parties involved. Codependent behaviors often involve enabling and reinforcing negative habits in the other person, leading to a cycle of destructive behavior.
Codependency can also be a sign of underlying issues such as low self-esteem, trauma, or unresolved emotional needs. Without addressing these underlying issues, codependency can continue to harm an individual's mental and emotional well-being.
Furthermore, codependency often involves one-sided relationships where the person exhibiting these behaviors may feel trapped or unable to leave due to fear of abandonment or their own feelings of self-worth being tied to the other person's happiness. The resulting imbalance in the relationship can lead to resentment, anger, and other negative emotions.
What type of personality is codependent?
There is no specific personality type associated with codependency, as it can affect individuals of all backgrounds and personalities. However, certain traits may make a person more susceptible to developing codependent behaviors, such as:
- People-pleasing tendencies: Individuals overly concerned with others' opinions and needs may be more likely to exhibit codependent behaviors. They may prioritize others' needs over their own to gain approval and avoid conflict.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: People who struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships may be more prone to developing codependent behaviors. This can lead to a lack of self-care and an inability to express personal needs.
- Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-worth may seek validation and approval from others, leading to codependent behaviors. They may also feel unworthy of love and rely on the other person for their sense of self-worth.
- History of trauma or neglect: Childhood experiences such as growing up in a dysfunctional family or experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse can contribute to the development of codependent behaviors in adulthood. These experiences may lead to a need for control and a fear of abandonment, making it challenging to form healthy relationships.
It's important to note that these traits do not determine whether someone will develop codependency. Many factors can contribute to developing codependent behaviors, including family dynamics, cultural influences, and individual experiences.
Am I codependent or exhibiting narcissistic behavior?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and codependency are often linked, as individuals with NPD tend to seek out codependent partners who will cater to their needs. However, being codependent does not necessarily mean you are also narcissistic.
Codependency is characterized by a lack of boundaries and an excessive focus on others' needs, while NPD involves an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy towards others. While codependent individuals may exhibit some narcissistic tendencies, they are often driven by a desire to please and gain approval from others rather than the need for power and control.
Are codependents clingy?
Codependency can manifest in clingy behaviors, such as constantly seeking reassurance and approval from others and having a fear of being alone. However, not all people who exhibit codependent tendencies are clingy, and being clingy does not automatically mean someone is codependent.
Clinginess can also be a symptom of other underlying concerns, such as attachment styles or anxiety disorders. Understanding the root cause of these behaviors is essential before labeling oneself or others as dependent or clingy. A mental health professional can help identify the underlying issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
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