De-Escalation Techniques To Defuse Conflicts in Relationships

If you have ever been in a heated argument, you may understand the challenge of reaching a mutually agreeable outcome. Anger and frustration can make it difficult to think and communicate rationally, which may deepen the conflict and result in hurt feelings. However, de-escalation techniques offer a way to defuse conflict, allowing the opportunity to swap perspectives, work through your differences, and problem-solve. 

Here, we’ll focus on how you can use de-escalation techniques to manage difficult conversations with those close to you. We’ll explore the core principles of conflict de-escalation and the communication techniques that can make it possible. With a firm understanding of what it means to defuse conflict and how to do it, you can adopt a solution-oriented approach to even the most challenging conversations. 

Understanding de-escalation

De-escalation is a way to reduce tension in a conversation and minimize the role that emotions often play in arguments. The goal of de-escalation is typically to redirect dialogue in a way that promotes cooperation and problem-solving. De-escalation techniques are often used in professional and institutional settings, however, they can also help individuals learn to manage interpersonal conflict within families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. 

Core principles of de-escalation

The following suggestions are basics you can use as you practice de-escalation in conflict.

Composure

Though you may be upset, you might try to maintain composure. If possible, take a few deep breaths or ask the other person to give you some time to calm down before continuing your discussion. 

Empathy

Often, conflict arises when we do not feel heard and understood. Thus, showing empathy by acknowledging the other person’s point of view can be central to conflict de-escalation. Listening with empathy shows the other person that you understand their perspective. 

Active listening

When engaging in conflict, there may be times when one or both people are “waiting for their turn to speak” instead of genuinely listening to the other person. To effectively de-escalate, consider using active listening to demonstrate that you care enough to listen well, genuinely hear what the other person is communicating , and have a firm understanding of their perspective and intentions.

Nonverbal communication

Open, non-threatening body language can be essential to de-escalation. You might try to maintain a neutral facial expression and stance to help the other party feel comfortable. You may find that sitting down with the other person changes the atmosphere from confrontational to communicative. Eye contact also tends to communicate that you are fully present and engaged with them.

Safety first

In some situations, de-escalating the situation may not be possible, and you might sense an unsafe condition. If you believe that you or others may be in danger, take the necessary steps to ensure safety by disengaging, finding a safe location, and alerting law enforcement.

De-escalation techniques for managing relationship conflict

With these techniques, you can transform conflict into constructive dialogue and potentially reach a place of agreement and understanding. 

Establish clear lines of communication

Often, interpersonal issues stem from a communication breakdown between two people. Miscommunication can make it difficult to understand and relate to each other and may mean certain details get lost in translation. This can be true for text and email communication, though some individuals may find it easier to express themselves in writing. 

When you notice the conversation becoming heated, it can help to acknowledge that there may be an opportunity to take a deep breath and try to prevent the situation from deteriorating. It can be helpful to switch to a different mode of communication, and to take some time to think.

These phrases may help you reset the tone of the dialogue:

• “It seems that this conversation isn’t going in a positive direction. Let’s take a second to think through this together.”
• “I can feel myself getting upset and I’m sensing that you may be too. I need a minute to calm down, then I would like to talk about this constructively.”
• “I want to work through this as a team and find some common ground.”
• “Let me think about this and send you my thoughts in writing later.”
• “I’d prefer to talk about this in person instead of over text. When is a good time for you?”

Active listening and validation

If you have ever been concerned that another person did not fully understand your perspective, you may have felt frustrated or angry. Active listening can be a key component of conflict management as it can help reassure the other person that they are being heard.

To help you gain a well-rounded understanding of the situation and put the other person at ease, you might consider how you can show them they are being heard, validating their thoughts and experiences. Sometimes, this process can help you naturally move towards forgiveness or apology, which research has found to be an antidote to conflict.

Here are some examples of phrases you could use to demonstrate empathy:

• “I can understand why you feel that way.”
• “That’s true—I can see where you’re coming from.”
• “I want to make sure I understand.”
• “So far, I’ve understood you to say…” 
• “Help me understand…”

Ask Questions

Another way to engage constructively is to ask questions. Like active listening, asking open-ended questions can help you better understand the other person’s perspective while also demonstrating that you are interested in their input. These questions can also start a dialogue where you can express your point of view and increase the likelihood that your concerns are understood as well.

Asking questions can help foster a sense of cooperation, making the conversation feel more like an exercise in collaborative reasoning than an argument. Consider asking questions about the conversation itself to ensure everyone is feeling confident about its direction. 

Helpful questions may include:

• “Can you understand why I’m having these thoughts?”
• “Would you mind telling me more about…?
• “Do you have any thoughts about…?”
• “How are you feeling about this?”
• “Where can we go from here?”

Problem-solve

De-escalation often involves two elements of problem-solving. First, it may be necessary to correct the direction of the conversation itself. Then, you may work together to resolve the issue at hand. Together, you and the other person can use this mutual respect and understanding as a foundation on which to solve the larger problem.

You may find it easier to resolve your differences, come to a mutual understanding, or make a plan once the tone of the conversation improves. Working towards solutions can even help you learn how to approach future dialogue and mitigate conflict.

Helpful problem-solving phrases may include:

• “Here’s how I think we can collaborate.”
• “Now that we understand each other, let’s make a plan.”
• “What would you think if we…?”
• “It may be worth thinking about…”
• “Do you have any ideas about…?”

Setting boundaries and limits

Boundaries can offer a way to protect one’s own needs. They can help you and the other person maintain your emotional wellbeing and define your expectations of each other and your relationship. When a boundary is violated, it can erode trust and confidence. Thus, consider communicating your boundaries clearly.

In some cases, it may be necessary to establish or reinforce healthy boundaries. This can involve implementing some limits on the conversation to prevent things from veering in an unhelpful direction. A boundary may be as simple as postponing a conversation until one or both parties have calmed down.

Saying “no” can always be an option. Setting boundaries may also sound like:

• “I’d like to stick to the topic at hand.”
• “I’m uncomfortable having this conversation now and need some time to think.”
• “In order for this conversation to progress, here’s what I need from you.”
• “I would love it if we could agree to…”
• “I can’t agree to that because...”

Therapy to improve communication in relationships

It may take time to learn how to engage in respectful and constructive conversations. A person’s natural instinct may be to act or speak from a place of emotional reactivity. But by learning to problem-solve as a team, you can cultivate deeper, more positive relationships in your life. A therapist can help you improve your communication skills and relate to others more easily. 

Couples experiencing communication challenges may benefit from a relationship counselor, while families might consider entering family therapy to work through any challenges they may be facing. Individual therapy may be a worthwhile consideration for those struggling to navigate conflict on a regular basis. 

Online therapy for communication skills

For those who struggle to communicate effectively, beginning therapy may seem challenging. In those cases, it may feel less stressful to begin therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp, where treatment can be administered through video calls, phone calls, or in-app messaging. Additionally, online platforms may allow you to reach out to your therapist immediately when you are having interpersonal conflicts, and they will respond as soon as they can.

Online therapy offers a chance to connect with a licensed therapist who specializes in types of therapy that are often used for improving interpersonal skills. This may include interventions such as online dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which has been found to be effective for helping individuals learn to relate to others more effectively. In general, online therapy has been found to be just as effective as in-person therapy and tends to be more affordable.