Relationship Anarchy: Understanding These Relationships

Relationship anarchy (RA) is a relatively broad term to describe an approach to relationships that’s focused on avoiding labels and societal constructs. Like political anarchy, it rejects established systems. Individuals who practice RA tend to prioritize autonomy and avoid hierarchies within their connections. 

What is a relationship anarchist?

A relationship anarchist may engage in multiple intimate relationships at once, or they might be romantically and sexually monogamous with one person but avoid prioritizing that connection over their friendships or other relationships. There are many different ways in which a relationship anarchist might organize their social and romantic life, but the key principles of this approach are typically the same. Read on to learn more about the principles of relationship anarchy, plus ways to get support in navigating your own relationships.

How does relationship anarchy work?

The way relationship anarchy works can be hard to define since it’s characterized by a rejection of traditional structures, social norms, and labels. Instead, it’s based on the idea that an individual should be able to dictate the terms and conditions of their relationships based on mutual consent and respect without being constrained by societal expectations. 

The life of one relationship anarchist might look completely different than the life of another—because they could make very different relationship choices and still both accurately call themselves Relationship Anarchy practitioners. Individuals who engage in Relationship Anarchy can have diverse ways of meeting a variety of social needs, from companionship and emotional intimacy to physical intimacy and social partnership.

The nine principles of the relationship anarchy manifesto by Andie Nordgren

It can be easier to understand what Relationship Anarchy is by looking at the individual who coined this term in 2012: Andie Nordgren. Andie’s Relationship Anarchy Manifesto, published on The Anarchist Library website and pulled from Andie’s log, consists of nine central tenets or values, which are as follows.

1. “Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.” Nordgren begins by asserting the expansive human capacity for feeling love of many kinds and stating her belief that it’s unnecessary to categorize, label, or rank one’s various relationships.

2. “Love and respect instead of entitlement.” RA involves compromises done out of love rather than out of expectation or obligation.

3. “Find your core set of relationship values.” The importance of deciding on your own personal set of core values as they pertain to relationships and sticking to them across all your connections is emphasized in this manifesto.

4. “Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.” Each culture and society has its own expectations of how relationships should work, and AR contradicts most of them, so Nordgren encourages relationship anarchists to stay strong in their convictions about how they want to love.

5. “Build for the lovely unexpected.” RA can be thought of as a heart-led system that focuses on satisfying one’s evolving needs and desires rather than acting based on a set of “shoulds” imposed by society.

6. “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Nordgren acknowledges that practicing RA or any other alternative relationship styles can be challenging at times. That’s why she advises sticking to your principles—particularly during hard times—and leaning on the social support of “others who challenge norms.”

7. “Trust is better.” To Nordgren, trust in the context of RA means trusting your partner(s) instead of seeking constant validation, being quick to forgive, and caring for yourself, too.

8. “Change through communication.” Communication is the basis for most types of relationships—especially when those relationships don’t follow traditional scripts. According to the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto: “Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart”—particularly communication that is direct and frequent.

9. “Customize your commitments.” This last point pushes back against the notion that RA means never committing to anyone. Instead, it’s about designing any commitments you choose to fit your own needs and beliefs rather than inheriting them from the dominant culture.

In addition to the short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy, there are various other resources out there for those who want to learn more about Relationship Anarchy. From discussions at the bi-annual Non-Monogamies and Contemporary Intimacies (NMCI) conference to publications in Sociological Research Online to a monographic book on the topic, the conversation about Relationship Anarchy is widespread and ongoing. 

The philosophy behind relationship anarchy

Andie Nordgren approaches the philosophy of relationship anarchy with the intent to build relationships based on mutual respect, consent, and individual autonomy instead of societal norms or hierarchical structures.

Empowerment

One of the driving principles behind Relationship Anarchy is the dream of everyone feeling empowered to choose the relationship style that’s best for them as an individual. So, while Relationship Anarchy can be freeing and fulfilling for some, it may not be suitable for or appealing to others. That said, those who are interested in this broad relationship style may be interested to learn about some of its potential benefits. As long as they're characterized by communication, consent, and mutual understanding, potential benefits of Relationship Anarchy relationships could include the following.

Potential benefits of anarchy in relationships

• Each person is free to define and shape their relationships based on their own needs, desires, and values, which can give relationship anarchists a strong sense of autonomy and self-determination. 
• There are no predefined rules or structures in RA connections, which means they can evolve organically and adapt to the changing needs and circumstances of the individuals involved.
• Individuals are encouraged to directly express their feelings, needs, and boundaries, fostering honesty and transparency. This may result in increased relationship satisfaction and can benefit individuals in other areas of life as well.
• RA embraces various relationship types—such as those with best friends, neighbors, chosen family, or other friends—all without hierarchical distinctions, which can promote a sense of self-worth among participants and enrich the lives of each one.
• RA connections don't involve automatic pushes toward any predetermined path—such as cohabiting, marriage, or having children—which can help reduce the pressure to escalate relationships in ways that may not suit everyone involved.
• Individuals in RA relationships are expected to have a strong sense of personal responsibility, be accountable for their own actions, communicate their needs clearly, and respect the autonomy of others, regardless of gender or sex. 

Relationship anarchy and polyamory 

While relationship anarchy and polyamory (also called consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy) have some similarities and can be practiced simultaneously, they are not the same. Both concepts involve non-traditional relationship approaches, such as having the freedom to be in sexual or romantic relationships with more than one person. However, they may have distinct differences. 

For instance, Relationship Anarchy rejects hierarchical relationships, while many polyamorous people designate a primary partner and secondary partners. In addition, the focus of Relationship Anarchy is its principles: personal autonomy, individual growth, and the freedom to define relationships outside societal norms. While some polyamorous people may also subscribe to these principles, the main focus of this type of lifestyle for many is the freedom to engage romantically and/or sexually with other partners rather than a single person.

One more key potential difference is that boundaries in Relationship Anarchy relationships are usually open to negotiation and adaptable as needed, encouraging partners not to assume rigid roles but rather communicate their ideas and desires openly. Those in polyamorous relationships similarly rely on open communication and clear boundaries among multiple people, but they’re more likely to establish relatively set agreements upfront with all partners involved. 

In addition, relationship anarchy encompasses more than just relationships involving romantic love; instead, it could be applied to relationships with platonic friends, family, and co-workers. It can also be practiced by anyone, from a monogamous person to a person who’s part of the community of poly people.

Again, how a given individual may choose to structure their interpersonal connections all depends on their unique needs, desires, beliefs, and preferences.

Seeking support with relationship values and challenges