Depressed In A Relationship: Understanding And Supporting A Partner With Depression

In a world where mental health issues are increasingly prevalent, for those in a relationship, depression developing in one or both partners is common. If your partner has depression, it can be crucial to receive insights on this condition and how to offer empathetic support. From spotting early signs to dispelling depression myths, there are many ways that individuals can learn to understand the nuanced nature of depression and support a spouse or partner living with a depressive disorder. 

What is depression?

Major depressive disorder (MDD), often referred to as “depression,” is the most common mental health condition in the United States. While peer-reviewed studies published in 2021 state an estimated 21 million adults have experienced a major depressive episode, a more recent survey shows rates of both current and lifetime depression are on the rise. 

According to the same survey, depression affects nearly four in 10 individuals on a global scale. The damaging effects of this mental illness often extend to those who live with or know someone with depression, such as a partner, loved ones, or family members. 

Symptoms of depression

While depression is a complex disorder and there are several depressive disorders, there are various common symptoms among those who experience depression. If the following signs and symptoms occur consistently for a minimum of two weeks, someone may be living with a depressive disorder:  

• Continual feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness
• Thoughts of hopelessness or pessimism
• Irritability, frustration, or restlessness
• Thoughts of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
• Decreased energy, fatigue, or a sense of being slowed down
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty sleeping, waking up early, or oversleeping
• Changes in appetite leading to unplanned weight changes
• Physical symptoms like aches, pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive issues without a clear physical cause
• Thoughts of death or suicide, sometimes leading to suicide attempts 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text 988 to talk to a crisis provider over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support. 988 also provides an online chat for those with an internet connection.

What causes depression? 

Understanding depression and its various causes can be crucial when learning how to best support a depressed partner. While the direct cause of depression continues to be examined, mental health professionals believe various factors contribute to its development, including the following: 

• Brain chemistry: An imbalance in neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and dopamine, is linked to the development of depression.
• Genetics: Individuals with a first-degree relative (biological parent or sibling) affected by depression are more likely to develop the condition compared to the general population. However, depression can still occur without a family history.
• Stressful life events: Challenging experiences like the loss of a loved one, trauma including emotional abuse or intimate partner violence, divorce, isolation, and lack of support can serve as triggers for depression.
• Medical conditions: Chronic pain and ailments like diabetes have been associated with an increased risk of depression.
• Medication: Certain medications may induce depression as a side effect, while substance use, including alcohol, can contribute to or exacerbate existing depression.
• Seasonal changes: Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year, usually during the fall and winter months when there is less natural sunlight. While less common, SAD occurs in some individuals during summertime, as well.

Supporting a partner who’s depressed in a relationship

When making an effort to better understand a partner who is depressed in a relationship, it may be helpful to acknowledge the many myths and misconceptions that tend to surround the legitimacy of depression. While depression does not always have a clear cause, it is not a consequence of “laziness” or “weakness.” As detailed by the factors above, depression is a genuine, biologically rooted illness akin to any other illness. 

It can be equally vital to acknowledge the potentially serious side effects of leaving depression untreated. In some cases, one may develop a substance use disorder, anxiety disorders, and suicidal thoughts. Like other illnesses, there are multiple effective options available for treating depression.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

Recognizing signs of being depressed in a relationship

For married or cohabiting adults, abrupt changes in your partner’s daily routines or conduct could be early indications of depression. For example, you may notice changes in their eating or drinking patterns, increased somber behavior, or a tendency to isolate themselves. 

Additionally, your partner might withdraw from contact with you, immerse themselves in solitary activities, or exhibit certain behaviors such as:

• Expressing frequent sadness or anger
• Demonstrating a lack of energy or interest in activities
• Experiencing difficulty concentrating or focusing
• Sleeping excessively or not enough (generally, adults should get seven hours of sleep) 
• Consuming more alcohol than usual or using drugs
• Losing interest in sexual activities or the emergence of sexual dysfunction

Understanding your partner’s mental health

By gaining a more profound understanding of depression, it can be easier to spot the signs of this mental illness in your partner. Furthermore, by gathering insight into your partner’s experience, you mitigate the risk of misinterpreting signs of depression as a personal rejection. For example, you can see their diminished interest in romance or sex as a symptom instead of a sign they don’t care about you. 

Additionally, by understanding depression, you can respond with empathy, protect your own mental health and emotional well-being, and refrain from interpreting your partner's symptoms as a personal affront.

How to support a partner with depression

When supporting a partner with depression, experts say there are ways to be helpful while prioritizing and maintaining your well-being. For example, you might try the following techniques. 

Be present 

Provide emotional support by expressing your understanding and willingness to assist. Let them know you are there for them, whether offering affection or listening to their feelings. Additionally, you may provide practical help, such as assisting with appointments or daily chores.

Demonstrate your love

Depression often creates thoughts of unworthiness or the sense that one is a burden. By actively and verbally expressing your love to your partner, you may help them counteract these incorrect beliefs. Remind your partner that you understand depression affects their thoughts and behaviors and reassure them of your unwavering support and love. 

Acknowledge your limitations

While you may assist in seeking diagnosis and treatment, recognize that you cannot force someone to get help. If your partner resists seeking outside help, communicate openly and avoid overwhelming yourself with caretaking responsibilities.

Encourage them to seek mental health treatment

When encouraging your partner to seek treatment, it may be helpful to reinforce the notion that seeking help is a positive step and not indicative of weakness. Additionally, you may provide support by exploring treatment options, contacting accessible and available mental health professionals, and attending appointments if requested.

Seek therapy for yourself

When supporting a partner with depression, it can be helpful to address personal frustration or helplessness. Consider seeking individual therapy or group sessions for families and partners of individuals with mental health conditions.

Help with household maintenance

Like other common illnesses, depression may affect a person's ability to manage daily tasks. An efficient way to support a partner with depression is by temporarily assuming some of their responsibilities, such as paying bills, cooking, or cleaning, until they regain their ability to do so.

Prioritize your mental health

Be mindful of the impact of a loved one's depression on your own mental health. If you experience symptoms of depression, seek evaluation and support from a healthcare provider to maintain your well-being.

Support options for people with depression who are in relationships

When facing the challenges of depression, therapy emerges as a crucial resource. For both an individual facing depression or a supportive partner, therapy offers a safe space to explore emotions, comprehend inciting events, and develop effective coping mechanisms. 

The benefits of online therapy for addressing depression in a relationship 

Depression can make it challenging to get out of bed and make appointments. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples may offer accessibility and convenience, allowing individuals to seek help from the comfort of their homes. Online platforms also provide resources like online group sessions and therapeutic worksheets. 

Effectiveness of online therapy for people with depression symptoms

Studies show that online therapy is effective in treating depression. In one meta-analysis of 17 studies on internet interventions for depression, internet therapy was found more effective than in-person options in reducing symptom severity, and online treatment was also more cost-effective in some studies.  

Takeaway

Understanding the diverse symptoms and causes of depression can play a vital role in providing love, understanding, and support to a partner experiencing depression. It can be crucial to understand that depression is a genuine illness, and professional help is not only available but effective for those who take the steps to seek it. 

By prioritizing personal well-being, you may also help your partner manage depression more effectively through empathy and knowledge. For more personalized support for depression, consider reaching out to an individual or couples therapist online or in your area to get started.