Healthy Boundaries: How To Define The Relationship

The early stages of dating can be blissful, but may also be tricky. The feelings you have for the other person are clear, but you might be uncertain or anxious as to where things are heading or how to talk to them about defining the relationship. How do you know when it might be time to define your relationship, and how can you approach that conversation when the moment arrives?

Rather than trying to stick to a pre-planned timeline, it’s typically best to watch for the signs that it may be the right time for you and the person you’re dating to talk about defining the relationship. Below, we’ll discuss why doing so might be important, and we’ll also discuss some signs to look out for that can indicate it might be a good time to have this chat.

Why defining a relationship can be important for creating healthy boundaries

You might not be certain that there’s any need to put a label on your romantic relationship. Isn’t it enough that two individuals are spending time together and want to keep it going? Why is pinning it down in words such a big deal?

It’s true that a casual relationship with no expectation of a committed, long-term partnership can be exactly what some people want. Even if that’s true for you, though, it’s generally a good idea to make sure that the other person feels the same way. Otherwise, you could be setting them up for hurt feelings when they discover you’re not looking for something more. You might also be missing out on the chance to find a partner who’s interested in the same non-monogamous or short-term fling that you might currently be.

What the research says

You may also have more pragmatic reasons for wanting to be clear on your partnership status. Organizing your time can be easier if all couples understand each other's expectations. Planning for the future may be simpler when you have some sense of where things are heading today as well. Plus, knowing whether or not you’re in a monogamous relationship can impact your sexual health decisions. 

When should I define my relationship?

There’s no formula that can tell you when to have the “DTR conversation”—a slang term short for “defining the relationship”. Many popular media sources advise having this talk after two or three months of consistent dating, but firm timelines like that don’t work for everyone. A better approach to defining the relationship may be to pay attention to the natural progress of your relationship and broach the subject when things seem to be getting more intimate or committed.

The "defining the relationship" conversation also doesn’t have to be a one-and-done affair. According to research, frequent positive communication seems to be crucial for maintaining a strong and healthy partnership. Checking in with your partner periodically can be important for ensuring you’re both still happy with how and where the relationship is going. 

This might be the case even if you set clear expectations early on. For instance, maybe you initially told your partner that you weren’t looking for something serious, but now you’re experiencing a growing desire for a long-term partnership. For all you know, they could be feeling the same way—but you might not find that out unless you ask.

You’re spending most of your free time together 

Many couples begin to fall into the pattern of a relationship long before they confirm that they’re in one. Do you see the other person several times a week—sometimes multiple days in a row? Are they the first person you think about calling when you’re planning something fun? Do you regularly update each other on the day-to-day developments of your lives? If so, it might be a good time to define what the relationship might look like moving forward.

You’ve stopped pursuing other people

You might not have taken down your dating apps, but if you’ve stopped swiping or looking for new romantic connections in other ways, it could mean you’re starting to think about your current partner as a possible committed relationship. Even if you’re non-monogamous, you might notice an increase in your focus on this one person. Either way, a decrease in your current desire to pursue other partners right now in general could be a sign to have a more serious talk about the potential future of the relationship with this partner.

You’ve started becoming physically intimate

While not all romantic partnerships have a sexual component, many do. Some have a sexual component from the start, and how soon you begin physical intimacy with a particular person seems to have little impact on partnership quality. However, if sexual contact represents a new step in your relationship, it may be a good time to talk about your level of commitment and exclusivity. Defining the relationship may help you better manage your sexual health as well as avoid miscommunications and hurt feelings.

You’re looking to the future

Maybe you have a big life decision coming up, such as where to look for graduate schools or whether to make a career change. Or perhaps you’ve simply started picturing life a few years down the road and have noticed that you’re imagining your current partner there with you. When contemplating your future, it may be advisable to define whether it might include the person you’re currently dating.

Are you feeling a twinge of jealousy when you think your partner may be flirting with someone else? Are you noticing that they seem to expect a certain level of time with you? Do you feel the desire to introduce them to your friends or family or take a trip together? These can all be signs that it might be time to get more clarity about the parameters of your relationship. 

Having the conversation

Once you’ve figured out that you’re ready to define your relationship, making a few key preparations can help improve the odds of a productive and smooth conversation. Consider the following tips.

Get clear on exactly what you want: What do your goals look like?

There’s often some negotiation involved when you’re working out the parameters of a romantic relationship—so before you initiate the discussion, you might benefit from thinking through your own wants and needs and defining for yourself what a fulfilling relationship looks like. Not everyone sees a relationship the same way, and when you know ahead of time what your “deal-breakers” are versus where you could compromise, it can be much easier to state those boundaries clearly when you sit down to chat with your partner.

Choose a good time 

If possible, try to avoid blurting out your feelings in the heat of an emotional moment. It’s often better to wait until you can have a level-headed talk about what you both want going forward. For example, you might plan your "define the relationship" convo for a moment when you’ll have plenty of alone time to talk without being disturbed. You’ll probably want to avoid scheduling it during a significant romantic activity like a date night out. It’s normal to feel nervous or uncomfortable initiating this conversation. Therefore, an intimate but low-pressure setting like a movie night on the couch or an afternoon stroll in the park might ultimately make you both feel more comfortable.  

You probably don’t want your partner to feel like you’re accusing them of being flaky or ambushing them with demands if they’re not someone who expressed interest in anything serious at the beginning of the relationship. It may help to open the conversation by stressing that you simply want to make sure you understand each other and are on the same page. To this end, you might consider using open-ended prompts like:

• “I like you, and I don’t think I want to date anyone else right now. I’d like to know how you feel.”
• “After thinking about it, I’ve realized I’d like for us to [X], and I’m wondering what you’d think about that.”
• “We haven’t officially talked about whether we’re exclusive, and I think we should have that conversation.”
• “While I love a lot about how we’ve been doing things, I think I’d be happier if we [X], and I wanted to see what you think.” 

Be honest about whether or not you want this

Fear of vulnerability or causing conflict can make it tempting to talk around your actual desires or leave lots of wiggle room when you state your feelings. But relationship experts suggest that speaking your mind openly can be vital to building a stronger, happier relationship. You don’t need to be harsh, but expressing yourself clearly will likely be crucial to finding common ground. After all, agreeing with whatever they want and not being honest about your own needs and desires will eventually result in resentment or conflict in many cases. Respect yourself and your partner and speak your truth into the world.  

Build healthy communication and listen to understand

Hearing out the other person’s desires and expectations during a DTR talk can be as critical as stating your own. Give them space to respond, keeping in mind that they likely haven’t yet gathered their thoughts as carefully as you have. Being patient, avoiding interruptions or knee-jerk responses to their answer, and listening with the intent to understand where they’re coming from can help ensure respectful and productive conversations. Remember, what constitutes a good relationship can look different from one partner to the next. 

As you hear your partner’s feelings, it can be important to take note of your own reaction to what they’re saying. If you feel deeply upset by their description of what they want from the relationship, it may be an indicator that you don’t see eye-to-eye.

Take time to think things over

You might find that you both feel the same way about how to proceed. If not, though, it can be helpful to take some time alone to reflect after the conversation ends. You may decide that you need to stop dating if your vision of the future is different enough from theirs, but it’s usually best to not make that decision right after talking. Often, you’re better off letting strong emotions dissipate and giving yourself time to weigh your options more practically before continuing the discussion later.

Support options

Navigating sensitive questions in a romantic relationship is often nerve-wracking and challenging. You may have more confidence or success if you’ve already put in some work on topics like self-esteem, interpersonal skills, and emotional management. Some of this work can be done on one’s own through practices like journaling, positive self-talk, and mindfulness. However, it’s often even more effective with the support of a trained professional like a counselor.

Online therapy

That said, the process of finding a licensed therapist to meet with can often be exhausting and may involve delays and frustrations. Seeking counseling online is usually a more convenient and efficient process. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, for instance, you can fill out a brief questionnaire and then get matched with a licensed provider accordingly within 48 hours. Research suggests that internet-based therapy and in-person therapy can be equally effective in many cases, so you can typically choose whichever format you prefer.