Deal Breakers In A Relationship: Importance Of Boundaries And Self-Respect

People involved in a romantic relationship together are likely to encounter various challenges that test the strength of their bond. It’s up to each individual to decide when a particular circumstance or behavior crosses their personal boundaries and qualifies as a “deal breaker,” which generally means that the partnership can’t continue. 

Identifying what these types of boundaries look like for you is often crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships. Below, we'll discuss some common red flags and relationship deal breakers to help you identify what yours might be, and then we’ll give tips for how to set healthy boundaries in your interpersonal connections more generally.

Abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, and other common deal breakers in a relationship

Deciding what your own relationship boundaries are is a personal process, but you might find the following list of some of the most common deal breakers helpful. 

Abuse

Though it may seem like a given that any type of abuse should be a universal relationship deal breaker, it isn't always that simple. For example, some people don't recognize the signs of abuse in their relationship until they're already deeply involved in it, and they may not feel like they can leave. Regardless of the reason or situation, abuse—including sexual, financial, emotional, or physical abuse—is never acceptable, and help is available.

Substance misuse

A person’s level of tolerance for their partner’s substance use can vary widely. For instance, someone who is sober may expect their partner to be, so even social drinking or smoking could represent a deal breaker for that individual. In this case, any substance use at all might be a deal-breaker for a short- or long-term relationship. Consistent substance misuse, however, is a common deal breaker for many.

The challenges of substance use disorder in a relationship

While misuse that qualifies as a substance use disorder (previously known as substance abuse) is a mental illness rather than a matter of willpower, as many mistakenly believe, it can still be a deeply challenging circumstance for a romantic relationship since it can lead to a variety of barriers—from emotional distance or anger issues to a lack of trust. Treatment is available for those experiencing substance use challenges and it is possible for a relationship to survive them, but not everyone is able or willing to remain in a partnership characterized by this type of challenge.

Lack of trust

Trust is often considered to be the cornerstone of any healthy and fulfilling relationship. When trust is compromised, it can be challenging to rebuild. Dishonesty, betrayal, or repeated breaches of trust can erode the foundation of a relationship, making it difficult for the partners to feel emotionally stable and connected. If a lack of trust persists over time, it may represent a big deal breaker for some.

Communication breakdown

Effective communication is typically considered vital in order for a relationship to thrive. When an individual struggles to express their own thoughts and feelings and/or fails to listen to and try to understand their partner, it can lead to frustration and resentment. Constant communication breakdowns can create a toxic atmosphere, hindering the relationship's growth.

Misaligned values

The values we learn from our families, the culture we grew up in, and our own explorations and choices shape who we are as people and guide our decisions in life. That’s why same core values are typically such an important part of building a strong foundation for a healthy connection. It can create tension and conflict if partners aren't on the same page about their basic personal beliefs, priorities, or life goals. Addressing these differences early on in a committed relationship is usually essential in determining if finding common ground is possible or if the gap represents a deal breaker that sends you on your separate ways.

Financial disagreements

Poor decisions with money or misaligned goals involving your financial future can cause disarray in relationships. Findings from a survey done in 2023 suggest that roughly one-third of Gen Z and millennial adults report having ended a relationship over arguments about money, and more than 40% said they argue about money with their partner every month.

Making and managing money in a relationship

From the spending habits of the financially irresponsible to career aspirations, behaviors and values related to how we make and manage money can play a large part in whether an individual may choose to go forward with a romantic partner—particularly if cohabitation, marriage, children, or other common financial responsibilities are part of their future goals. 

Lack of emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves a deep connection and a sense of understanding between partners. If one or more individuals in a romantic relationship struggle to open up emotionally, or give the silent treatment rather than resolve conflict, it could eventually create a sense of loneliness and detachment. As a result, one or more partners may feel unfulfilled, disconnected, and devoid of emotional support, which could become grounds for a breakup.

Ongoing unresolved conflicts

Conflict is a natural part of virtually all relationships, but it’s usually crucial for the health of the connection to address and resolve issues constructively. Unresolved conflicts can fester, potentially leading to resentment and a breakdown in communication. If a person realizes their new partner lacks conflict-resolution skills or if the same conflicts continue to arise again and again, it could be a deal breaker.

Infidelity

An infidelity, or cheating, usually represents a significant breach of trust. The impact of infidelity can be profound, potentially affecting the emotional well-being of both partners. While some can overcome the resulting challenges over time and rebuild trust with the help of a relationship counselor, others may find it to be an insurmountable obstacle.

Tips for identifying your own boundaries

People may not always realize what they consider to be their deal breakers in a new relationship until after they're invested in a connection, which can result in the challenge of deciding whether to stay and work on it or move on. However, it’s not always possible to understand all your deal breakers before committing to one partner or more, and a person’s deal breakers can also evolve over time. That said, doing the work to identify your key deal breakers as best you can may be vital to cultivating healthy relationships. No individual or relationship is perfect, but getting familiar with where you draw the line can help set you up for interpersonal success.

Think about your past and your future

To do this, it might help to look back on any previous relationships and think about the factors that contributed to their ending. If there were specific things you argued about regularly, those might be deal breakers for you in future relationships.

Consider the compatibility of your values

If you haven't had any/many past experiences with relationships or prefer not to compare, you might start by thinking about your values and the things that mean the most to you and go from there. Examples could include religious beliefs, whether you want children or not, and basic components of your lifestyle such as where you want to live and whether you want to be monogamous or non-monogamous. 

How to establish your relationship deal-breakers and draw healthy boundaries

Relationship deal breakers can be considered a type of boundary between partners. The American Psychological Association defines a boundary as “a psychological demarcation that defends the integrity of an individual” or that “helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” They’re limits about what you will or won’t do or tolerate that you can communicate to another person. 

Identify which boundaries cannot be crossed

Expecting a relationship where every boundary you set is perfectly followed at all times isn’t generally realistic. However, designating the most important ones as “deal breakers” that indicate the end of a relationship if they occur—such as the experience of abuse—can help you defend yourself. 

Communicate with your partner about your deal breakers in a relationship

Establishing your deal breakers in a relationship as early as possible through open communication about your values and needs is often key to success. You and your partner(s) can also discuss where you might be willing to compromise and where you won’t as well as how you can respect their deal breakers and boundaries. Talking about these topics early and often can help partners get to know each other’s “real you” on a more authentic level, and it can help minimize future miscommunications or conflicts as well. Plus, ignoring gut instincts or red flags you feel strongly about in a partner or relationship can eventually lead to resentment or even contempt—which The Gottman Institute considers one of the “four horsemen” that may signify the imminent end of a relationship. 

Set yourself up to successfully handle issues as they arise

Finally, creating a precedent of talking about boundaries, looking for compromise, and managing conflict in a healthy way can set your relationship up for success later on. Needs, boundaries, and deal breakers can evolve over time, but you and your partner(s) can be better equipped to handle these changes and come to a mutual understanding if you’ve been practicing these constructive strategies along the way.

Building healthy skills and coping techniques in therapy to improve mental health

Recognizing and addressing relationship deal breakers can be an important aspect of nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships. This process usually requires skills like honest communication, self-awareness, and a commitment to mutual growth. It can also be difficult to set boundaries if you have low self-esteem. If you’re looking for support as you engage in self-exploration or work on building positive relationship skills, you might consider connecting with a therapist. 

Effectiveness of online therapy and tackling mental health

In most cases, you can choose between in-person or online therapy, as research suggests the two can offer similar levels of effectiveness. The format you choose typically depends on your preferences. For example, if you have trouble locating a therapist in your area, are looking for a more affordable option than in-office sessions, or simply prefer to engage with a provider from the comfort of home, online therapy may be worth exploring. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with virtually from anywhere you have an internet connection.