Why Do I Dream About My Ex? Here's What These Dreams Might Mean

While dreaming about your ex-partners can be a common occurrence, it can be jarring when a past romantic partner appears in your dreams, especially if you haven’t been consciously thinking about them in your waking hours. You might wonder, "Why do I dream about my ex?" and whether the dream represents repressed feelings, unfinished business, or dissatisfaction with your current partner. How should you interpret a dream about your ex, and how can you navigate the complex emotions it may evoke? Below, explore possible reasons you may be dreaming about your ex, as well as the potential meanings of these dreams.

I had a dream about my ex: Are these dreams normal?

You may feel uneasy when you wake up from a dream about an ex, as many people prefer to put their past relationships behind them and focus on moving forward. For this reason, dreaming of a past partner can seem to be a sign that the past still has a hold on you. However, research indicates that experiencing these dreams may be a common occurrence. In one study of 425 German college students, for instance, approximately 15% of participants reported dreaming about an ex at least once within two weeks. This type of dream may be even more common for those who are currently in a new relationship or experiencing changes in their present life.

In the above survey conducted through an online dating website, it was found that 35% of people currently in a relationship had encountered their ex in their most recent dream. Only about 17% of single people had the same experience. Taken together, these statistics suggest that dreaming about your ex is probably not unusual, even when you’re in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. 

What if I’m dreaming about cheating with my ex?

People may sometimes dream that they’re dating their ex again or engaging in romantic or sexual activities with them. This type of dream can incite negative feelings of guilt and shame if you’re currently dating someone else. You might also be embarrassed if you haven’t fully moved on emotionally from this particular relationship, concerned that this dream may represent backsliding. 

Dreaming of an ex this way doesn’t necessarily mean you have a hidden desire to pull away from your current relationship or that you wish there were the possibility of getting back together with them. It’s possible that your unconscious mind is working through fond memories or even unresolved issues. Exploring the meaning of your dreams can help you make sense of this or any other kind of dream about a former partner.

You might explore your dreams with a mental health professional, by reading books about the subconscious meanings of dreams, or even with a dream analyst. A mental health professional is often the best option, but any of these options may help you identify potential reasons for dreaming of your ex. 

Reasons you may dream about an ex

Dreams are complex mental phenomena that may be affected by a wide range of thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensory impressions. Your dream may not hold significant meaning, or it could serve as a psychological release, inviting you to engage in self-reflection or view the situation with your ex from a different perspective. What you see in dreams depends on various factors, such as your emotional state and real-life experiences. Remain open about the potential meanings of these dreams. Below are common reasons you might be dreaming of an ex and what they might mean for your life.

You’re looking for closure with an ex

When an ex, your ex’s family, or your ex’s friends appear in your dreams, it may indicate that you have unresolved emotions, such as sadness or frustration, associated with what happened in your past relationship. You may be seeking closure and a sense of peace. Paying attention to your interactions with this person in the dream might provide insight into what’s on your mind.

For example, dreaming of arguing or fighting with a long-ago partner may indicate that you're still struggling internally with how to feel about the relationship. Learning to identify patterns in these dreams can help you better understand any strong emotions you felt during the encounter. If you were winning the fight, it may indicate that you're beginning to develop a healthy attitude towards moving on after the breakup. If your ex was winning, there's a chance you believe you were wronged or wounded by how they treated you. Often, relationships that were physically abusive or that put you in real physical danger can take longer to heal from.

You’re trying to understand them

Some people dream that they’re trying to sneak or break into their former partner’s home or look through their belongings. In this scenario, the home or items might represent the other person’s mind. A dream like this, featuring very realistic scenarios, could suggest that you’re trying to figure out what they think and feel about you or the relationship. 

You’re wishing for passion or romance

The content of your dreams may represent feelings or experiences from your past that you’re nostalgic for or that you may wish to experience again. They may also represent lost experiences or items. One example is the common phenomenon of dreaming of the first person you were in a relationship with. This dream can represent the novelty, passion, and excitement of new love, evoking a wonderful feeling.

When your first love pops up in your dream, you may consider whether you’re longing for romance. If you’re single, there’s a chance this dream is indicating that you’re ready to begin looking for a new partner again. If you’re in a relationship, it could be a hint that you want to rekindle the passion. Contrarily, it could represent a fondness and appreciation for the role this experience played in your life.

You’re missing or working through something in your life

The presence of an ex in your dreams may also represent a specific type of experience or feeling that you associate with that person and wish to have more of in your present life. For instance, dreaming about a former partner who was adventurous and spontaneous may suggest that you miss the feeling of excitement in your life and might be indicative of a desire for future relationships to possess those qualities. A dream that recalls a relationship you had while living abroad might point to an urge to travel.

Alternatively, your feelings in the dream may be reflecting how you feel about a particular aspect of your life at present. A fear-filled dream about a forced end with a toxic ex could indicate fear around your current life circumstances being unstable or unpredictable. Feelings of anger in a dream toward a bossy or pushy ex may mean you’re angry at someone you know now who has been behaving similarly.

You’re dealing with trauma from the ex

If you experienced abuse from a former partner, dreaming of them could be a manifestation of lingering trauma. Research by New York researchers suggests that it’s common for survivors to relive traumatic experiences in dreams. When you have a vivid dream about an abusive ex, it could be due to a recent event that triggered an association with that person.

You’re missing the ex

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, theorized that dreams represent urges that are suppressed by the conscious mind. Although contemporary psychologists consider many of Freud’s ideas unreliable, some experiments support the idea that we dream of the things we try not to think about consciously. For example, one study found that participants who were told to suppress intrusive thoughts were more likely to have dreams about those ideas. 

There is a chance that dreaming of an ex might reveal desires you’ve been trying to push away in your waking life. You may be dreaming of your ex because your current relationship incites memories of your old one. You may want to consider whether you’re interested in getting back together with them or whether you have unresolved issues from the relationship to address. You might not act on the impulse to contact them or try to renew your relationship. That said, Loewenberg suggests recognizing any desires that you may have been avoiding and acknowledging them could help you resolve any internal conflicts related to this person.

Why interpret your dreams about exes?

Some readers may be skeptical about whether there’s any benefit in trying to interpret their dreams. However, there is some experimental evidence that reflecting on your dreams can help you become more self-aware. In one test, researchers instructed participants to engage in group discussions about recent dreams. 

The participants found that they gained more useful personal insights from the dream discussions than from analyzing recent events in their waking lives. A 2004 review of psychological literature on the topic also concluded that there is good evidence that dream interpretation could be a useful component of therapy. While this doesn’t mean you have to consult a dream analyst, dreams may be valuable in therapy and self-discovery.

Tips for interpreting dreams

It’s often helpful to consider the entire dream from beginning to end and not take the presence of a particular character, such as a former partner, out of context. Take time to reflect on the emotions you felt in the dream and explore any emotions that may arise as you reflect on it later. Finally, don’t forget the details; those that you don’t consider important at first may end up yielding surprising clues about why you may have had this dream.

Therapy may help you process the breakup

Are you having difficulty understanding why you dreamed about your ex or struggling to process complex feelings about them? Working with a trained therapist could help. A small study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology concluded that most participants reported achieving greater depth, mastery, and insight when analyzing dreams with a therapist rather than on their own. 

Some people find it easier to open up to a therapist over the internet than in person, potentially because virtual sessions allow clients to be more in control of their environment. Alternatively, an online therapist may not live in the same area, which reduces the likelihood of encountering them in everyday life. If you’re embarrassed, conflicted, or nervous about the fact that you’ve been dreaming of your ex, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp might be a helpful option for you. Regardless of the format you choose, a trained therapist can provide a safe space for you to process your emotions and offer support as you navigate decisions about your romantic life and the breakup you’re experiencing. 

Research suggests that engaging in counseling over the internet can be as effective as participating in person. According to a 2016 paper in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, “studies suggest that guided Internet treatments can be as effective as face-to-face treatments” and may lead to sustained improvements. This review also found that online therapy is often a more cost-effective option, which could be helpful for those who face financial barriers to seeking this type of support.