Overcoming Jealousy In A Relationship

Romantic jealousy — the hurt, suspicion, and anger that may arise from the thought of one’s partner with someone else — can be an intensely painful emotion. It may seriously damage the bond a couple shares over time. Learning to overcome jealousy in a relationship can be crucial for any couple wishing to remain happy together over the long term. This is a complex emotion often rooted in feelings of insecurity or low self-worth. It may also come from dissatisfaction with other areas of the relationship. Communicating honestly with your partner and working out healthy boundaries is the most important step in getting back to a place of trust and stability. A licensed mental health professional can help you through this process with online or in-person therapy sessions.

At its core, jealousy is a negative emotional response to the thought (or the reality) of a partner’s romantic involvement with someone else. As many people experience jealousy at times, it is a natural human emotion. However, jealousy can take many forms in romantic relationships.

Another way to classify jealousy may depend on its trigger, and not on the feeling itself.

1. Reactive jealousy can be defined as a direct response to a partner’s actions, arising when a person discovers that their partner has cheated on them.
2. Anxious jealousy usually occurs due to suspicion or worry that a partner might cheat or break your trust.
3. Preventive jealousy can motivate an individual to preemptively discourage a partner from infidelity.

Healthy jealousy can be understandable, depending on the situations. Most people would expect an individual in a committed relationship to feel jealous, hurt, and angry if their partner betrayed their trust. However, all forms of this feeling can sometimes have serious negative consequences, especially if an individual has trouble controlling their emotions.

The negative effects

Jealous feelings can lead to a range of negative outcomes. First is the fact that being jealous of a partner tends to decrease your relationship satisfaction and may lead to unhealthy actions. The more you worry about a partner cheating on you, the harder it can be to enjoy their presence. 

Research suggests that persistent jealous thoughts can also take a personal toll. A jealous individual may be more prone to depression, unhealthy or risky behavior, and overall ill health. 

At the same time, these negative feelings can provoke relationship conflict. A jealous person may make accusations that are not true toward their partner that can spark arguments. If they keep their suspicions to themself, they might become resentful and irritable. In either case, these negative reactions can drive the couple further apart. 

In some cases, intense jealousy leads to controlling, abusive, or violent behavior. Intimate partner violence (IPV) can have strongly associations with this feeling and can manifest in a variety of ways:

• Attempts to look for signs of infidelity, such as reading messages on a partner’s phone without consent
• Being constantly suspicious and questioning a partner's whereabouts and activities
• Controlling a partner’s behavior to keep them away from potential romantic rivals, e.g., forbidding them from spending time with certain friends
• Emotional abuse, for example, berating and denigrating a partner for perceived unfaithfulness
• Physical violence as a form of retaliation for suspected infidelity, such as slapping a partner or destroying their property
• Sexual violence, including forced sexual acts

Many causes may contribute to a romantic partner’s feelings. Part of the explanation may come down to genetic factors. Evolutionary psychologists have argued that jealous feelings may have motivated early humans to guard against infidelity, increasing the chances that their genes are passed on. Studies have estimated that around 29% of the difference in jealousy between individuals might have something to do with genetic variation. 

Personal attitudes toward romance may also play an important role. For instance, people who place a higher value on committed, exclusive relationships may display more jealous feelings. Past relationship experiences of infidelity with a previous partner can also make a person more inclined to not trust their current partner.

Other significant factors can include self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and age. People who do not have a strong sense of self-worth or personal values may be more likely to believe that their partners might cheat. On the other hand, these feelings fade with age, suggesting that the volatile, hormone-driven emotions of youth may contribute to this emotional response. 

In some cases, these feelings stem from dissatisfaction with the relationship. If someone seems to grow emotionally distant or sexually disinterested, their partner might worry that they’re pursuing intimacy with someone else. Frequent conflict could lead to similar suspicions. Feeling neglected, rejected, or insecure may contribute to this possible response. 

Finally, at least in some cases, jealousy can result from a partner’s actions. Certain problematic behaviors can lead to suspicion even from generally trusting people, such as the following:

• Acting heavily flirtatious toward other people
• Violating stated boundaries around closeness with others (for instance, meeting with an ex after you’ve agreed to keep your distance from them)
• Concealing certain social interactions or relationships from your partner
• Overly frequent positive discussion of a friend, co-worker, or other potential romantic rival
• Acting cagey or secretive (for example, going to great lengths to avoid letting your partner see who you’re communicating with on your phone)

Learning to control your feelings and thoughts

Once you’ve recognized that unhealthy jealousy is undermining your relationship, how can you let it go?

Identify the source of jealous feelings

Overcoming these feelings may be easier if you can figure out where it’s coming from. Even if it seems like your primary concern is your partner’s possible infidelity, it may have been spurred by a fear of loss. However, it's important to remember the ways your partner loves you. This affirmation may help alleviate fears and promote a more secure connection.

For instance, if your partner has not been spending as much time with you lately, fear of the loss of their affection may weigh on you. Pinpointing what’s changed in your relationship that’s leading to jealousy might help you avoid getting carried away by suspicion. 

Address it with your partner

It's natural to have felt jealous at some point, especially in a new relationship. What matters is how you respond to these feelings. While jealous feelings can often have negative implications, recognizing and expressing these feelings may help highlight positive traits in a relationship, such as openness and honesty. In many cases, jealousy can motivate partners to reflect on their feelings and work toward a healthier relationship.

Having a calm but honest discussion about what you’re feeling can go a long way toward relieving jealousy. It is important to approach this constructively, explaining that you’re not accusing your partner of infidelity, but you’ve been experiencing some jealous feelings, and you want to talk through them. The right partner won’t respond to feelings of jealousy with judgment or dismissal.

Still, identifying the trigger for your jealousy may help you have a productive conversation about it. This can help you and your partner figure out how to ensure that both parties’ emotional needs are met. 

Set reasonable boundaries in your relationship

Though it is tempting to say that you should trust your partner completely, emotionally healthy couples may need to acknowledge that jealousy is a natural response in some situations. Negotiating healthy boundaries can help you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. They can also make it clear when a jealous partner has crossed the line into controlling behavior.

The right boundaries can look different for each couple, but you may want to decide what your rules as a couple are concerning things like:

• Looking at each other’s electronic devices
• Letting each other know what you’re doing and where you are
• Contact with previous partners
• Flirtatious behavior with other people

Work on your self-worth

Since low self-esteem can contribute to jealousy, increasing your confidence may reduce it. Consider using the potential strategies listed below to feel confident:

• Positive self-talk (giving yourself compliments)
• Reframing negative self-judgments — for instance, when you’re tempted to think of yourself as “bad at something,” try telling yourself that you’re learning and improving
• Acting confident through techniques like assertive postures 
• Pursuing personal interests and creative hobbies
• Spending time with close friends
• Getting regular exercise

Challenge cognitive distortions

Pathological, suspicious jealousy can sometimes result from irrational assumptions or self-defeating ideas. You may want to examine your thoughts for cognitive distortions, such as assuming worst-case scenarios, focusing on negative interpretations of signals, and drawing dramatic conclusions from limited information. 

When you notice yourself doing this, it may be helpful to ask yourself, “Do I really have all the information I need to draw this conclusion? Am I reading something in this that’s not there?”

Practice self-compassion

Another positive trait that can reduce the tendency toward jealousy is self-compassion, which is the ability to forgive yourself for mistakes and imperfections. Greater self-compassion may reduce negative thoughts and fears about being betrayed by your partner.

A common and effective way to build self-compassion is to shift your inner voice. Instead of criticizing and berating yourself for errors, you can try talking to yourself like you would a close friend who’s having a hard time. Mental techniques like loving-kindness meditation may also improve self-compassion. 

Therapy can help you let go of unhealthy jealousy

The advice of a licensed mental health professional is another valuable tool to help you decrease distressing feelings of jealousy. Therapy can often help you nurture self-confidence and trust while learning to communicate effectively with your partner. In addition, a therapist can show you healthy coping skills when mild jealousy, limiting beliefs, or self-esteem issues arise that could hinder a fulfilling relationship. 

For those who are unsure where to start looking for a counselor, or who have found the experience of seeking mental health care frustrating, online therapy is a helpful option. Internet therapy platforms like BetterHelp can help you quickly locate a specialist with both availability and relevant expertise.

Some may be skeptical of Internet-based therapy, but researchers have repeatedly demonstrated its effectiveness. For example, a 2016 study found that cognitive behavioral therapy delivered online typically led to substantial decreases in worry and rumination. Online counseling may be a powerful ally to those who wish to stop dwelling on jealous thoughts.