Explaining love avoidance and its characteristics

Love is often considered a universally desired experience people want and enjoy. However, not everybody may find the concept of a loving relationship appealing. For some, a sense of wanting to avoid love causes significant distress, while others are comfortable remaining distant from most people emotionally. To understand this phenomenon, exploring why some people crave love more than others may be helpful to examine whether it’s healthy not to want to love someone. 

What does love avoidance look like?

There may not be a consistent definition of how a love-avoidant person acts. However, common themes may appear in interpersonal relationships. In the case of love, “avoidance” may refer to the degree of comfort a person has with closeness and emotional intimacy in relationships. Love-avoidant people often find connecting with their partner in intimate relationships challenging. They might shy away from emotional intimacy or distance themselves and their partner significantly. 

Avoidant people often avoid relying on others and may not want others to depend on them. They might be particularly exclusive in their relationships, not wanting others to know much about their emotions. The distancing techniques used by an avoidant person are often harmful to their relationship, as their partners may have a sense they are disregarded by their emotionally distant behavior. Although they may not experience a strong drive to be in a relationship, some avoidant people are social, outgoing, and fun to be around. They may have high self-esteem and take pride in their independence. 

It may also be helpful to examine the “opposite” of the type of person who avoids love. Commonly referred to as a “love addict,” some people experience an intense drive to be in a relationship, sometimes to the point of forgoing healthy boundaries or sacrificing their own well-being. Love addiction isn’t a clinical disorder, but it is a commonly used term to describe someone who has a desperation to be in a relationship. Someone who identifies with this term may experience an intense fear of abandonment, which may drive some of the self-destructive behaviors seen in their relationships. 

Some people avoid romantic relationships because being alone meets their preferences. People who identify as aromantic don’t typically feel romantic attraction. However, they may still experience love. Aromantic is a valid orientation not associated with distress or unhealthy relationship behaviors. Some people who avoid relationships may also not be interested in a relationship at this time in their lives or haven’t found someone they’re interested in, which can also be healthy. 

Explaining love avoidance and addiction through attachment theory

Researchers have spent considerable effort searching for adequate models to describe how humans bond to one another. One prominent model, attachment theory, relates a person’s romantic attachments to their childhood relationship with their parents. 

Attachment theory was initially developed to describe how young children bond with their caregivers. Still, researchers realized that those bonds form the foundation of how that child will bond with romantic partners in adulthood.

When a person is young, their mind focuses on their caregiver to develop a “model” of what safety, security, and closeness look like in interpersonal relationships. Depending on how a person was raised, they may fall within one of four different attachment styles, including the following. 

Avoidant attachment 

An avoidant attachment style is characterized by emotional distance in relationships, a desire for independence, and a tendency to avoid intimacy. People with an avoidant attachment style may have had parents who attended to their physical needs, such as food and shelter but were not in tune with their emotional needs. Their parents may have become distant and reserved when the person reached out for support or reassurance as a young child. 

Anxious attachment 

Anxious attachment is commonly associated with a fear of abandonment, low self-worth, and a preoccupation with a relationship. Those with an anxious attachment style often had parents who were inconsistent in their parenting style. Their parents may have been supportive and responsive at some moments but distant or reserved during others. 

Disorganized attachment 

Disorganized attachment is characterized by features of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Those with a disorganized attachment style might desire love and companionship, but intimacy may scare them when they have it. This attachment style is often considered a mixture of anxious and avoidant traits. People with disorganized attachment may have experienced trauma or abuse during childhood. 

Secure attachment 

Secure attachment is characterized by the absence of the above attachment styles, collectively called insecure attachment styles. In a relationship, a securely attached person can engage emotionally with their partner, spend time alone without distress, and be comfortable giving and receiving support. Those with secure attachment may have been raised by loving, nurturing parents who attended to their physical and emotional needs. 

Attachment, love addicts, and love avoidants

Some correlations between attachment theory and a person’s desire to emotionally connect in a relationship are clear. A person with an avoidant attachment style might become a love-avoidant partner because, as a child, their independence was necessary and protective. 

Contrarily, anxious attachment may correlate to someone who experiences an intense desire to be in a romantic relationship, to the point where it might be casually referred to as “an addiction.” An anxiously attached person may not have had their needs met consistently as a child, and those same patterns can persist into adulthood. 

Those with disorganized attachment may experience the most instability in their romantic relationships out of all the attachment styles. They could simultaneously experience an urge to avoid love but also desire it intensely. They may oscillate between avoidant behaviors and anxious behaviors, such as clinginess or a desire for constant reassurance. 

Other reasons a person might avoid love

While attachment theory provides a convenient framework for describing how and why a person might not be comfortable with intimacy, other factors may also play a role. A person’s past relationships as an adult could shape how they attach and bond to their partner. For example, someone who has experienced abusive relationships may be avoidant or reluctant to engage with a new partner. Their hesitation may not be due to their attachment style or upbringing but rather to traumatic experiences in their romantic past. 

The role of past trauma and abuse can be especially relevant for people addicted to love. Those people - who often have anxious attachment styles – may be more likely to tolerate abusive behavior and less willing to leave the relationship due to their intense desire to remain coupled. As the relationship progresses, people in that situation might start showing anxious and avoidant behaviors, likely in response to the combination of their anxious attachment and their partner’s behavior. 

Other reasons a person might avoid love can include low self-esteem or ongoing mental health challenges. Some people with low self-esteem may believe they are unworthy of love and may avoid engaging in emotional closeness because they do not think it will persist. Others may be challenged by more significant concerns that get in the way of their ability to engage in a relationship, like an ongoing substance abuse challenge. 

Please note that mental health professionals no longer use the term substance abuse. BetterHelp strives to use current terminology to discuss mental health accurately. It can be crucial to use the updated term of substance use to explore this topic. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

How can someone become more accepting of love?

Investigating their attachment style may be a valuable place to start if a person wants to be more emotionally engaged and feel love more readily. They might take an attachment-style quiz to learn more about how they bond with others or start talking about attachment with the people in their lives. 

If you have an insecure attachment style, it doesn’t necessarily mean you will “never be able to bond healthily in a relationship.” A type of secure attachment, earned secure attachment, refers to people who have overcome insecure attachments. Although attachment is deeply rooted in childhood, evidence suggests it can be changed in adulthood. 

Support options 

If you’re struggling with love avoidance, it might be worthwhile to consider working with a therapist. Low self-esteem and mental health concerns can impact a person’s ability to give and receive love and intimacy. A therapist can also help you address attachment issues and potentially identify the cause of insecure attachment. 

If you face barriers to in-person therapy, such as nervousness, financial challenges, or distance, you might also try online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. Online therapy can be attended from home and may offer a greater selection of practitioners than is available in someone’s local area. In addition, online platforms often offer resources like journaling prompts, worksheets, and group sessions. 

Online therapists have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists and use the same evidence-based techniques, like attachment-based psychotherapy. In recent years, online therapy has experienced a sharp increase in the number of users. Research concurrently increased to determine if online therapy works as well as face-to-face therapy. The current evidence agrees with the opinion of most mental health professionals that online therapy is as effective as in-person therapy, if not more. 

Takeaway

Some people may find it difficult to engage emotionally with a romantic partner, and some desire it so much that it seems like an addiction. It is possible that attachment theory could explain some of how avoidance of love works. Those with insecure attachment styles may respond to relationships by introducing distance or becoming “clingy.” 

Some people experience both an intense desire for love and the greatest fear of receiving it. It can be possible to adjust attachment styles in adulthood. Other reasons for avoiding love might include an adverse relationship history, low self-esteem, or mental health concerns. If you’re struggling with your avoidance of love, consider contacting a licensed therapist online or in your area for compassionate support and guidance.