How To Stop Loving A Person You Can’t Have

Many people can identify with the intense feelings that come with wanting to be in a romantic relationship with someone but not being able to. This could be because the person is already in a monogamous relationship with someone else, doesn’t feel the same way, lives too far away, or is fundamentally incompatible with them somehow. Whatever the reason, this situation can be painful and sometimes difficult to move past.

Matters of the heart don’t always follow the rules of logic. You may feel like someone would be the perfect partner for you and discover that they don’t feel the same. Even if you know, without a doubt, that a relationship between you and a love interest may feel impossible because they don’t have the same feelings, it can be hard for your deep emotions to align with that truth at first. If you’re having trouble with a situation like this, there are a few strategies you can try to focus on your self-growth and move on.

Moving on

Here are some helpful tips to help you move on and find happiness.

1. Grieve what was lost and find a friend or family member for support

The University of Washington Counseling Center says that grieving is important because “it allows us to ‘free-up’ energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience—so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere.” This description fits the experience of grieving the loss of a relationship you wanted to have quite accurately. Understanding a complicated emotion like grief may be difficult, and understanding that a relationship with this particular person is impossible means accepting that your hopes, dreams, and expectations for what it could have been must be laid to rest. It’s a form of loss, and grieving is a process that often accompanies loss. It can feel all-encompassing and challenging to get through, but it may be necessary. As you grieve, you might turn to a support system of friends and family members.

As the quote above reminds us, grief can describe the process of letting go of one thing to make room for another. It’s rare that feelings disappear overnight, and you’ll want to give yourself time and space to feel your feelings—especially since research suggests that avoiding negative emotions can actually prolong the grieving process. Remind yourself, though, that it's possible that the situation is actually in your best interest, and you may be able to get something incredibly valuable out of it. By releasing the desire and energy you had wrapped up in the idea of what a relationship with that person could be like, you won’t stay stuck on the idea you’ll end up together. This can make room for something new and perhaps even more remarkable in your own life.

2. Monitor self-talk

The way you speak to yourself, also known as your internal monologue or self-talk, can have the ability to help you or take you to a dark place, depending on its tone. When you’re feeling hopeless or down about not being able to love the person you want, having self-awareness concerning how you talk to yourself may have the power to help you feel better. One pattern to watch out for, especially in a time like this, is a cognitive distortion called overgeneralization, which can be harmful to your mental health. According to Harvard Health, cognitive distortions are “internal mental filters or biases that increase our misery, fuel our anxiety, and make us feel bad about ourselves.” Specifically, overgeneralization is when we falsely predict the outcome of a future relationship or situation based on how one situation went. It’s sometimes referred to as “taking a button and sewing a vest on it.”

In the case of wanting or being in love with someone you can’t have, this may take the form of a thought that says, “They’re the only person for me, and I’ll never find anyone else I love this much.” Try to recognize that this is the distortion talking and see behind the emotionally charged thought to the truth of the love. Others have been in the same situation, and there are billions of people in the world; none of us know who we’ll meet or even who we’ll become moving forward. We can be compatible with many different types of people in many different ways, and experiencing unrequited love does not mean that we’ll never find another person we love deeply. Distorted thoughts are powerful, but recognizing when they appear can help you stand up to them and acknowledge them as untrue.

3. Build up self-confidence

Some people interpret their inability to have a relationship with the person they love as a reflection of themselves. More overgeneralization can ensue, such as “I’ll never find someone who cares for me” or “I’ll never get over my love for this person.” In many cases like this, love fades, and building confidence and practicing self care can help you get out of a negative cycle. Once you’re able to realize just how much you have to offer, it may be easier to see how you have the potential to eventually enter into a new relationship with someone who appreciates who you are and chooses you.

A therapist can also help you learn strategies for building or rebuilding confidence in yourself after experiencing unrequited love to prepare you for relationships filled with love. See point five on this list to learn more about how a mental health professional can be useful to someone who is experiencing the unnecessary pain of being in love with someone they can’t have.

4. Pursue healthy distractions

When you come to terms with the fact that you can’t have a relationship with the person you want, the emotions you feel usually aren’t too dissimilar from those people experience after a breakup. That means that the classic post-breakup advice can apply here, too. While research shows that reflecting on a breakup may help speed up the healing process and enable you to let go of your feelings of love to find a new potential partner, ruminating on an event like this for too long may harm your well-being. 

Once you’ve allowed yourself to spend time mourning the loss, try taking action to enrich your life in new ways. Put yourself out there to form new social connections of all kinds, like by joining a book club, a sports league, or by volunteering. Pick up hobbies, learn healthy coping skills, rekindle a past relationship with family members and other friends, and focus on filling your life with new and interesting experiences. These are all positive ways to show yourself that you can feel fulfilled and connected without the right partner. Unreciprocated love can be challenging, and healing often takes time, but don’t give up. It can be possible to stop being in love with this person, move on with your life, and experience happiness and fulfillment.

Work through unrequited love with therapy

Some people choose to look for professional help through the guidance of a therapist to work through their own experiences. Someone like a family therapist can help you unpack your attachment to this person and guide you toward strategies for working through those feelings regarding being in love with someone you can’t. If there’s an underlying cause that’s making this emotional turmoil more difficult for you, such as depression or anxiety (or other mental health conditions, which you should try not to refer to as “mental health issues”), they can assist you in identifying tools to manage or improve your symptoms.