How To Stop Loving A Person You Can’t Have

Desiring a romantic relationship with someone but being unable to have one is a common experience. For example, the person might already be in a monogamous relationship with someone else, doesn’t feel the same way, lives too far away, or may be fundamentally incompatible with you in some way. Whatever the reason, this situation can be painful and challenging to overcome.

Matters of the heart don’t always follow the rules of logic. You may believe someone would be the perfect partner for you, only to discover that they don’t feel the same way. Even if you know, without a doubt, that a relationship between you and a love interest cannot exist because they don’t share the same feelings, it can be hard for your deep emotions to align with that truth at first. If you’re having trouble with such a situation, there are a few strategies you can try to focus on your self-growth and move on.

Moving on

Are you wondering how to get over someone you never dated? Unrequited love or an ambiguous romantic relationship can be complicated and might elicit just as strong feelings as official relationships. It may be helpful to have people you can potentially turn to for emotional support and practical help when you're going through a tough time. Below are several tips to help you move on and find happiness.

1. Grieve what was lost and find a friend or family member for support

The University of Washington Counseling Center states that grieving is essential, allowing individuals to release energy connected to the lost person, object, or experience, so that they might reinvest that energy elsewhere. This description may accurately capture the experience of grieving the loss of a relationship you had wanted to have, as well.  

Understanding a complex emotion like grief can be challenging. When grieving, you may work to accept that a relationship with this particular person is impossible, which can also mean accepting that your hopes, dreams, and expectations for what it could have been must be laid to rest. Choosing to let go can seem like a form of loss that may seem all-encompassing and challenging to navigate. However, you’re not alone. Turning to friends and family may be helpful during this time. 

Grief can be described as the process of letting go of one reality to make room for another. Feelings rarely disappear overnight, so give yourself time and space to feel your feelings, as research suggests that avoiding negative emotions may prolong the grieving process. Remind yourself that this situation may teach you many lessons about yourself and love. By releasing the desire and energy you had wrapped up in the idea of what a relationship with that person could be like, you won’t stay stuck on the idea that you’ll end up together. Acceptance may help you make room for someone who does feel the same, even if you don’t want someone else right now.

2. Monitor your self-talk

The way you speak to yourself, also known as your internal monologue or self-talk, can have the power to either help you or lead you down a dark path, depending on its tone. When experiencing hopeless thoughts or feeling down about not being able to love the person you want, having self-awareness concerning how you talk to yourself may have the power to help you feel better. One pattern to watch out for, especially in a time like this, is a cognitive distortion called overgeneralization, which can be harmful to your mental health. According to Harvard Health, cognitive distortions are internal mental filters or biases that increase misery, fuel anxiety, and make people think unkind thoughts about themselves. Specifically, overgeneralization occurs when individuals falsely predict the outcome of a future relationship or situation based on the result of a previous problem. This challenge is also sometimes referred to as “taking a button and sewing a vest on it.”

In the case of wanting or being in love with someone you can’t have, you might have a thought that says, “They’re the only person for me, and I’ll never find anyone else I love this much.” Try to recognize that this thought is a distortion and see behind the emotionally charged thought to the truth of love. Others have been in the same situation, and there are billions of people in the world. Most people don’t know who they’ll meet or become in the future. You may be compatible with many different types of people in many different ways, and experiencing unrequited love does not necessarily mean you’ll never find another person you love deeply. Consider your past relationships. Did you ever think your ex was the only person for you? Many people change their minds throughout life. Distorted thoughts are powerful, but recognizing when they appear may help you stand up to them and acknowledge them as untrue.

3. Build your self-confidence

Some people interpret their inability to have a relationship with the person they love as a reflection of themselves. More overgeneralization can ensue, such as “I’ll never find someone who cares for me” or “I’ll never get over my love for this person.” In many cases like this, love fades, and building confidence and practicing self care can help you get out of a negative cycle. Once you’re able to realize just how much you have to offer, it may be easier to see how you have the potential to eventually enter into a new relationship with someone who appreciates who you are and chooses you.

A therapist can also help you learn strategies for building or rebuilding confidence in yourself after experiencing unrequited love to prepare you for relationships filled with love. See point five on this list to learn more about how a mental health professional can be useful to someone who is experiencing the unnecessary pain of being in love with someone they can’t have.

4. Pursue healthy distractions

When you come to terms with not being able to have a relationship with the person you want, the emotions you feel may not be dissimilar from those people experience after a breakup. For that reason, classic post-breakup advice may be helpful for coping with these feelings, as well. While research shows that reflecting on a breakup may speed up the healing process and help you let go of your feelings of love to find a new potential partner, ruminating on an event like this for too long may harm your well-being. 

Once you’ve allowed yourself to spend time mourning the loss, try taking action to enrich your life in new ways. Put yourself out there to form new social connections of all kinds, like by joining a book club, a sports league, or by volunteering. Pick up hobbies, learn healthy coping skills, rekindle a past relationship with family members and other friends, and focus on filling your life with new and interesting experiences. These are all positive ways to show yourself that you can feel fulfilled and connected without the right partner. Unreciprocated love can be challenging, and healing often takes time, but don’t give up. It can be possible to stop being in love with this person, move on with your life, and experience happiness and fulfillment.

Work through unrequited love with therapy

Some people choose to look for professional help through the guidance of a therapist to work through their own experiences. Someone like a family therapist can help you unpack your attachment to this person and guide you toward strategies for working through those feelings regarding being in love with someone you can’t have. If there’s an underlying cause that’s making this emotional turmoil more difficult for you, such as depression or anxiety (or other mental health conditions, which you should try not to refer to as “mental health issues”), they can assist you in identifying tools to manage or improve your symptoms. 

Some people find online therapy more effective than in-person options. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a mental health professional with whom you can speak remotely. Online therapy is often more cost-effective and can connect you with a wider range of therapists. In addition, given that research suggests that online therapy offers similar benefits to in-person options, you may consider expanding your search for a therapist to include virtual providers.