Five signs of an unequal relationship

Many people consider healthy relationships to be based on an equal exchange of love, compassion, kindness, and support. In contrast, many perceive an unbalanced relationship as unsustainable. Without an equivalent give and take, resentment may be likely to develop. A relationship imbalance can negatively affect a partner’s satisfaction and may eventually introduce relationship issues. 

An unequal relationship can likely be improved, but it usually requires effort from both partners to do so. If one partner is uninterested in making the relationship equal, it can indicate that they are not invested in the relationship, and it may be worthwhile to consider whether to continue it. However, if both partners are willing to commit to equalizing the relationship, they may find that they can achieve renewed harmony and cooperation. A licensed couples therapist can aid in this process through in-person or online sessions. 

How do I know if my relationship is imbalanced? 

In general, every couple finds balance in their relationship differently. Imbalances are typically due to a lack of compromise between two partners. One person may have unrealistic expectations about their partner’s role, or they may have poorly conceived notions of a healthy relationship. Their partner might feel used or unable to communicate their boundaries and needs. 

Whatever the case, the most significant sign of a lack of balance in a relationship may be perceiving that roles are unequal. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the actual details of the relationship are. If you believe your partner isn’t contributing as much as you, it can be important to discuss the issue before resentment develops. Relationships can be inherently unequal at times, and the most important factor may be whether you and your partner can communicate effectively and address the issue. 

Other common signs of imbalance in a relationship are listed below.

You handle all the arrangements

When a relationship is one-sided, one person often ends up handling much of the relationship’s mental load. That might include making appointments, managing schedules, transporting children, planning meals, and other common relationship tasks. You might believe that nothing would get done if you didn’t put in your regular effort or that you are constantly treating your partner like a child, trying to get them to help. 

You’re not involved in decision-making

You might carry most of the mental load in the relationship or be left out of decisions entirely. If your partner insists on making significant decisions by themselves, it may mean you are not in an equal relationship. If you willingly defer to your partner’s decisions, that’s not likely to be a problem, but if you want a voice in major decisions and don’t have one, resentment can be likely to develop. 

Your interactions with your partner are unfulfilling

Maybe your partner’s life always comes first, or you cannot come to them for emotional support. Perhaps your partner frequently leans on you to bolster their own well-being while refusing to provide the same to you. It can be important that your partner meets your emotional needs for your relationship to thrive. If they are unwilling or unable to support you emotionally, bring happiness to the relationship, or grow together with you, the relationship may be unequal. 

You do all the communicating

Healthy communication is typically considered essential to happy, healthy relationships. If you’re constantly struggling to get your partner to communicate, they may not be invested in the relationship or willing to adopt mutual respect. They may also find communication challenging or shy away from discussing difficult topics to avoid conflict. Whatever the reason, an equal relationship should generally have open, honest, and empathetic communication. If you’re constantly chasing your partner to get them to talk to you, your relationship is likely not equal. 

You have different material contributions

If you’re constantly paying bills, buying groceries, or otherwise funding the relationship without contribution from your partner, your relationship might be unequal. You don’t need to have an exact 50/50 split, but there should usually be a compromise on which both partners agree. For example, many couples contribute financial resources proportional to their income. If one person makes significantly more than the other, they may cover a proportionally higher amount of bills and other expenses. This type of arrangement may technically be unequal, but both partners can agree on what a fair contribution is from each of them. If you and your partner don’t have such an arrangement, but you are still paying for more than them, resentment may build. 

How do imbalances develop?

Sometimes, it can be easy to point fingers and assign blame when a relationship is unequal. While it may be tempting to label partners who contribute less as lazy or unloving, other factors may be involved. Some of the factors that can contribute to imbalances in relationships are listed below.

Communication difficulties

You and your partner may have different communication styles, which could make it difficult to assert yourself proactively. Your partner might shy away from challenging conversations, hide their emotions, or otherwise avoid engaging in an open, honest conversation. While communication can be essential, it is not an inherent ability for many, but rather, a skill that must be developed. Many did not grow up in households that prioritized communication and might feel insecure or anxious when discussing deep topics. 

Your partner’s attachment style may also play a role. People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style tend to avoid any sign of conflict and may become distressed if a conversation appears confrontational. Different styles of communication or attachment might lead to significant imbalances in the relationship over time. You may not believe your partner wants to listen, and your partner might perceive that they cannot express their concerns freely. 

Different ideas about roles in a relationship

You and your partner may not have had a thorough discussion about relationship expectations, which may have led to differences in your understanding of how balance in a relationship works. For example, one person might think it is their primary role to generate an income and their partner’s responsibility to maintain a clean home and manage childcare. While that arrangement may work for many, it may not be compatible with others’ visions of what their relationships should look like. If you find yourself pigeonholed into roles you don’t want, it’s possible that your partner has drastically different expectations than you. 

Mismatched feelings about the relationship

Your partner may not take an equal role in the relationship because they are not equally invested in it. In some cases, relationships can have an imbalance in the amount of love each partner feels. It’s possible you are deeply in love, but their feelings are not as strong. Unrequited love, in addition to being emotionally challenging to manage, can lead to one person carrying much more of the load than their partner to keep the relationship moving. 

How can I fix a relationship imbalance?

The first thing you may wish to consider is whether the relationship is worth saving. If your partner is willing to apply dedicated effort and commit to honest change, it can be possible to improve your relationship. 

Things like communication issues, trouble setting boundaries, or a lack of other relationship skills can often contribute to a relationship that is not equal. Those skills can likely be obtained through time and effort. However, if your partner doesn’t seem to value your love, won’t engage in any type of communication, or blames you entirely for the imbalance, it is possible that the relationship may no longer be viable. 

If you and your partner are both willing to commit to improving the relationship, you may want to consider meeting with a couples therapist. Couples therapy is generally considered to be an evidence-based, effective way to address relationship concerns. You don’t necessarily need to have severe problems to access couples therapy. In fact, evidence suggests that the earlier you go, the more success you may be likely to see. Overall, more than 70% of couples typically report substantial improvement in their relationships following therapy. 

Benefits of online therapy

You might also want to consider online therapy, either for couples therapy or to address individual concerns. You can meet with an online therapist without leaving home. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Online therapy seems to have undergone a surge in users over the last few years, prompting researchers to conduct investigations to ensure that it is as effective as face-to-face therapy. The results of that research generally align with the perceptions of mental health practitioners. In most cases, online couples therapy is just as effective as traditional in-office couples therapy. 

Takeaway

A relationship not based on equality can create resentment and hurt feelings, as well as introduce instability. You might find that your relationship is unequal if you don’t have an equal say to your partner, are forced to carry more weight than them, don’t feel emotionally validated, or contribute to bills and purchases more than your partner. Many factors can contribute to inequality in a relationship, but some of the most common may be problems with communication, differing expectations, or unrequited love. In many instances, couples counseling can equalize the relationship, and individuals can participate in therapy sessions in person or online.