Identifying Gaslighting In A Romantic Relationship

Conflict can be normal in some healthy relationships. Although it may be challenging, conflicts can often be resolved with communication and empathy. In some cases, however, conflict in a relationship can signify a more serious issue. For example, when one uses psychological tactics to manipulate and control their partner, it may be a sign of abuse using methods like gaslighting in a relationship.  

One such tactic is called gaslighting— the term gaslighting originates from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" set in Angel Street in London, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she is mentally unstable by tampering with the gas lights in their home while she's alone. In the play, he eventually convinces her that she's imagining the lighting changes, and she cannot trust her memories or perception of reality. 

Within the context of romantic relationships, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one partner repeatedly tries to make the other doubt their own thoughts, feelings, or perceptions. It can have many consequences, including persistent self-doubt, problems with self-esteem, isolation, and codependency, among others. It decreases relationship satisfaction and eventually, gaslighting may lead to mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

New research published in peer-reviewed studies shows that people gaslight to avoid accountability, and out of a desire to control others. It can be a common tactic used by individuals with certain personality disorders to gain a feeling of control or superiority. 

Identifying relationship gaslighting

Gaslighting can manifest in several forms. However, the warning signs may be difficult to identify. People who engage in gaslighting others, whether purposefully or not, may do so subtly at first. If the tactic is successful, and the abuser finds they can manipulate their partner, the gaslighting may become a more frequent and unmistakable pattern of behavior. 

Gaslighting in a relationship is often stereotyped as being associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but gaslighting can occur in various contexts and is not limited to individuals with any specific mental health diagnosis.

Below are examples of gaslighting techniques in a relationship. 

The gaslighter may deny situations ever happened or avoid responsibility for their own behavior, making the other individual question their memory. For instance, a gaslighter may tell their partner: "That's not how it happened," or "You're getting your facts mixed up."

Using gaslighting techniques may distort facts, manipulate events, or blatantly lie to make the other person doubt their version of events. They may say statements like: "I never said I wouldn't date other people” or “You heard what you wanted to hear." People who live with gaslighters often feel confused or end up second guessing themselves. They may find themselves spending time apologizing for things that they aren’t responsible for. 

Gaslighters may withhold information to make their partner unsure or question their own judgment. For example, they might not remind them of details they remember to try to keep their partner from figuring out their manipulation. 

Gaslighters may isolate the individual from friends and family to increase control and gain power. A gaslighter may also gain control over aspects of their life by making important decisions concerning them without their input.

Gaslighting can be challenging to overcome, especially when one has been exposed to the manipulative behavior for an extended period in a romantic relationship. 

If you believe you're probably wrong about most topics, you're "overly sensitive" because you're "irrational" or "crazy," and you think you can't function in daily life without your partner, you might have been impacted by gaslighting. Below are strategies for addressing gaslighting in relationships and safeguarding your mental health.

Remain calm

Gaslighting in relationships often provokes strong emotions like frustration, rage, despair, fear, and worry. While these emotions are valid, try to avoid showing a reaction to the gaslighter. This technique is called “grey rocking” and is often recommended for survivors of abuse. 

Someone gaslighting you may not back down, which can intensify your distress. Staying calm and controlled may allow you to stay focused on your perspective and cultivate more confidence in your own judgment. Below are tips for staying calm while being gaslighted: 

Gather proof of gaslighting

• Use your phone to record conversations that happen between you and your partner.
• Write down direct quotes from your discussions.
• Write down as much detail about your conversations as possible, including times, dates, and locations.
• Save or take a screenshot of emails and text exchanges.
• Take photos of places or objects that might support your recollection.

Address the behavior

Some gaslighters may rely on the assumption that the person they target won't have the confidence to speak up. When you've had a chance to emotionally reset (if you are safe doing so), calmly and confidently set boundaries and call out their behavior. You might make statements like the following: 

• “My feelings aren't open for debate; this is how I feel.” 
• “My boundaries aren't open for discussion.”
• “I'd like to revisit this conversation when we've both had a chance to cool off.” 
• “I can see you and I have different perspectives on this, but I'm not imagining things.”
• “Can we disagree without you trying to belittle me?”
• “I understand you're angry, and so am I, but shouting isn't necessary.”
• “I'm uncomfortable continuing this conversation if you're going to call me names and insult me.”
• “I get that you think you're "only joking"— explain to me what you meant by your ‘joke.’”
• “I've decided this is my best course of action.” 
• “We both have strong feelings about this, but there's no point in continuing the conversation if we can't get anywhere with it.” 
• “I'm not interested in spending any more energy defending my perspective to you. We'll revisit the conversation when you can give me the benefit of the doubt.” 

Stay confident 

If experiencing gaslighting in your relationships impacts your confidence and self-esteem, reaching out for support from friends and family members may be helpful. Prioritize your well-being and practice self-care by engaging in activities you enjoy or have always wanted to try. Learning a new skill can be a way to strengthen your self-esteem after experiencing gaslighting. 

In addition, focus on your physical health by getting plenty of quality sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in regular physical activity. Strengthen your mental health by journaling, practicing mindfulness, and seeking guidance from a professional therapist. 

Recognizing and understanding the tactics that emotional abusers use can be the first step toward cultivating coping mechanisms against them. While it can be difficult to realize it’s happening, if you see signs of gaslighting in your relationship, educate yourself about how gaslighting works through high quality sources and content accurate in information, and acknowledge the significance of self-awareness and resilience when navigating the challenges of gaslighting.

Psychotherapeutic techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may help you identify and reframe harmful thoughts that often accompany gaslighting in relationships— allowing you to confront them and move forward confidently. CBT is also effective for identifying codependent relationships, as well as offering trauma intervention and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a condition some emotional abuse survivors experience.