What Is Gaslighting In Relationships?

The term “gaslighting” has gone from being an obscure reference used mainly in forums for abuse survivors to a household term. It is now so common that the Merriam-Webster dictionary publishing company chose it as their 2022 Word of the Year, as they saw a 1740% increase in lookups of the term over a 12-month period. Because of its popularity, however, the word’s exact definition has become muddled. What exactly does gaslighting in a relationship look like — and what should you do if gaslighting is affecting you?

Gaslighting is a feature of some abusive relationships in which a controlling individual continually undermines the other person’s confidence in their own judgment. This can help the gaslighter gain power over their partner and avoid having their hurtful behaviors confronted.

Below, you can learn that gaslighting is a form of manipulation that constitutes emotional abuse, and once you learn what gaslighting is, you can respond accordingly in order to defend yourself.

What is gaslighting in a relationship?

While gaslighting can occur in many different situations, it is most commonly discussed in the context of abusive romantic relationships. Gaslighting is generally understood as a type of manipulation that aims to convince an individual who’s experiencing gaslighting that their own thoughts, perceptions, and judgments are unreliable. The dominating partner typically uses gaslighting to prevent the other person from identifying the harmful, coercive nature of the relationship. This can make it easier for the gaslighter to remain in control.

Tactics the gaslighter might use

Gaslighting may not always involve direct attempts to make a person doubt their mental health. The gaslighter might also suggest that the other person:

• Has a faulty memory.
• Is prone to wild exaggerations.
• Has a warped perspective due to negative emotions like jealousy, selfishness, or self-pity.
• Is overly sensitive.

When this is successful, it enables gaslighters to avoid any challenges to their cruel or harmful patterns of behavior because they can claim that the other person is offering a distorted, inaccurate version of events. Alternatively, they may say that their intentions were misunderstood, the gaslit survivor has misremembered things, or their innocent actions were misinterpreted. 

The effects of gaslighting in a relationship

Gaslighting can make it harder for the target of the abuse to recognize the toxic aspects of their partner’s behavior, advocate for themselves, and seek help for the relationship. In addition, people who have experienced gaslighting in romantic relationships often report that the experience damaged their mental health and well-being in several ways, including:

• A decreased sense of self-worth
• Depression
• Damaged relationships with others
• Self-doubt
• Difficulty socializing or pursuing new relationships

As such, gaslighting can be considered a form of emotional abuse as well as a tactic used to cover up other abusive behaviors.

The potential signs of gaslighting in a relationship

Since gaslighting relies on convincing you that you can’t trust yourself to know what is real, learning to spot the early warning signs may be the best way to safeguard yourself from it in a relationship. Here are a few common indicators that your partner might be trying to gaslight you.

Your memories don’t match up

Have you noticed that your recollections of past events differ in key ways from how your partner describes them? This can be a sign of gaslighting, especially if the differences in their accounts consistently make their actions seem better than they actually were. 

For instance, if you recall having an argument in which they ended up shouting at you until you gave in, a gaslighting partner might describe the same event by saying, “We talked it out and in the end, you agreed with me.” By insisting that you’re remembering things wrong, they may be seeking to convince you that your memories are unreliable by gaslighting you, and making you question your own reality. 

Reality feels distorted

People who have experienced gaslighting in a relationship often report that it made their lives feel “surreal,” as though they were inside a nightmare or a movie. When you think about your interactions with a gaslighting partner, you may feel like they took place inside an alternate reality where the rules were different from those of ordinary life. 

Your partner dismisses or downplays your feelings

A gaslighting partner may treat your emotions in the relationship as unimportant, ignoring your attempts to tell them that they’ve made you feel bad. They may dismiss these conversations by saying that you’re not being objective or rational, implying that your feelings aren’t valid and making you feel worse. Alternatively, they might accuse you of being overly emotional or faking your emotional reactions as a way to manipulate them during a power struggle and garner sympathy. 

They insult your cognitive capabilities 

Gaslighting behaviors frequently involve verbal abuse such as belittling comments and outright insults, often aimed at someone’s intellectual abilities or mental health. For example, the gaslighter may describe their partner as:

• “Crazy”
• “Irrational”
• “Stupid”
• “Paranoid”
• “Irresponsible”
• “Too sensitive”
• “Emotional”

When insults like these are repeated over and over, the person being gaslit may come to internalize the image of themselves as deeply flawed or incompetent. 

Note also that insults in gaslighting relationships are often intertwined with bigoted attitudes. For instance, women may be described using misogynistic slurs, told that their “hormones are making them irrational,” or otherwise attacked on a gendered basis. Gaslighting in a relationship can often be a form of targeted insults using outdated stereotypes.

Everything seems to be your fault

When things go wrong in your relationship, does it seem like you’re always the one who gets blamed? People who use gaslighting often seek to twist things around to portray themselves as the ones being victimized or hurt. You might notice that you continually apologize, or that you end up comforting them, even after arguments in which they viciously insulted, intimidated, or attacked you. Often the person who is gaslighting in a romantic relationship is adept at making the victim feel guilty, and you may learn to doubt what your own feelings are. 

Your mental health becomes affected

People in unhealthy relationships commonly feel a persistent sense that something is wrong, even if gaslighting has made it hard for them to identify exactly what it is. Do you often experience dread, uncertainty, and confusion when you think about your partner or your relationship but feel unsure as to why that is? Do you doubt your own memory when it comes to past bad behavior of your partner? Is your relationship satisfaction low, despite what others think it is? It can be critical to trust your instincts in cases like these, as you may be experiencing gaslighting in your relationship. 

Other signs of abuse in a relationship

Research suggests that gaslighting frequently goes hand in hand with other features of abusive relationships. If you’re wondering whether to take your partner’s word or trust your own judgment, you may want to look out for other problematic features of their behavior, such as:

• Love bombing. This is another manipulation tactic in which abusers attempt to overwhelm their partners with exaggerated expressions of affection, especially early in a relationship. 
• Unpredictability. A gaslighting partner can seem erratic, often jumping quickly between different types of extreme emotion. They could be loving and affectionate one day and cold and distant the next, or they might show up in and disappear from the victim’s life without warning or explanation.
• Isolation from support networks. An abuser may try to separate you from your friends and family members. They might insist that “It’s me or them” or try to convince you that a family member or other loved one secretly dislikes you or doesn’t have your best interests at heart. 
• A self-centered outlook. The abuser may be callous and self-absorbed, prone to manipulation, and eager to display an exaggerated image of their own competence and importance. In some cases, this can also be a sign of a personality disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder. 

How to respond to gaslighting

When you notice behavior that seems like gaslighting, the best response is often to challenge it directly and assertively. Rather than accepting your partner’s narrative of events, you can explain calmly that you remember things differently and you’re not interested in arguing about it. If they tell you that you’re being “irrational” or “emotional,” you might push back, saying that those descriptions are insulting and invalidating. If they say that you’re being “overly sensitive,” you can explain that your feelings are real and need to be addressed. You might also need to set firm boundaries about insults and belittling remarks in your relationship. Make it clear that you won’t accept attacks on your judgment or character, even if they’re framed as “jokes.”

These strategies may help shut down gaslighting if your partner has picked up negative patterns of behavior but ultimately has good intentions. However, if they’re deliberately trying to exert power over you through abusive behaviors or have deep-seated, bigoted beliefs, they may not respect the boundaries you’re setting. If your partner persists in gaslighting you, it is often a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. You may need to leave the relationship for the sake of your well-being.

Therapy can help with gaslighting in your relationship

Rebuilding your self-esteem and addressing other mental health issues following gaslighting in a relationship is often easier with help from a therapist or clinical psychologist. Whether you’re trying to leave your abuser or are recovering from the emotional damage a former partner has inflicted, mental health care might be a vital source of support. 

If your circumstances make it difficult to seek out a counselor in person, online therapy can be a more convenient way to connect with an experienced mental health professional. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched and then meet with a licensed therapist from anywhere you have an internet connection.

Although internet-delivered therapy is relatively new, a growing body of evidence suggests that it can provide significant relief for people who have been impacted by trauma or abuse in relationships. For example, a 2019 research review suggests that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be beneficial for those living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a common illness in people who have experienced intimate partner abuse. Internet therapy can also assist with self-esteem, confidence, emotion control, and other aspects of mental health.