Hitting The Wall: How To Recognize Deal Breakers In Relationships

You may hear this type of language often: “Did you see those shoes they were wearing? That’s a total deal breaker for me!” The term “deal breaker” is typically used in light conversation to refer to petty annoyances. What can be more difficult is applying this term in a way that is useful to safeguarding yourself in a relationship. 

In this article, we discuss what the term deal breaker means in a relationship, including common ones, and how you can determine what behaviors or traits are true deal breakers for you. 

What is a deal breaker? 

Deal breaker often refers to a behavior that one partner in a relationship cannot (or should not) tolerate or accept. Hence, the term refers to “breaking the deal” (relationship). They can be characteristics, values, or behaviors that you as a person do not want to have in your relationship. As human beings are unique with their own specific set of expectations, deal breakers can run the gambit of the seemingly petty, to serious problems such as abusive behavior. 

Deal breakers are not always necessarily something that is “wrong” or “bad” in the other person. They are traits or actions that disqualify a person from the role of a partner or dating prospect. For example, someone with misophonic tendencies may decide to end a relationship because their partner chews loudly. Neither party is wrong in this case, there is simply a mismatch of preference and habit. 

On the other hand, behaviors that are not in the cultural norm and are common deal breakers for most, may not be deal breakers for certain people. There are couples who both enjoy an open relationship and may both be fine with the other partner dating other people. Even though this would be a deal breaker for many, if they communicate their preferences to each other and come to an agreement, this would not be a deal breaker for them. 

How do I know if a behavior is a deal breaker?

While they may be unique for each person, deal breakers are often highly personal and important to honor. There are relationship deal breakers that may be more universal, such as mental or physical abuse. However, many deal breakers are anything that you define as undesirable or incompatible in another person. Sometimes, this incompatibility may be external, such as the presence of a family member in your lives with whom you are unable to get along.

Deal breakers can vary between situations as well, so taking the time to work through your deal breakers is often worthy of your attention. You may meet a person with whom you are so compatible that a minor issue that would send you running from another person is tolerable with them. Or you might discover that the other person is willing to work on improving the behavior or trait you find unacceptable. Finding a balance between personal dislikes and true deal breakers is important, giving you the opportunity to practice flexibility and open-mindedness to your relationships. 

Asking yourself some questions about behaviors that bother you in another person can help determine which are true deal breakers and which are negotiable. Consider the following:

• If this behavior never changes, can I still be happy in this relationship?
• Is my partner sincere in their willingness to change this behavior, and are they taking steps to improve versus simply making promises?
• Does this behavior cause a visceral reaction, or is it just personally annoying?
• Is this behavior harmful?
• Does your partner have a belief or belief system that is incompatible with your own?

Your own personal line in the sand can vary, and that is normal. If the behavior or beliefs are not harmful, you may want to consider your reaction carefully. Nonetheless, you are under no obligation to push through negative feelings because you are afraid they are too petty. Knowing and setting boundaries is a sign of your willingness to honor who you are and what you define as central needs and desires in your relationships.

Some common deal breakers in relationships

Another current study surveyed college students determining general deal breakers for both short- and long-term relationships. The survey revealed the following six red flags that were commonly defined as deal breakers:

• Poor hygiene
• Substance use or other addictive behaviors
• Promiscuous
• Unambitious or unmotivated
• Overly clingy
• Apathetic

Some serious concerns can also be considered deal breakers or red flags (i.e., behaviors and habits that are universally agreed to be avoided to preserve mental health) such as substance abuse or mental or physical abuse.

Therapy for creating boundaries

A healthy relationship is often built on open, honest, and frequent communication. Understanding and communicating behaviors, attributes, or habits that are personal deal breakers may help you to avoid major problems with a potential partner. Therapy can be a constructive way to learn more about yourself and can also help you learn communication skills that are essential for enforcing boundaries. This internal work can increase your chances of starting on the same page with potential romantic partners as you learn your own boundaries and needs in a relationship.

Discussing your current relationships or future needs in a relationship can feel challenging with a new person – whether that person is a potential partner or a therapist. In those cases, it may feel easier to open up with a therapist from the comfort of your own home. With online therapy, you can meet with a therapist virtually over video, phone call, or in-app messaging. This format paired with being in a space you already feel comfortable can make starting therapy feel less intimidating right away.

Research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy. A 2017 study compared internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) to face-to-face options and found ICBT to produce similar levels of symptom reduction for various conditions as well as better cost-effectiveness.