What To Do When You Can't Get Over Someone

Parting ways with someone you have a romantic relationship with can be hard, and it can take time to get over someone; it’s normal to have lingering feelings for a former partner, even if you know that the breakup was for the best in the long run. You may feel that you still have a strong connection with your ex partner, in addition to fond memories of your time together and a variety of mementos that remind you of your partnership. With so many things potentially tying you to your former partner, it can be hard to distance yourself from them and properly grieve the relationship and begin the healing process. If you’re having trouble getting over an ex or moving on from an unrequited crush, there are several useful strategies available to help you navigate your feelings and take the next step toward a happy, fulfilling life and future.

How to get over your ex

Getting over a former partner after going your own way can happen when you take time to evaluate the relationship objectively, work through your feelings, and focus on yourself and your new life. While moving on from a meaningful relationship may still feel difficult, the following tips can be helpful to navigate your emotions, take your mind off your ex, and eventually find closure.

Avoid over-romanticizing the past relationship

When we think about or discuss past relationships, we sometimes emphasize the good times we experienced while minimizing the reality of the conflicts or concerns. Romanticizing a former relationship can be counterproductive, potentially keeping you from moving forward from the breakup. You might find yourself focusing on happy moments, but not thinking about times of conflict or issues you experienced. When this happens, it can be easy to feel like you’ve made a mistake, or as though you’d be better off if you were still with your ex. 

While it’s okay to remember the good times, acknowledging the truth about the challenges you experienced in your relationship—problems with communication, trust, compatibility, etc.—may provide you with closure and help you properly grieve the relationship. Try to be honest about what really happened and remain balanced as you look back on your time with your ex, and you may find that your feelings for them begin to change. 

Limit reminders of the relationship

It can be hard to move on from an ex when you frequently encounter mementos of your relationship. Consider minimizing that pain by putting things that remind you of your former partner—such as photographs or gifts—out of sight, if not forever, then only temporarily. In addition to stashing certain items away, you can return to your ex anything that belongs to them. If you’re sure you don’t want certain reminders of your ex anymore, you can donate or sell them; but you may want to avoid hastily giving away things that are special or valuable to you. 

You may also want to mute or unfollow your ex on social media platforms. Keeping up with your former partner’s life can ensure they remain top of mind and make getting over them more difficult. It’s possible that you and your ex will be friends again at some point, but try to give yourself space as you work through your feelings. 

It may also help to have a plan in place for what you will do should you get the urge to text your ex or if you start thinking about reaching out through social media. When you begin to wonder what your ex is up to, is there a friend you can call instead? Can you get out of the house and do something to distract yourself? It can be much easier to move on when you aren’t tempted to contact your former partner as often.   

Stay social

Steps to Get Over Someone You Can't Forget

Being alone might make it easier for you to ruminate on your relationship, and feelings of loneliness may cause you to miss spending time with your ex. 

To avoid prolonged periods of solitude, try to ease yourself into social situations. Although you may feel uncomfortable socializing without your former partner at first, interacting with friends and family can feel good, helps take your mind off your breakup, and connect you with your support system. Plus, knowing that you have a satisfying social life outside of your romantic relationship may help your self-esteem in the short and long-term, allowing you to feel more confident as a newly single person. In addition to spending time with loved ones, consider joining a club based on your interests or volunteering with an organization you support. It may feel hard initially, but socializing after your breakup can be an enjoyable and healthy way of getting over your ex. 

Avoid starting another relationship immediately

It may be tempting to try to find a new partner when you’re missing your ex, but entering into a new relationship soon after your last one ended—known as a rebound relationship— can be problematic. If you haven’t fully worked through your emotions, you may not be able to form a healthy bond with a new romantic partner, and you could miss out on an opportunity to focus on your own self-improvement and healing. Taking some time to be single allows you to evaluate your past relationship and work through your emotions without putting your attention on a potential new partner. Once you’ve moved on from your last relationship, you’ll have the opportunity to apply what you learned to a new one. 

Practice self-care

After a breakup, you’ll often have some extra time to focus on yourself. Using this time to develop a daily self-care routine can help you take your mind off your ex and create normalcy in your new life. Practicing self-care can include eating a balanced diet, exercising, indulging in fun pastimes, and engaging in other activities that enrich your life and improve your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. 

You can use the period of time after your breakup to explore hobbies you might not have been able to participate in when you were in a relationship. Maybe you can develop your sense of self by learning a new skill, starting a side hustle you didn’t have time for before, or traveling to places your ex wasn’t interested in visiting.

Talk through your emotions 

It’s important to remember that you do not have to go through a breakup alone. Even though you may be wary of discussing your ex, telling your story and working through your feelings with a friend, family member, or mental health professional can help you move on. They may have a perspective on the relationship you hadn’t considered or advice that helps you cope with what you’re feeling. Or they can simply provide you with support as you grieve the loss of your relationship. Keeping your feelings inside may contribute to your inability to move on from your ex, so don’t be afraid to use others as an outlet when you need to express your emotions.  

Try processing a breakup with online therapy

An increasingly large body of evidence points to online therapy as an effective form of treatment for people experiencing mental health-related concerns like those often associated with loneliness or sadness after a breakup. In one study, researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was effective in improving loneliness. Additionally, the study notes that online CBT improved social anxiety symptoms and overall quality of life. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely used modality that helps individuals identify and replace negative thought patterns in their lives, such as those that might make it difficult to move on from a former partner. 

If you have lingering feelings for an ex, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. An online therapy platform like BetterHelp can match you with a therapist based on your needs and preferences. BetterHelp has a team of mental health professionals with diverse specialties and areas of expertise, so you’ll have the opportunity every week to connect with a provider who can help you manage your specific concerns related to a breakup or a similar challenge. Read below for reviews of BetterHelp therapists from those who have experienced similar concerns.