How To Get The Chemistry Back In Your Romantic Relationship

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW

Updated November 22, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Relationships often undergo transformations, and the initial chemistry that once defined them can sometimes fade over time. This is often particularly noticeable in the realm of physical intimacy and sexual or romantic chemistry, where couples may grapple with experiencing a loss of passion. While this can be disheartening, it's a common issue among couples with identifiable causes.

According to the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, within 9 to 18 months, “87 percent of couples lose that knee-quaking excitement they felt when they first fell madly in love.” Many couples do find a way to rekindle their passion, though.

In this article, we'll explore the common factors that may cause changes in your relationship and review reviving the chemistry in a relationship.

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Don't let the spark fade

Rekindle your romance in therapy

What is chemistry in a relationship? Romantic chemistry and sexual chemistry in relationships

The term "chemistry" in a relationship is commonly used to describe the intangible connection between individuals in romantic relationships that makes them feel drawn to each other, and is sometimes used to refer to physical attraction. You may have heard common phrases from friends, family, or media such as "they have great chemistry.” While some may think of it as sexual, it generally extends beyond the realm of mere sexual attraction to other parts of a romantic relationship. Chemistry with your partner tends to be strongest and most passionate in the beginning with the excitement of new feelings, and the intensity of feelings usually fluctuates throughout the course of a relationship.

Why the chemistry in a relationship can fade

While initial attraction may be fueled by strong sexual chemistry, the sustainability of a long-term relationship typically relies more on compatibility. Relationships often kick off with what's commonly known as the "honeymoon phase.” This period, typically characterized by an exhilarating rush of emotions, lust, and attraction, can extend for weeks, months, or even years in a relationship.

During this initial phase, the flood of dopamine, often referred to as the pleasure hormone, typically contributes significantly to the physical and emotional sensations experienced. As the relationship progresses into subsequent stages, the intensity of the honeymoon phase tends to wane. Throughout a long-term relationship, the intimacy aspect, like any other aspect of a relationship, may experience fluctuations influenced by factors such as a busy work life, illness, the presence of children, or family stress. For example, spending too much time at work may create emotional distance, just as being locked in a power struggle may make the couple not want to be vulnerable or intimate together.

The eventual conclusion of the honeymoon phase tends to be a natural progression, not inherently negative, but it can lead to a perceived loss of attraction. Several factors can contribute to this decline, including the impact of everyday stressors, such as work, children, and household responsibilities.

Sometimes, loss of attraction or chemistry can also be a result of relationship issues. Relationship issues and challenges like sexual dysfunction, poor communication, or an unhealthy relationship dynamic can further contribute to the fading of chemistry over time. Understanding the biological and external factors at play can become crucial in addressing and potentially rekindling the chemistry in a relationship that may have diminished.

Despite these challenges, it may help to remember that the loss of attraction is often reversible and falling in love with your partner again is possible. There are numerous ways to rekindle and build chemistry in a relationship, emphasizing the importance of understanding and addressing the underlying causes to reignite the connection between partners. Even once those initial strong feelings have faded, it is possible to discover a deeper connection moving forward.

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How to get the chemistry back in a relationship

Chemistry in a relationship typically goes beyond the initial allure; chemistry involves navigating the complexities of a relationship to maintain a deep and meaningful connection over time. The Gottman Institute, known for its research-based approaches to relationship therapy, provides valuable insights and tips to reignite passion in marriage or relationship.

The following are 10 tips from the Gottman Institute on getting chemistry back offer guidance directly from the renowned institute:

1. Change your approach to initiating intimacy

You might first consider whether you might be rejecting your relationship partner or approaching them too forcefully about intimacy. It may help to focus your attention on mutual respect and avoid blaming each other for lack of interest. You might also introduce variety to overcome challenges with chemistry or intimacy. For instance, those who tend to initiate sex might pause and express their partner's allure in subtle ways. Those who tend to distance themselves may benefit from initiating intimacy more frequently, while pursuers can express their partner's allure in subtle ways, avoiding criticism and demands for intimacy. These tips can not only make your relationship partner more receptive to sexual intimacy, but may also lead to great sex.

2. Engage in hand-holding

Studies indicate that engaging in hand-holding, hugging, and physical touch can release oxytocin, which research suggests is also released during sexual climax. Furthermore, physical affection diminishes stress hormones, thereby reducing daily cortisol levels. While seemingly simple, if you hold hands with your partner, you can become more attracted to them. Other small gestures like eye contact can also help to build chemistry or restore a connection to your partner.

3. Allow anticipation to build

The human brain tends to derive greater pleasure when the anticipation of a reward persists before its reception. With this in mind, you might take your time during foreplay, look into your partner’s eyes, share fantasies, change settings, go slowly with foreplay, and infuse more romance into your sexual encounters.

4. Separate sex life from regular routine

It may help to schedule intimate time and refrain from discussing relationship concerns and household duties in the bedroom. Sexual arousal can decline in the face of stress and distraction. Avoid talking about anything unrelated to sex or intimacy in your relationship during this time, such as dwelling in the past or focusing on current worry.

5. Dedicate time to your relationship partner

You might consider exploring a range of different enjoyable activities in your relationship. This may help you to rediscover the joy of dating and employ flirting to reignite sexual chemistry and intimacy. Dr. Gottman emphasizes that "everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Create space for shared interests, talk about how you are feeling or how your day was, and simply enjoy spending time together.

6. Prioritize physical touch

Consider ways to increase physical contact, such as by offering your partner a shoulder rub. While foreplay is commonly associated with sexual intercourse, affectionate touch can be a potent way to express and revive chemistry, even for individuals not inclined toward physical affection. You might go slowly if your relationship partner generally doesn’t like to be touched and always be sure to act respectfully and not to cross any boundaries.

7. Prioritize intimacy in your relationship

One way to prioritize intimacy in your relationship is to create the right atmosphere for intimacy before other activities diminish chemistry. For example, a romantic meal and your favorite music might set the stage for a fulfilling sexual experience. A light meal might be recommended if you expect to do sexual activities shortly after.

8. Increased vulnerability during intimacy

To practice more vulnerability, you might take a walk down memory lane and open up about your favorite moments together, as well as your strongest emotions, fantasies, and desires with your relationship partner. If emotional intimacy is a concern, consider individual or relationship therapy.

9. Sustain curiosity about sexual intimacy

You may find it helpful to experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other give pleasure to your partner, as well as ways to receive pleasure yourself. It may help to view sex as an opportunity to continually understand your partner better.

10. Diversify the intimacy

Throughout a relationship, you may experience various types of intimacy, from slow, gentle sex, to loving-tender, intimate, and highly intense erotic encounters. It may help to break away from routine and explore new aspects of intimacy as your sexual needs evolve. Even for those less inclined towards physical touch, increasing both physical affection and emotional connection may contribute to maintaining a profound and meaningful bond.

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Don't let the spark fade

Rekindle your romance in therapy

How therapy can get the chemistry back in a relationship

In many cases, therapy plays a crucial role in rekindling relationship chemistry by providing a safe space for open discussions on challenging topics like sexual issues and intimacy. Whether through couples or individual therapy, therapists often facilitate conversations that might otherwise be difficult.

If you don’t have time for traditional in-person therapy, you might consider online therapy. If you decide to pursue help as a couple, you can try online relationship therapy at Regain. If you prefer to explore your concerns individually, you can connect to an online therapist at BetterHelp. With both platforms, you can communicate with a therapist in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by audio, video, or live chat. You can also contact your therapist in between sessions through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can.

Numerous studies have demonstrated that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy.

Beyond communication, therapists help assess if the relationship has lost its chemistry or if unhealthy dynamics are at play. It's important to recognize that not all relationship issues have straightforward solutions, and therapists guide individuals and couples in understanding when walking away might be necessary, especially in cases of poor communication or signs of abuse in the relationship.

Additionally, online therapy with a partner offers a comfortable setting to address sensitive issues collaboratively. Overall, therapy Online therapy may help address the challenges that lead to loss of chemistry and offer personalized ways to overcome underlying or related issues with intimacy.

Takeaway

While it's common for relationships to lose their spark, the issue is both common and couples find a way to rekindle their chemistry. Along with honesty and mutual respect, Talking openly with your partner and making a shared effort to enhance intimacy may be crucial help significantly with reconnecting. If you're struggling in bringing back the chemistry in your relationship, couples therapy may serve as a valuable resource. If you’d like to discuss your concerns about intimacy one-on-one, you might consider individual therapy. With BetterHelp, you can be matched with a therapist who has experience helping people explore intimacy and any other concerns you may be facing. Take the first step toward getting support with intimacy and reach out to BetterHelp today. Overall, the keys to rekindling love involve communicating and working together to rekindle your spark.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

How do you bring back the chemistry in a romantic relationship?

Depending on the reason the chemistry in your relationship has decreased, there are many ways you can reignite desire. Intimacy exercises, fairly dividing household chores, taking time out of your schedule for dates, and prioritizing the relationship are a few ways to reconnect with your partner. However, if you’re struggling significantly with your mental health in this connection or nothing is helping you foster intimacy, you might try seeing a sex therapist.

A therapist can guide you through ways to reignite the sexual or physical chemistry you once felt. In long-term relationships, work dulls routines, and it can be challenging to see your partner in the exciting way you once did. Therapy is one way to try something new and get your connection back, as well as a therapeutic and neutral environment to discuss concerns.

What to do when you lose chemistry and physical attraction?

If you lose chemistry or attraction in your relationship, you might start by acknowledging this fact to yourself. Then, you can decide whether you’d like to work toward rebuilding this attraction with your partner by addressing the core causes or whether you’re not interested in continuing the relationship. Often, a drop in attraction naturally occurs as time passes in a relationship. However, if you feel repulsed by your partner or have lost your libido completely, you might consider whether other factors might be at play. Talking to a sex therapist is one way to understand the causes of a loss of chemistry and potentially remedy this challenge.

Can you fall in love with someone you don't have chemistry with?

Yes, it is possible to fall in love with someone you don’t have chemistry with, as physical connection is not necessarily a factor in every relationship. Love is a mixture of chemical processes in the brain, such as the release of dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals can be released by any pleasurable activity or sensation, not only sexual attraction.

Many people fall in love with someone romantically but don’t experience sexual attraction to them. These people might identify as asexual or on the asexual spectrum. In addition, you can love someone and be sexually attracted to them but not experience chemistry or find the physical affection to be lacking. In these cases, you might consider sex therapy to improve the sexual connection between you.

What does lack of chemistry feel like?

A lack of chemistry can feel different for different people. However, you might notice that physical affection is awkward between you and your partner or that you no longer or never did experience sexual attraction to them. If you aren’t sexually satisfied, this may also be a sign of a lack of chemistry, even if you’re attracted to the individual. Often, a lack of chemistry has a cause, but some people may also find that they no longer wish to be in their relationship when chemistry fades. There are many valid reasons to leave a relationship or want to work through these challenges, but each relationship is unique. Talking to a therapist may be helpful in figuring out where you’d like to go from here.

Can you rebuild attraction in a relationship?

Yes, it is possible to rebuild attraction in a relationship. Often, attraction disappears for a reason, whether the individuals have been in a relationship for a long time, are arguing frequently, or aren’t having a satisfying sex life. Regardless of the cause, communication, hard work, and intimacy exercises may be helpful for rebuilding attraction. For some, a lack of attraction occurs when other needs aren’t met in the relationship, such as the need to feel loved, cared for, and safe. When basic needs are met, someone may feel safer engaging in sexual or physical activities with their partner. If you’re unsure the cause of your loss of attraction, talking to a therapist may be helpful, whether a couples therapist or individual counselor.

Should you stay in a relationship with no spark?

You can choose to stay in a relationship with no spark. However, if you choose to do so, the lack of connection may not change without doing work on the relationship. However, 70% of couples who attend couples therapy report therapy being effective for their issues, so couples therapy may be a solution if you’re not ready to give up. A therapist can help you find a way to reignite the spark with your partner if you are both willing to do the work to connect and communicate healthily. It is also normal and healthy to leave a relationship if you have tried everything and no longer have the desire to make it work.

Can love feelings survive on physical chemistry, eye contact, and physical intimacy alone?

Love is not only determined by physical intimacy and chemistry. Many people fall in love with a person for emotional connection, communication, humor, and personality. If there is no emotional connection or a relationship has lost healthy communication, physical touch might not be enough to keep love alive. However, there are ways to rekindle healthy patterns that have been lost with time or difficult moments. Talking to a couples therapist is one way to learn to keep love and intimacy alive simultaneously.

Can chemistry come later in a relationship?

Some people don’t experience an intense spark with someone initially. If you don’t experience chemistry right away but really like the person, you might give yourself some time to see if it develops. Not everyone experiences attraction or passion at the same time as others. However, a complete lack of chemistry for a few months or more might be a sign that you’re not compatible as more than friends or romantic partners, which can be normal, too.

Can you be just friends with someone you have chemistry with without it harming your mental health?

Being just friends with someone you have sexual chemistry with is possible, and many people have casual relationships where they only have sexual but not romantic connections with friends. However, if you’re trying to be friends with someone you’re attracted to who doesn’t feel the same or you’d prefer to be in a relationship but your friend is not interested, continuing to be friends might be emotionally painful for you. Talking to an individual therapist may be helpful to process how you feel about this person.

How do you know if your relationship is beyond repair?

If both people are willing to work on a relationship, feelings are mutual, and there is no abuse in a relationship, there may be a chance to work on challenges. Couples therapy can be helpful for many couples facing a variety of challenges. However, you might consider walking away from a relationship if you experience the following:

You or your partner no longer love each other
You resent your partner immensely
You or your partner has cheated and neither of you are able to work toward a genuine apology and trust
One partner is monogamous and the other is not and a compromise cannot be made
You’re experiencing any form of abuse, whether emotional, mental, physical, sexual, financial, or spiritual
You have completely different values
One partner wants kids but the other doesn’t
You argue daily
One or both partners is no longer sexually attracted to the other or there is a mismatched libido in the relationship that has persisted without change

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