How To Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend: Tips for Moving On
The end of a romantic relationship may be a distressing time for many. While the breakup could have been the healthiest choice for you and your former boyfriend, you might be left wondering how to get over someone fast.
Even if you were the one to initiate the split, you may have lingering feelings for your ex and seek support to move on from the relationship. Everyone deals with breakups differently. For instance, the length of the relationship, the intensity of your feelings, the healthiness of the relationship, how many breakups you’ve experienced, the level of agreement on the split, and other factors could influence how long it takes you to get over your ex.
No matter the cause of the breakup, learning how to move on from a relationship healthily might be beneficial. Part of moving on often includes experiencing the grieving process and working on self-care. You may also experience a phase wherein questions such as "Does my ex think about me? Does my ex wants me back?" come to your mind from time to time, but it's all part of the process. You might also reach out for support from a professional to discuss the circumstances around your loss.
Why are breakups so painful?
The end of a romantic relationship may not only include the loss of your partner. You might also lose the plans, hopes, and goals you held together. Studies have shown that breakups can lead to the same symptoms as bereavement, causing significant emotional and sometimes even physical pain.
You may experience disappointment, loss, and a sense of failure. In some cases, you might experience some or all stages of grief, a system developed and studied by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
How to get over an ex
If you're looking for the best way to get over someone, Below are a few research-based techniques on how to get over a guy.
Give yourself time to heal
You may have invested yourself in your former relationship, and it can take time to heal from the emotional pain of loss. While there might not be a definitive answer to “How long does it take to get over an ex? You may not grieve the relationship forever. At some point, you might be ready for a new or stronger connection with yourself.
Healing usually does not follow any one, set timeline. When you find yourself asking, "Why can't I get over my ex?", it can be helpful to remind yourself that it usually takes time. Everyone may deal with their emotions differently, and comparison could be counterproductive. This could mean a few weeks or a few months, so focus on your own emotions and keep your boyfriend’s life out of your field of vision for as long as possible.
Set healthy boundaries for yourself
Researchers at the University of Colorado recommend setting healthy boundaries for yourself and the people in real life following a breakup to care for your mental and emotional well-being. If running into your ex is unavoidable, plan how you will react and the level of communication you want with them. Some people are comfortable being friends with an ex after setting physical and emotional boundaries. Others may want complete separation. Both can be healthy, depending on the circumstances.
Consider setting the following boundaries:
- You are not obligated to discuss the details of your relationship with friends and family. You may politely but firmly say that you appreciate the concern but don’t want to talk about your ex.
- Getting over your ex-boyfriend may feel much more challenging if you talk and see each other frequently. Try establishing a no-contact rule for a period after the breakup.
- You may want to check your ex’s social profiles to see how they are doing. Try to set boundaries for yourself and avoid these urges when possible.
Work through your emotions
The end of a romantic relationship might leave you with conflicting feelings about your former partner. You may feel guilty about considering a new partner or experience powerful feelings of sadness, anger, regret, confusion, resentment, jealousy, or grief. Suppressing or ignoring your feelings could prolong your healing process, and studies show that it may negatively impact your physical health.
Getting over an ex-boyfriend and moving on may involve identifying your emotions and giving yourself time and space to experience them. Dr. Kim Maertz of the University of Alberta published a paper suggesting that experiencing the spectrum of emotions after a breakup allows those feelings to decrease over time, facilitating faster recovery and grief processing.
Focus on self care
When dealing with the aftermath of a breakup, it can be a valuable time to catch up on self-care. Journaling can be a positive way to express your thoughts and emotions while giving you a record of your progress.
Self-care may sometimes feel like a chore if you’re feeling down after a breakup. Try to ensure your basic needs are being met. For example, shower, grab a healthy meal, stay hydrated, and sleep at the same time each night. A walk around the block or lunch with a friend may help you get back to your routine. Taking minor steps can be normal. A great sign of healing is being able to enjoy time with yourself.
Look for personal development opportunities
Making positive changes in your life after a breakup can lead to personal growth and development, helping you move on without lingering issues from the relationship.
Research shows that individuals who make personal growth after a breakup may exhibit higher rates of self-confidence, independence, and emotional stability.
“Results confirmed the hypotheses that growth would be related to ending a relationship low in self-expansion and that the relationship between these variables would be mediated by experiencing more rediscovery of the self, less loss of self, and more positive emotions following dissolution,” said the authors of a study about growth after a breakup.
Build a healthy environment
Spending time with supportive friends and family after a breakup could make recovering from lingering feelings feel more manageable. However, try to cultivate a healthy, positive environment. You may heal faster when you surround yourself with people who allow you to express your emotions in a place that helps you relax. Finding and focusing on new friendships may also be very helpful for healing and transformation.
Examine what went wrong and learn from it
Part of getting over an ex and moving on may be examining why the relationship ended and learning from it. Breakups often hurt, but when relationships end they might bring positive changes to your life if you learn from past mistakes and grow. Examine how you reacted to conflict in the relationship and look for areas where you can improve to be a better partner.
Start a new relationship with yourself
Before you move on to a new relationship, consider taking time to focus on yourself. Learn about what you like and what you expect a partner to do for you. Try not to rush to a dating app and consider dating yourself for a while. There is no rush to start dating again.
Anything you would expect or like a partner to do for you, do it for yourself. It can make you more comfortable doing things alone and may show you the standard of care you want in future relationships. Try the following activities:
- Take yourself to a fancy dinner at your favorite restaurant
- Buy yourself a treat, like chocolates or flowers
- Go to the movie theater on your own
- Write yourself a love letter
- Remind yourself you deserve a fresh start
Build a support network
A network of supportive people could help you get through a difficult breakup and move on with your life. From a trusted therapist to a relationship coach to your close friends and family, lean on the people you care about and let them help you. Connecting with other people could make you feel less alone, particularly if you and your ex made many mutual friends who aren’t around as much now.
Therapy could help you move on after a breakup
Many people struggle to learn how to get over an ex and move on with their lives. It may help to speak to a licensed therapist, either online or in person, for help examining and working through your feelings. If virtual treatments sound like a fit for you, online therapy providers like BetterHelp often offer convenient, available appointments through phone or video calls and asynchronous online chats that give you the option to choose the best method for you.
Many therapists have successfully used cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat various mental conditions. Recent studies have shown that CBT can be as effective online as it is for in-person treatments. The same study presented online therapy as more cost-effective and able to promote stronger client/therapist relationships.
Takeaway
How do you get over an ex that you still love?
Everyone’s experience of getting over an ex they’re still in love with is different, and what works for you might not work for someone else. The process might be challenging and painful, but there are some consistent things you can do to get over your ex:
Limit contact
Limiting or cutting off contact with your ex might be a good idea, at least for a while. This can help you create space and distance to heal and move on. Although it may seem like the right thing to do, try to resist the temptation (or feel obligated) to remain friends. Putting yourself in that position can leave you feeling more vulnerable instead of assisting with the necessary transition of letting go of the romantic relationship. If your ex pushes for a friendship, let them know you need space right now, and you’d appreciate it if they would try to understand and respect your boundaries.
If you and your ex don’t have a choice but to see each other, work on staying friendly instead of trying to nurture a friendship. Limit your correspondence to civil interactions in which you treat them with respect and kindness—but aren’t involved in each other’s lives on a deeper level.
Allow yourself to grieve and honor your feelings
It’s important to acknowledge and process your feelings of sadness, anger, loss, and any other of the many emotions that typically accompany breakups where one or both people still love the other. Consider keeping a journal to label these emotions and allow yourself to feel them without judgment so you can process and understand them and eventually let them go.
Focus on yourself
Take good care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Make time for activities that nurture and bring you happiness. Exercise regularly, eat nutritiously, and maintain good sleep hygiene. Spend quality time with your friends, family, and loved ones. Now is also an excellent time to engage in activities that promote self-growth. Learn a new skill, volunteer your time with an organization you care about, or help a friend in need. Immerse yourself in your work, do things that help you feel good about yourself, and focus on your future.
Reflect on the relationship
Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you learned from it. Think about the positive and negative aspects and your role in the partnership. Use this information to develop insight into what you want and need in future relationships—and how you’ve grown and evolved from this experience as an individual.
Get help when you need it
If your thoughts and feelings are overwhelming and are creating struggles in other areas like work, school, relationships, or family life, it might be time to seek guidance from a mental health professional. A counselor or therapist can help you process all you are experiencing and develop the coping skills necessary to face everyday challenges.
How can I get over my ex quickly?
Depending on your situation, it might not be possible to get over your ex quickly. Healing from a breakup typically takes time, and it’s important to allow yourself to grieve and get in touch with your emotions to move on healthily. You’ll likely need to distance yourself from them to do this effectively and create space to heal. Refrain from texting or calling and resist the temptation to keep up with their life on social media. Unfriend or unfollow them, or if you think that’s too harsh, block or hide their posts so you can’t see what they’re up to.
Care for yourself and stay busy. Focus on all aspects of your well-being, including your physical, mental, and emotional health by exercising, spending time in nature, and engaging in activities at which you excel and which bring you joy. Cultivate relaxation with a meditation or yoga practice and spend time with the people who care about you.
How long does it take to get over your ex?
Studies have yet to arrive at a consistent and definitive number for how long it takes to get over an ex, as it depends on many factors that will likely vary between people. One older study of college undergraduates with breakups in the last six months found that, on average, it took about three months to move on. Another 2009 study found that out of 4,000 people, it took an average of 17 months and 26 days to move on post-divorce.
How do you stop hurting over an ex?
You may have little control over whether you can stop hurting over your ex right away. It’s typically a difficult, gradual process that takes patience. However, you can start by limiting or cutting off contact with your ex to create some space to heal without constant reminders. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve and acknowledge the complex feelings that often accompany a breakup. Let yourself explore and express those feelings without judgment.
Practice self-care and stay busy with work, hobbies, social life, or other activities that uplift you. Try some new things and fill your time with positive and fulfilling experiences. Additionally, you might consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help along with leaning on your support system of friends and family.
How do you fully let go of an ex?
Some people never actually fully let go of their ex but instead find short-term fixes that temporarily help them forget. To fully let go, accept the reality that you need to move on and honor the feelings that come with that. Be good to yourself, stay busy, and surround yourself with people who are important to you. It may take patience, but you can let go of your ex entirely and move on confidently.
Why do I still cry when I think of my ex?
Many people continue to cry when they think of their ex, especially if the breakup is recent and they’re still processing the emotions and memories associated with the relationship. Those emotions can be complex, making it difficult to understand precisely why it is you still cry when you think about them. If you aren’t sure what’s going on with you emotionally, here are a few reasons you may still cry when thinking about your ex:
You’re still emotionally attached
Emotional attachment to an ex is normal, and there isn’t a set time in which you “should” be over it. However, if your feelings remain strong enough to cry, and they don’t subside with a substantial amount of time, you might have an insecure attachment style that prevents you from moving on. If you suspect that you might have attachment issues, speak to a mental health professional for guidance.
You have unresolved feelings
If there are unresolved feelings or unfinished business from the relationship, such as unexpressed emotions or unresolved conflict, you might continue to experience pain and sadness intense enough to produce tears long after you’ve broken up. These emotions might be so buried within your psyche that you don’t realize they exist until something causes them to emerge.
You’re feeling nostalgic
Memories of the past can provoke feelings of nostalgia and longing for the good times you experienced together. This doesn’t necessarily have to center around your ex, but you might be experiencing nostalgia around the relationship itself and how it felt to have a partner.
Loss of future plans
The end of a relationship often means letting go of future plans and dreams that you had envisioned with your ex, which can be a significant source of grief and pain.
Self-reflection
Thinking about your ex might also prompt introspection about the relationship, your part in it, and what you may have learned from the experience, which can be an emotional process.
How to 100% get over an ex?
Some people never get over their ex 100%, so it’s important to be nonjudgmental towards yourself if you’re determined to wipe them from your feelings entirely and can’t seem to do it. However, with time, effort, and patience, it can be possible to get over them completely:
- Focus on processing your feelings
- Cut off contact with your ex completely
- Take good care of yourself
- Set goals for the future and occupy your time working towards them
- Spend your time doing things you love with people about whom you care
What is the healthiest way to get over an ex?
Sometimes, it might be tempting to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to get over an ex. For example, one might turn to drugs or alcohol, compulsive shopping, or overeating to distract themselves. The healthiest way to get over an ex might not be the easiest in the short term, but it will be the best way in the long term. Getting over someone healthily takes time, and you might need to do some work to process your feelings, stay busy, and take good care of yourself. Seek support from your friends, family, or therapist, and have a plan in place for those “moments of weakness” when you’re most vulnerable.
Who gets over a breakup faster?
Many variables determine who gets over a breakup faster in a relationship, and some couples may never know for certain. Research on the topic doesn’t provide concrete answers as to who gets over a breakup faster, but older studies do suggest that men have a more difficult time moving on. There are several theories as to why this might be, but more current studies reveal it may have to do with women’s propensity to seek support after a breakup, while men are less likely to reach out for help.
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