How To Get The Spark Back In A Broken Relationship: Rekindling Intimacy And Love
Most people in long-term relationships experience highs and lows over time. Even in a healthy partnership, it can be totally normal for couples to feel stuck at times. However, if a couple has started frequently arguing or feeling like they’ve grown apart, it may be a sign of more significant issues, such as a damaged or broken relationship.
Although being in a damaged or broken relationship can feel overwhelming, there are strategies that couples can use to try and reduce negative feelings and rekindle love and intimacy. Here, we’ll examine some potential root causes of a broken relationship and explore strategies for reigniting love in a long-term connection.
Possible root causes of feeling disconnected in a long-term relationship
There are many potential root causes of people feeling disconnected from their partner in a long-term relationship. Some examples include stress, unresolved conflict, and poor communication. Moving forward toward the possibility of healing often starts with understanding and identifying the underlying cause of the disconnect between partners.
Stress in a long-term relationship
Stress can have several impacts on a relationship. It can be caused by internal relationship factors and/or external relationship factors. Internal stress is that which is caused by the relationship itself. For example, challenges with communication can make it stressful for partners to interact with each other. This dynamic can then cause increased irritability and conflict, where small disagreements escalate due to heightened emotions.
External stress is caused by factors outside of a relationship, such as challenges at work. When a person feels stressed, they may become withdrawn and disconnected, which can make the relationship feel distant or cold. Additionally, high stress levels may reduce quality time and affection. As couples become preoccupied with external pressures like work, finances, or family issues, it can become more challenging to prioritize their bond.
Unresolved conflicts
Virtually all relationships experience conflict from time to time. However, when those conflicts go unresolved, it can cause a sense of disconnection. Over time, unresolved conflicts can build up, creating tension that can surface as frequent arguments or emotional withdrawal. It may also contribute to a cycle of negativity where partners expect tension rather than connection, increasing feelings of resentment and frustration.
Lack of communication
Communication is often considered to be the foundation of a healthy relationship, and partners with open and honest communication may be better able to develop close emotional and physical connections. A lack of communication can make a partner feel lonely or isolated and may also make it challenging to resolve conflicts. It can also create misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which may lead to irritation, frustration, and resentment.
How to get the spark back in a broken relationship? Starting with communication
Again, one common cause of emotional disconnection and lack of intimacy is poor communication. For couples experiencing emotional disconnection, it may be beneficial to spend time focusing on building communication and listening skills. With active listening, for example, partners set time aside to listen carefully without judgment to understand how their partner is feeling.
Improving communication often takes effort, but it may become easier over time. To get started, partners might schedule time to regularly check in and discuss their emotions, needs, and concerns. Regular, open communication like this can help each partner feel more trusting of the other, which can increase emotional intimacy and bring them closer together. In addition to verbal communication, emotional intimacy may also be strengthened through small, intentional, nonverbal gestures, like affectionate touch and expressing gratitude.
Rekindling physical connection and sexual intimacy
Physical touch and sexual intimacy, if applicable, often play an important role in maintaining closeness in a romantic relationship. Couples may start a relationship with a strong sex life and high levels of physical affection, but over time, routine, stress, or unresolved issues can create distance. For couples who are feeling disconnected in this way, focusing on intentional physical affection and contact may help improve their love life and intimacy levels over time and bring the partners closer.
Strategies for revitalizing the feeling of love through sexual intimacy
For couples with a sexual relationship, sexual intimacy is often more than just a physical connection. It can also be a powerful way to strengthen emotional bonds and deepen love in a partnership. When nurtured intentionally, sexual intimacy may help reignite passion and create a stronger foundation for long-term happiness. Affectionate physical contact of all kinds can require vulnerability, which often helps build trust.
For couples facing challenges with emotional disconnection, it may be beneficial to prioritize time for intimacy and physical connection. Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual, as other forms of touch, such as holding hands, cuddling, or hugging, can also build emotional warmth and connectedness. It may also be helpful to create a dynamic where both partners can communicate their wants and needs for physical contact openly without a strong fear of rejection.
Working with a sex therapist for advice on how to get the spark back in a broken relationship
In some cases, couples may be able to improve their sexual intimacy by working with a certified sex therapist. A sex therapist can share strategies and techniques for building intimacy while also considering each individual’s mental and physical health needs. Sex therapists may suggest techniques such as mindful touch exercises, communication strategies, or behavioral changes to help partners rediscover passion and closeness. Sex therapy can also offer couples a safe space to discuss topics that might feel uncomfortable to address on their own.
Creating new shared experiences
In addition to fostering intimacy and improving communication, having enjoyable shared experiences as a couple may help increase connection. After the initial stages of dating, some couples get stuck in a rut, and responsibilities such as working or raising children can make it challenging to plan novel experiences. Making it a point to regularly engage in fun activities together can help build new memories and break up the monotony of daily life.
Shared experiences can be larger-scale events, like a spa day, a hike and a picnic, or a trip, or smaller date nights held weekly or monthly. The idea is to carve out regular time to spend as a couple doing new activities or engaging in mutually enjoyable hobbies. Shared adventures may help partners see each other in a new light and reignite feelings of joy and curiosity.
Prioritizing quality time together
Quality time means more than simply being in the same space with a person. Instead, it usually involves both partners engaging with each other in deep and meaningful ways. To enhance the time they do spend together, couples might set ground rules for date nights, such as removing phones and turning off the TV. Then, they might play games, engage in deep conversations to increase vulnerability, or explore a new hobby where both individuals are learning and growing together.
Fostering personal growth and self-love
When both individuals are committed to their own personal growth and self-love, it may help strengthen the foundation of the relationship. It may seem counterintuitive, but practicing techniques such as mindfulness, pursuing personal hobbies, and improving self-confidence can allow each partner to bring a balanced and healthy version of themselves to a relationship. This can help increase stability in a relationship and may create a foundation for effective communication and empathy.
Benefits of focusing on personal mental health
Focusing on improving mental health and practicing self-love may reduce dependency on a partner for validation, allowing each person to contribute to the relationship from a place of security rather than need. Additionally, personal growth may foster emotional resilience, helping couples navigate challenges with greater patience and understanding.
Balancing togetherness and independence
Early in a relationship, partners may want or feel like they need to spend every possible moment with their significant other. While spending quality time together can strengthen emotional bonds, maintaining individuality may be equally important for long-term fulfillment. Too much togetherness can sometimes lead to codependency, where personal identity becomes lost in the relationship, while too much independence might create emotional distance. Striking a balance often means nurturing the relationship while also pursuing personal interests, friendships, and goals.
Connecting with a sex therapist or mental health professional for support
Couples in a damaged or broken relationship may benefit from connecting with a mental health professional, such as a couples therapist or sex therapist. A couples therapist can work with partners to identify barriers and help them rebuild emotional connection, while a sex therapist may focus specifically on improving sexual intimacy. It can also be helpful for partners to each see a therapist individually, especially if they’re struggling with mental health symptoms or past trauma that affects how they show up in their relationship.
However, regular in-person sessions can be challenging to coordinate and travel to for both individuals and couples. If you’re looking for a convenient alternative, you might consider online therapy. Online therapy sessions through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples can take place from anywhere with an internet connection and a personal device. That means you can receive support remotely from a place where you feel comfortable. Research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy.
Takeaway
Can a relationship spark come back?
Often, as a relationship continues, couples miss the early stages of a relationship when they started dating. They might miss the infatuation, dopamine rush, and intensely curious nature of early love in the early years. Although getting this sense of infatuation back might not always be possible, human beings can develop new types of love outside of the honeymoon phase, such as contentment, closeness, and long-term trust. Keeping this type of love alive can require communication skills, conscious effort, and the ability to talk openly about barriers. With this effort, couples can rebuild trust and keep love alive.
How can love in a relationship be rebuilt?
You can rebuild love in a relationship by taking specific steps to address the problem head-on. Below are a few suggestions for starting:
- Redevelop closeness by going on date nights
- Recreate your first date to remember how you felt that night
- Cuddle and increase non-sexual physical closeness, like a reassuring caress, to increase the bonding hormone, oxytocin, in your relationship
- Spend more quality time together, even if it’s not a long amount of time
- If you’re having sexual challenges, avoiding sex until you can have an open conversation and understand the causes behind the tough times may be helpful
- Change the narrative and tell a different story around how you resolve conflict–Instead of seeing it as “me against them,” try “us against the problem”
- Seek professional support from a licensed marriage and family therapist
- Use each other’s love languages to support each other
- Try fun and exciting new activities, such as a dance class or a cooking class
- Ask yourself how you can change yourself instead of only looking at your partner’s flaws by using techniques like a personal interview or journaling prompts
What is the seven-day relationship reset?
A seven-day relationship reset is a plan partners can use to cope with conflict and “reset” the relationship in hopes of reestablishing a spark and excitement. It involves seven steps, one for each day, including the following:
- Practice self-care and reflection separately on the first day
- Have an open conversation and share your feelings while actively listening to your partner’s perspective, as well
- Have more physical touch together, even if it isn’t sexual at first (days three and four)
- Express gratitude and appreciation for each other
- Plan and practice shared activities and new things together to get to know the world around you as a couple in new ways
- Recommit to your relationship and set goals for the future
- Complete your goals, and don’t forget about the conversations you had
How do you bring intimacy back?
A loss of intimacy can be challenging for couples. Both partners may benefit from acknowledging the problem exists and learning the causes to start regaining intimacy. After addressing the issue, take a break from physical intimacy while focusing on emotional intimacy in your relationship. Brainstorm ways to reconnect on a deep level and get to know each other again. For example, you might take time to schedule a conversation to check in about each other’s emotions each week as you start working on problems. Talking to a therapist can also be helpful. If you’re having sexual intimacy problems, consider talking to a sex therapist.
How do you truly accept your relationship is over?
If your relationship has ended, whether it was your choice or not, radical acceptance may be a helpful skill for accepting the end. This skill is taught in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which can benefit people with attachment-related challenges. Below are the steps:
- Observe how you might be questioning or fighting your reality.
- Remind yourself that your reality cannot be changed in this situation.
- Try to note any causes for the reality. Acknowledge how many people do not have control over who they love and when, but you can control how you proceed.
- Practice acceptance with your mind, body, and spirit. Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are willing to accept this situation, even if it is difficult.
- List all the behaviors you'd partake in if you had already accepted this situation. Then act this way until you find it aligns with your reality.
- Cope ahead by thinking of ways to accept the situation if it worsens.
- Attend to your body sensations using mindfulness or meditation to connect with yourself.
- If they do, allow disappointment, sadness, grief, or anger to arise. Note them, but do not act on them. Give them the space to exist.
- Acknowledge that life can be worth living, even when there is pain.
- Create a pros and cons list if you are resisting acceptance further.
Can physical attraction come back in a relationship?
Many people lose physical attraction to their partners in a relationship for many reasons. Common causes of this loss of attraction may include constant arguing, a toxic relationship, bodily changes, insecurity, infidelity, and physical or mental health challenges. In some cases, people lose physical attraction for no known cause. Either way, if both partners want to make changes, regaining sexual attraction may be possible. Therapy can be a helpful way to work toward this attraction or discuss why it has gone. Often, resolving the cause of losing attraction may bring it back. However, some couples may decide they want to break up.
Can falling out of love be reversed?
If you have fallen out of love with your partner, it may not be possible to regain the same type of love you felt in the past. However, you may be able to regain connection, which can lead to a new type of love. If you’ve experienced a significant shift in your relationship, such as infidelity, talking to a therapist may help you work through this experience if you want to. However, you don’t have to fall in love again if you’ve tried everything and nothing works. In some cases, a new life may be what you’re seeking.
Can counseling help a broken relationship?
According to research, 70% of couples who try therapy find it effective. If your relationship no longer works for you, therapy is a step to look at it from a new viewpoint. Your therapist can be a neutral third party who can help put labels and terms to the behaviors and challenges you struggle with, which can help you start coming up with solutions. The therapist isn’t there to break you up or tell you what’s wrong with you, but to help you decide what you want to do with your relationship and give advice that has worked for others.
How do you know if your relationship is beyond repair?
All relationships (except those involving abuse) may be possible to repair. However, if both partners aren’t committed to restoring the relationship and making positive changes, the changes will likely not occur. One person doing all the work in the relationship can lead to burnout, and problems caused by the other individual can remain, as you can’t change the other person’s behavior through your own. In addition, some conflicts might not have many solutions, such as mismatched values or political beliefs. In these cases, couples might decide it is better to break up, even if they love each other a lot.
Does space help a broken relationship?
Taking space from someone can help you reflect on your own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. However, space can’t ensure that your partner is going to understand your point of view and suddenly change. Although taking space works for some people, taking a break is often a sign of an upcoming breakup.
- Previous Article
- Next Article