Relationship Advice: Overcoming The Challenges Of Age Gap Relationships
Finding the person you love can be a beautiful thing. For some couples, that person may be significantly older or significantly younger. Age-gap relationships can bring joy and excitement but might also present unique challenges.
What are age gap relationships?
When the partners in a romantic relationship have an age difference of 10 or more years, their relationship might be considered an age gap relationship. However, many successful relationships occur between partners with significant age gaps, even decades between birth dates.
U.S. age gap relationship statistics
Here are statistics surrounding age gap relationships in the U.S., according to the BGCU American Community Survey from 2019:
- Remarried couples showed the highest average age gap between partners—7.4 years for same-sex couples and 5.6 years for heterosexual couples
- The smallest age gap was seen among first-time marriages, with an average age gap of 2.9 years for heterosexual couples and 5.8 years for same-sex couples
- The mean age difference for same-sex couples was substantially higher (6.3 years) than for heterosexual couples (3.9 years)
This article examines relationships between consenting adults, not adults with adolescents or youth. If you’re under the age of consent and an adult's behavior makes you uncomfortable, resources are available to help.
- Reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline 24/7 for support at 800-656-4673
- StopItNow! has a helpline at 888-773-8368 and various online resources
Common challenges for age gap relationships
In addition to the typical challenges most relationships face, many couples with an age gap may face stigma judgment, and negative stereotypes from the outside world. Younger people might be thought to be after a partner’s money, while people may think an older partner is predatory or showing poor judgment.
Stereotypical language can also add to stigma. For example, younger women dating older men could be labeled “gold diggers”, or older women dating younger men could be referred to as a “cougar”. These stereotypes can be harmful and can make navigating a relationship with someone older or younger than your own age more difficult.
Research from Psychology of Women Quarterly has also shown the experiences of a female partner in an age gap relationship can differ significantly from a woman who is in a similarly-aged relationship.
According to research, many couples where one partner is significantly older use three strategies to manage the stigma they face in their relationship and to potentially gain social support. They include:
- Passing: One partner actively works to look and feel closer in age to the other
- Lampooning: Using humor to deflect any threat stigma poses
- Dismissing: Both partners agree to ignore the judgment as if it doesn’t exist
Addressing concerns and disapproval from family
It can be easy to feel like age is just a number when you're in love. However, even though you see the beautiful aspects of your relationship, friends and family may not always react with joy when you tell them.
Loved ones on both sides might question whether your relationship is valid or healthy. What do you want the main takeaway to be after the revelation? Do you want them to know you’re loved and happy, understand your plans for the future, or see how well your partner treats you?
You might want to listen to their concerns and do your best to respond calmly with logical answers. If their questions cross boundaries, you can respectfully tell them you aren't ready to discuss the topic.
Working to blend families
Falling in love with someone significantly older than you may mean your new relationship comes with a built-in family. Even without the concern of children, building connections with your partner's family can be beneficial. If your partner is decades older, they may have children close to your age, which might cause contention when you tell them about the relationship.
Discussing plans for future children
When delving into an age-gap relationship, it might help to discuss whether you want children together. If you skip this step, you could end up in a relationship with someone who has different fundamental life goals than you.
For example, if your partner is older, already has children, and doesn’t want more, will that affect the long-term vision for your life?
Merging financial matters
When one partner is many years older than the other, there may be differences in life experience, life stages, and financial stability. Money issues, monetary hardship, and differing economic security factors can be a source of conflict in many relationships, but particularly in age-gap relationships. It could also create unfair power dynamics between partners with age differences.
An older partner might be in a different place financially, with an established career, property ownership, or investments. Some couples may consider a pre- or post-nuptial agreement to clarify money matters. Financial concerns may be a primary judgment your relationship faces, but you can work past them with effective communication.
Maintaining emotional intimacy
Building a strong connection with your partner can be challenging in any relationship. Couples with an age gap may face increased struggles with emotional intimacy because they may have vastly different life experiences and circumstances.
Emotional intimacy may fade without effort from both partners, allowing distance to grow between you. Here are some tips for staying connected:
- Focus your attention on your love story and continue making it a priority
- Communicate openly with each other regularly
- Accept your differences and find ways to complement each other
- Make plans for your future
- Remember that maturity is relative, and accept your partner as they are
- Be patient and flexible if you come across age-related conflicts
- Prioritize time with your partner. Schedule regular date nights and make time for each other
- Attend couples therapy if you have trouble working past conflicts in the relationship
- Prepare to face uncertainty as you encounter new issues and work to overcome them together
Handling health problems
Health issues may become a more frequent obstacle in some age-gap relationships. If one partner is significantly older, age-related health issues may complicate things. You might want to consider the possibility of becoming a caretaker if unexpected health issues put you in that role.
Finding a healthy power balance
When one partner has substantially more power, wealth, or experience, it can create an uneven power dynamic, with the younger partner relying on the older one for advice and support.
Finding healthy ways to balance the power in your relationship can be essential so both partners feel equally valued and important, increasing relationship satisfaction.
Accounting for differences in maturity
Dating someone whose age is vastly different than yours can lead to drastic variations in maturity level. Find things you have in common and make a place to fit your partner into your life.
Facing stigma and judgment in age gap relationships
People sometimes judge what they don’t understand, and that narrow view may extend to your relationship. Individuals may see you together and feel they can comment on who you choose to love or make assumptions about you and your partner.
Reach out for help
If you feel like the emotional connection between yourself and your partner is weakening or you experience struggles you can’t work past, consider speaking with a licensed couples therapist. Licensed mental health professionals can help facilitate productive communication and conflict resolution with the support of a mental health professional.
How couples therapy can help overcome age gap challenges
While age-gap relationships face additional unique problems, help is available to build healthy lines of communication so you can work through things with your partner. Working with a licensed therapist through online platforms like BetterHelp puts treatment just a few clicks away. Flexible appointment formats through phone, video call, or online chat make it simple to fit couples therapy into your busy schedule.
Recent studies indicate that online couples therapy can be as effective as face-to-face sessions. Explore the issues affecting your relationship with professional support.
Takeaway
Want to work with a trained mental health professional to learn more? Take the first step with BetterHelp to get started.
How does an age gap affect a relationship? Is there a type of mental health therapy that can help?
An age gap could affect a relationship in numerous ways, but it depends on the couple. Here are some examples of certain challenges many age gap relationships face:
- Power dynamics
- Emotional maturity levels of each partner
- Self-consciousness due to cultural norms
- Different developmental stages for each age group
- Health issues of the older partner
- Generational differences and cultural references
Couples therapy can address the unique challenges faced in an age gap relationship. This form of therapy can also address any mental health issues faced by the people involved in the romantic relationship.
Do age gaps matter in relationships?
Many people say age is just a number, and this could be true in many situations. Still, age differences can affect relationships in various ways, depending on the couple. For example, you may be in different life stages or have vastly different life experiences based on being born in different generations. In some cases, age gap challenges can affect relationship satisfaction.
In others, the age matter mayonly become a problem as the partners age. For example, both partners may be healthy when they first start dating, but ten years into the marriage, the situation could look very different. Younger people may not be ready for the caregiving responsibilities that come as their older partner ages.
How much of an age gap is acceptable between couples?
The acceptable age difference between romantic partners is subjective and might vary based on where you live, what life stages you and your partner are in, and your individual preferences. Generally, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone your own age, nor is it abnormal to have an older or younger partner. Still, significant age differences may cause unique challenges in interpersonal relationships such as power imbalances, for instance.
What is the disadvantage of an age gap relationship?
It depends on the couple. Generally, the concern with age gap couples is that they might not be on the same page in certain respects. For example, there might be a difference in maturity level,career development milestones, or energy levels. They could also lack social support from the outside world, especially with large age gaps.
What are the benefits of age gap relationships?
There could be some benefits of age gap relationships, but it might depend on the couple. Some potential advantages include financial stability for younger partners, diverse social circles, and the novelty of sharing different life experiences.
How do you deal with differences in a marriage or relationship?
Whether you’re the same age or there’s a big age difference between you and your partner, you’re bound to experience some challenges due to your unique personalities and backgrounds. This is the nature of romantic relationships. Still, there are some healthy ways to address these challenges. Here are some examples:
- Learn to communicate effectively to gain more understanding of one another.
- Show gratitude and appreciation for each other, including your differences.
- Foster an intimate relationship by spending quality time together.
- Learn effective conflict resolution strategies.
Does age matter in anything?
It may depend on your perspective and that of your partner. When age difference matters, it’s usually because you’re in different life stages. This could mean you’re not on the same level in terms of maturity or priorities in life.
According to a 2008 study published by Psychology of Women Quarterly, couples are happier when women are the older partners in the relationship, even when compared to couples with similar age partners. This suggests that in terms of being problematic, perhaps age gaps in relationships matter only when the man is the older partner.
Why do we care so much about age gap relationships?
There could be many different reasons that we tend to care about age gap relationships. Typically, anything that goes against societal norms can make a good topic for conversation. If you’re in an age-gap relationship, remember that what really matters is that you both have respect for one another and you’re nurturing a loving relationship, not how many years younger or older you are.
Is 18 and 24 a big age difference?
A 6-year age gap is not generally considered a big age gap, but it could depend on the relative maturity of each partner. If one partner still behaves like an adolescent and the older partner is thinking about settling down, it might seem like a large age gap. In this respect, age gaps might be more about life stages than actual ages. Moreover, sometimes the younger person in the relationship could be more mature than the older, which can further complicate things.
What is the average age gap in relationships worldwide?
The average age gap can vary based on geographical regions. For example, there tend to be more significant age gaps in African countries versus Western countries. Worldwide, it’s more common for younger women to marry older men than for younger men to marry older women. Some surveys indicate that there are larger age gaps among same-sex couples, especially after middle age.
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