How to handle growing apart in a relationship

It is naturally distressing when your connection to your partner begins to fade. However, the waxing and waning of affection is likely normal in most relationships to a degree. Many things can make a couple feel distant from each other, like stress from a job or childcare. It is likely how couples choose to deal with those moments of disconnection that predict whether their strong union will return, not whether they can avoid feeling disconnected entirely. 

If you feel like you might be growing apart in a relationship, there are some basic steps you can take. It is likely important to consider the relationship's overall status, even if it means turning your attention toward unpleasant realities. A firm understanding of the most pressing relationship problems can help you choose your first steps toward bringing you and your partner closer together. 

Keep reading for tips and strategies to enhance your relationship quality and improve your emotional connection to your partner. 

Take a thorough self-inventory

Before considering your dynamic with your partner, it will likely be helpful to ensure you understand your needs well. Definitions of a healthy relationship can vary from person to person, but some broad themes may apply to most. It is likely worthwhile to consider how your needs align with the major aspects of a relationship, which can help you identify sources of dissatisfaction that may be distancing you from your partner. 

• Boundaries. Consider whether your partner respects your boundaries. If you think they don’t, consider whether you are setting boundaries appropriately or if your partner may not know where all your boundaries are. 
• Communication. Your interactions with your partner are fundamental to the success of the relationship. Think about whether you and your partner can communicate healthily and empathetically. Take note if you frequently feel unheard or disregarded. 
• Trust. Think carefully about how much you trust your partner. Are there areas where trust could be improved? Do you feel like you have a good understanding of what you consider to be trustworthy behavior? 
• Intimacy. Consider both physical and emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy refers to affectionate touch, up to and including sex. Emotional intimacy refers to a feeling of connectedness with your partner. What makes you feel especially connected to them? Are requests for intimacy met with a positive response? 

Try to initiate a conversation

Long-term relationships require couples to communicate frequently to maintain happiness and satisfaction. Sometimes, couples avoid discussing unpleasant topics to avoid conflict. While that may seem like a worthwhile goal, unresolved conflict could lead to significant resentment. It can also cause a couple to grow apart, as they may feel unable to express their needs to the other person. 

In contrast, a healthy conversation might help you and your partner feel closer, even if you are discussing the nitty-gritty of the relationship. It is important to enter the conversation ready to listen, empathize with your partner, and engage in productive problem-solving. It is very important to avoid playing the “blame game.” The conversation should let both partners feel heard and understood. You should be prepared to listen to your partner, consider their point of view, and work together towards a compromise. 

If you think a face-to-face conversation discussing relationship issues might not go well, consider writing down your thoughts and submitting them to your partner as a letter. Some couples choose to discuss many of their difficult concerns in writing, which gives both parties time to reflect on what the other has written. Emotions can be managed, and knee-jerk reactions can be avoided. 

Make arrangements for more intimacy

Intimacy is often split into physical and emotional categories, although other forms of intimacy exist. If you feel disconnected from your partner, focusing first on non-physical intimacy is likely best. Evidence suggests that while sex and other forms of physical intimacy are important, strong emotional intimacy significantly improves physical intimacy as a way for partners to strengthen their bond. 

Couples grow by spending time together and engaging in various forms of intimacy. While physical intimacy may be the best known, these other forms of intimacy can help a couple grow together as a couple: 

• Emotional intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being “in love” and has a strong element of trust. Sharing secrets, seeking support, and being vulnerable are all forms of emotional intimacy. 
• Cognitive intimacy, also called intellectual intimacy, takes place when partners share thoughts and ideas. It also commonly occurs during friendly debates where both partners are interested in the other’s opinion, even if it differs from theirs. 
• Experiential intimacy refers to bonding through shared experiences and mutual activities. Couples may not always interact directly during moments of experiential intimacy but typically work toward a common goal. 

It may be helpful to focus on cognitive and experiential intimacy first. Some experts recommend focusing on “building the friendship” before directly confronting romantic problems. You might consider finding discussion topics other than the relationship or thinking of new experiences you can share with your partner.

Consider rituals of gratitude

Partners sometimes begin growing apart because they unintentionally take each other for granted. They may focus on negative aspects of the relationship but consider positive things about the relationship or their partner as the “norm” and not worthy of recognition. However, part of the “work” of a relationship generally involves consciously and deliberately introducing positivity. 

One common approach to injecting positivity into a relationship includes “rituals of gratitude,” which are activities centered on gratitude that partners do regularly. You might write a thankful note, give a small gift, or just verbally thank your partner for things they do to make your life easier. No matter what you choose, make sure you do it regularly, ideally once per day. 

Practice radical acceptance

Acceptance is key to a lasting relationship. It’s important to accept your partner’s quirks and parts of them that you don’t necessarily agree with. A lack of acceptance may lead one or both partners to feel like they can’t be themselves around their partner, leading to resentment and stress within the union. You may want to consider focusing on accepting the things you cannot change about your partner rather than starting an argument or discussion about their traits. 

Of course, it’s important to recognize behavior that shouldn’t be accepted. If your partner treats you poorly or otherwise demeans you in the relationship, that isn’t acceptable. If your relationship has degraded to the point where respect is absent and your partner treats you with contempt, it is likely time to consider whether staying in the relationship is worth the difficulty associated with it. 

Talk to a professional 

It is possible that seeking couples counseling from a qualified mental health professional could drastically reduce the stress in your relationship. Evidence suggests that over 70% of couples who seek therapy report significant improvement in the quality of their relationship. While couples counseling can be initiated at any time, the evidence further suggests that the outcomes are best for couples who seek therapy early instead of waiting for relationship issues to become overwhelming. 

A couples counselor can help you and your partner understand why you’re growing apart and recommend strategies to help you improve your relationship. By paying attention to how you and your partner interact, they can discover key insights about the growing distance between you. A couples counselor can’t fix the relationship for you, but they can offer strategies and solutions that you and your partner can use to strengthen your bond. 

Arranging couples counseling can sometimes be difficult because two people’s schedules and resources must be considered. You may want to suggest online therapy to your partner to minimize some inconveniences associated with seeking therapy. You can visit with an online therapist from home, removing the need to travel to an office. 

Online therapists have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists, and they use the same evidence-based couples therapy techniques. Online therapy usage has increased massively within the last few years, prompting researchers to investigate methods used online to ensure that they work as well as they do in person. Results from that research suggest that online therapy, including online couples therapy, is just as effective as traditional therapy in most cases. 

Takeaway

Distance in a relationship can feel frightening and challenging to overcome, but it is likely that most couples experience periods of distance. You may want to take a thorough inventory of your thoughts and feelings regarding the relationship and then present your concerns to your partner in a kind, empathetic way. You and your partner might also consider prioritizing intimacy by finding new shared activities, making time for deep conversations, or working together toward a mutual goal. You should also think about couples counseling, which effectively increases relationship satisfaction for most couples who participate. If you do decide to speak to a counselor, don’t wait until problems have reached their worst; evidence suggests that the earlier couples seek therapy, the more effective it is likely to be.