How To Identify A Self-Sabotaging Relationship And Change The Dynamic

Many people crave intimacy, but for some, getting close to someone can be a scary experience. Trauma from childhood or past experiences can lead to complex feelings and beliefs about relationships. Some people may convince themselves that no one will ever love them or that every relationship will end with them getting hurt, even if they have a loving and supportive partner.

People who fear rejection or commitment in a relationship may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Self-sabotage can prevent a person from developing a close relationship with their partner, potentially contributing to the end of the relationship and reinforcing unhealthy beliefs. Learning about the factors behind these behaviors can help you identify them and change the dynamic in your self-sabotaging relationship. Working with a therapist throughout this process can be helpful.

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage generally refers to consciously or subconsciously acting in ways that prevent one from reaching their goals or achieving the things they desire. People aren’t always aware that they are engaging in self-sabotage, and even when they do make the connection, they may not know how to stop the behavior. 

Examples of self-sabotaging behavior can include the following:

Procrastination

Everyone may procrastinate occasionally, but having a habit of putting things off until the last minute can cause problems. For example, imagine that you have a job interview tomorrow, but in the back of your mind, you don’t think you’re good enough or don’t deserve the job. Rather than spending the evening preparing, you might procrastinate by watching TV or reading a book and doing minimal prep work. Then, once it’s time for your interview, it’s likely you won’t be as prepared as you should be. This may contribute to you not getting the job, potentially reinforcing your belief that you don’t deserve it.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness can serve as an attempt to cope with insecurities by deflecting responsibility or denying your role in a problem. It may be a reaction to criticism or a way to avoid negative emotions. For instance, you might make excuses for your actions or mention others’ mistakes to justify your own behavior.

Perfectionism

Trying to hold yourself to an impossible standard can be a form of self-sabotage. It can lead to negative self-talk, a preoccupation with details, and all-or-nothing thinking, which can lead you to shy away from trying new things or prevent you from starting new projects.

How does self-sabotage manifest in relationships?

There may be many ways to self-sabotage a relationship, including those discussed below.

• Engaging in infidelity: Cheating on a partner can be a form of self-sabotaging behavior. Someone may choose to cheat on their partner to end the relationship without having to be the one to do it, particularly if they believe they are not worthy of love.
• Being passive-aggressive: Passive aggression can be thought of as a style of communication involving talking about your feelings indirectly instead of with clarity and openness. It can result from being afraid to talk about negative emotions or to avoid confrontation, but it can lead to confusion and misunderstandings in a relationship.
• Refusing to commit: This form of self-sabotage can occur when people have been dating for a period of time and may be expected to enter a monogamous relationship, but they choose not to commit. This can introduce insecurity and uncertainty to the relationship. The other person may end the relationship if they sense they are not a priority for their self-sabotaging partner.
• Failing to communicate: Not communicating your wants and needs to your partner can be a form of self-sabotage in a relationship. Some people may believe that their partner should know what they want and need if they really care for them, but your partner cannot read your mind, and expecting them to do so can lead to friction.
• Having unrealistic expectations: Holding your partner to an unattainable standard may set your relationship up for failure. Unrealistic expectations can convince you that your relationship isn’t working, giving you a reason to end it. 
• Gaslighting: Gaslighting is usually considered a form of emotional abuse in which someone tries to make another person question their own experiences, memories, or feelings. When confronted about their behavior, someone who self-sabotages may deny or dismiss their partner’s concerns.

What causes self-sabotage in a relationship?

There isn’t necessarily a universal cause for self-sabotage in a relationship. This behavior can result from various factors, including attachment styles.

For example, people with anxious attachment styles may have negative self-views that can lead them to question their worth and reinforce low self-esteem. These feelings can lead to fears of losing their partners, which may, in turn, lead to self-destructive behaviors that can drive their partners away. 

People with avoidant attachment styles may also self-sabotage in relationships. They may have negative views of their partners and positive views of themselves. Avoidant people usually try to maintain control, independence, and autonomy in their relationships because they either do not want an emotional connection to their partner or don’t think having one is possible. People with this type of attachment style may try to distance themselves to promote their own independence, which can ultimately end the relationship.

How to change the dynamic

Once you realize you may be sabotaging your relationship, you can take steps to prevent these behaviors. Here are some strategies to try.

Take responsibility for your behavior

Before you can actively work to make changes, you may need to confront your behavior to understand the role you may be playing in damaging your relationship.

Communicate your feelings

Talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you feel to help them understand what you’re experiencing. Doing so can be challenging if you’ve experienced difficulties with abandonment or commitment, but when you successfully communicate with your partner, you may work through these challenges together. 

Identify your triggers

Try to determine what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. For example, do you tend to react strongly when you sense you aren’t being heard? Do you lash out when your partner wants to talk about commitment? After you determine what is triggering your fears, you can try to find healthier ways to cope. 

Seek professional help

For some people, self-sabotage in a relationship can go back to deeply damaging trauma and pain that are not easy to overcome. Working with a therapist can help you identify behaviors and triggers and learn what is causing them. A mental health professional can help you heal from past trauma and develop the coping skills you deserve to stop self-sabotaging and change the dynamic in your relationship. 

If you’re interested in working with a professional, consider an online therapy platform like BetterHelp. With BetterHelp, you can work with a qualified professional from the comfort of your home at a time that suits your schedule. Plus, you can change providers at any time for no additional fee until you find the right fit. 

Studies also show that online therapy can be an effective treatment option that may be more cost-effective than in-person treatment. A 2022 study found that online therapy was comparably effective to in-person counseling, and participants typically experienced improvements in interpersonal sensitivity, anxiety symptoms, and more.

Takeaway

Self-sabotage in a relationship can result from a fear of commitment or intimacy and may be rooted in traumatic and painful events of the past. In-person or online therapy can help you determine which factors contribute to these behaviors, learn effective coping skills to overcome self-sabotage, and change the dynamic of your adult relationships.