How To Spice Up A Relationship: Rekindling A Relationship

Long-term relationships can be rewarding, providing stability, companionship, and support. However, some couples may slip into routine and drift apart. What was once a passionate relationship can start to become boring as intimacy and spending time together seems like another chore to tick off the to-do list. When an emotional disconnect happens, couples may become dissatisfied. In these cases, having a few techniques available for spicing up your relationship and restoring your connection can be helpful. 

The importance of intimacy and connection in a relationship

Whether you've been with your partner for a few months or have been happily married for decades, your connection and intimacy can dramatically impact your satisfaction and well-being. Having a satisfying sex life can be a major relationship saver. It can help you sync with your partner, strengthen your bond, and build resiliency. Shared moments of passion, like kissing, cuddling, or touching, can also create deep feelings of affection and love. Pleasure and intimacy release oxytocin, which helps bond you to your partner and reduce stress. 

Research shows that having a healthy sexual relationship can create a safe emotional boundary for sharing preferences, desires, and concerns, resulting in more transparent and honest communication, which can be a critical component of long-lasting, happy relationships. 

Staying connected may not only involve having a sexual connection, but an emotional attachment as well. Research also shows that couples who spend a significant portion of their time talking to each other are more satisfied, feel closer, and notice the positive aspects of their relationship more quickly. Overall, being intimate and connected with your partner can keep you both healthy and satisfied and better equipped to endure hardships. 

What causes disconnection in a relationship?

Falling into a lull may not be a rare phenomenon for long-term couples. Couples can hit slumps in their relationship. Bodies go through natural chemical changes as they progress through the stages of a relationship.

After a while, the cortisol and serotonin return to normal levels. Simultaneously, oxytocin and vasopressin rise, causing the relationship to move from excitement and nervousness to commitment and comfort. Research shows the dopamine levels of couples in long-term relationships stay the same as new couples, suggesting that the new relationship excitement can still exist without the stress of new relationships. 

Beyond chemical reactions, staying connected as friends and lovers can be challenging when balancing work, childcare, or other responsibilities. A lack of secrecy, health issues, stress, exhaustion, or grief can also cause the relationship to take a back seat. 

Is your relationship may be in a rut?

It can be healthy and normal for sexual encounters to rise and fall throughout your relationship. As priorities shift and hardships arise, couples may naturally put their sex life on pause and resume once responsibilities in their lives return to normal. However, it may be challenging to get the spark back. Below are signs it may be beneficial to add some spice to your relationship: 

Signs it may be time to learn how to spice things up in a relationship

• Zero intimacy or sexual encounters
• A lack of interest in intimacy and lengthening intervals between intimacy 
• A lack of spontaneity 
• A sense of sexual, emotional, or physical dissatisfaction post-sex 
• Minimal emotional connection during intimacy (i.e., no eye contact, attentiveness, laughter, etc.) 
• Intercourse is the same every time
• You're fantasizing about people other than your partner
• Your thoughts are on other subjects during intimate activities 
• You don’t often feel in the mood, and sex seems obligatory rather than an activity you do out of desire
• There's noticeable emotional distance 
• You worry that your partner doesn’t act interested in you, or that you don’t seem to matter
• You frequently think about past sexual encounters 
• You don’t talk about fantasies, sexual desires, or needs
• You’re experiencing increasing emotional distance and a decline in relationship satisfaction

In some cases, a lack of intimacy can be an indication of a more significant problem when conflicts, a lack of communication, or withdrawal accompany it. If you think your relationship might have underlying issues causing the disconnect, it might be helpful to explore them with the help of a licensed therapist. 

How to spice things up in a relationship

Each relationship is unique, so what works for one couple may not work for the next. However, several strategies might help you spice things up in your relationship, including the following.  

Have open communication about intimacy in the relationship

Research shows that having open and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs and desires can be a critical component of having a healthy sex life. While it may be awkward at first to have conversations about sex, honest communication can be one of the best tips to unlocking more intimacy in your relationship. 

If you aren't sure where to start, try asking questions like: 

• What do you enjoy about our intimacy?
• What do you wish there was more of in our sex life? 
• Is there something you'd like to try that we haven't?

Take notice if you or your partner have fears or insecurities about communicating about intimacy. It may help you uncover potential areas to work on to be confident and comfortable together. 

Schedule a regular date night to spice things up 

Finding time to spend quality time together can be difficult if you and your partner have busy schedules. But this is your best friend, and it’s important to make time to hang out and have fun. Committing to having a regular date night can allow you to reconnect and spend time together. 

For your date night, you might choose to go out or stay in, and you may consider trying activities you did together at the beginning of your relationship (or even recreate your first date). When you're together, eliminate distractions and remain fully present spending time and simply talking together. You might make a "no phones allowed" rule or hire a sitter if you have children to make it easier to actively listen and connect to your partner during your date night.   

Get your adrenaline pumping together 

Getting your adrenaline pumping can be a way to duplicate some of the excitement from the early stages of your relationship. Going to an amusement park, haunted house, shooting range, or watching a scary movie can be a way to bring you and your partner together. Additionally, adrenaline has been shown to increase the amount of attraction between two people. 

Try to disrupt the routine for your relationship

If your intimacy has fallen into a routine, it might be helpful to shake up your sexual activity. For example, if you always have intercourse in bed, you might switch your usual spot for sexual interactions, and try the living room or your car. Alternatively, if you always have intimate interactions at night, you might try connecting in the morning instead. You might also consider trying a new position.

One way to break up the routine is to create a fantasy bucket list together. Write down exciting ideas you'd like to try together, and have fun trying to mark items off the list. With a little planning you can create some exciting new memories. 

Try something new in the bedroom

Couples who feel bored in the bedroom might enjoy embracing new experiences. For example, adding a sexual enhancement aid, like a body safe sex toy, may create a more intense connection when spicing things up. There are many sex toys to consider, including gender-neutral toys, BDSM equipment, vibrators, and strap-ons, among others. Explore sensual new smells and tastes with candles, oils, and food play. Another option may be watching porn or reading erotic literature together. Doing so could be a way to build sexual tension and pique curiosity. Even if watching porn or reading erotic novels or other publications together makes you laugh, it can be a way to bond. Creating a pleasure roadmap together helps partners learn new things about each other, as well concentrate on creative ways to be better lovers.  

Before you introduce pornography into your bedroom, note that it has been linked to both positive and negative effects. While porn may boost sexual satisfaction and help you understand your sexual identity, it may also increase the likelihood of engaging in partnership abuse or developing depression. As a result, if you and your partner want to use erotic media to enhance your sex life, consider having honest conversations before, during, and after introducing pornography to the relationship. 

Have fun together and switch things up 

Couples can get in the habit of checking off their to-do list together but forgetting to have fun. Try doing no stress activities primarily for fun, like playing games, going to concerts, playing sports, or partaking in other activities the two of you love. Or try something new that you both have been wondering about, like doing a meditative practice together. Stay in a premium-quality boutique hotel in a nearby town and get room service. Scheduling activities can be a fun surprise for your partner and a way to reconnect. Additionally, research shows that companionship is associated with increased well-being and emotional satisfaction in older couples. It’s a win-win for any couple. 

Find professional support 

In some cases, getting help from a good sex coach, intimacy expert, or licensed therapist may make a positive difference. A therapist can help you identify potential underlying issues and navigate the awkwardness of trying to revive the spark. They can also help you strengthen communication and provide a safe space for you and your partner to explore your relationship. 

Online therapy

If you and your partner have busy schedules, meeting with a therapist might not make sense. In that case, meeting with an online therapist could be worth considering. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can pick a time and place that works best for your schedules. Additionally, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions with your therapist. Research shows that online couples therapy is as effective as traditional, in-person therapy at improving relationship satisfaction.