I Am Happy Now, So Why Do I Miss My Ex?
"Why do I miss my ex so much?" It can be normal to think about your ex and ask yourself "why do I miss my ex," even if you’re happy with the way your life is currently without your ex.
However, continuing to miss your ex can be difficult, and you may wish to let go of your feelings for your ex and move forward. When you are thinking "I miss my ex," it can be helpful to exercise self-compassion, practice mindfulness, spend time with loved ones, and seek professional help through in-person or online therapy.
“Why do I miss my ex?” Missing your ex can be normal
Why do I still think about my ex?
Loving someone generally means that you have deep-seated feelings for them. When feelings toward your ex linger, often it is the feeling of being loved and the feeling of loving someone else that can trigger these thoughts, rather than your ex themself. It can become even more complicated when you begin to analyze your feelings. You may be in love with your internal perception of your ex, instead of the person they may be in reality. You may have feelings of love for the good things you remember about them. Murky feelings can arise when you have trouble differentiating between your perception of your ex and reality.
How abuse can affect the ability to let go
An abusive relationship* can wreak havoc on an individual's emotional and psychological state. Even if an individual breaks up with their abusive ex, they may be likely to struggle with feelings of missing them.
In fact, 85% of the women who successfully leave an abusive relationship usually return. According to Forbes, the primary reason for this has to do with finances. In most domestic abuse cases, there can also be financial abuse. The abuser may withhold money and control the household finances. Some abusers may want their partners to account for every penny spent. Facing financial insecurity is often one of the primary reasons that people in abusive relationships do not report the abuse.
Those who have gotten out of their abusive relationships and are in shelters or living with friends or relatives can be prone to returning to their abuser. Some studies show that those who have left their abuser can experience more psychological issues than when they were in the abusive situation.
Abusive relationships and stigma
Finances and fear may not be the only reasons survivors return to unhealthy relationships. Some may return or stay because they genuinely love their partner, and they may live with the hope that the abuse will stop. Many abusers promise they will stop, and some may well intend to end the abuse.
There can be a stigma associated with discussing experiences of abuse with friends, relatives, or even doctors. Most doctors who suspect their patients are recipients of abuse hear a lot of excuses for bruises, abrasions, and broken limbs. One doctor advises that general questions regarding abuse should be included in history intake questionnaires, especially for those who are admitted for inpatient or outpatient psychiatric care. According to this doctor, a large percentage of patients admitted for depression-related disorders did not report to their medical providers they were abused, but they often did so in group sessions and regular conversations with other patients.
The stigma associated with admitting to the abuse can be great. However, the stigma of returning to an abuser is often even greater. Friends and family who aided in the "getaway,” provided shelter, and gave emotional and financial support often feel sad, angry, frightened, and even betrayed. It can be difficult for some to understand why someone would return to their abuser. Even when the person who left can fully and rationally articulate their reasoning, it is often still incomprehensible to the listener.
Without help, an abuser does not typically stop their unhealthy and harmful behaviors. Still, there are often resources, support groups, and therapy available to help. In general, a person should never remain in an abusive relationship in the hopes that the abuser will get better, nor should they stay upon the promise of the abuser attending therapy.
Ways to move on from your ex
If you find that you keep thinking about or feel like you miss your ex even though you are happy, it may be time to try some different techniques for moving on. Here are some ways to help you release lingering feelings and move on with your life—without thoughts of your ex.
Write out what you liked and disliked about your ex if you miss them
For this exercise, you might take some time to write a list of qualities and characteristics you liked about your ex, as well as what bothered or annoyed you about your ex. Making this list can help you clarify the internal image of your ex that you find yourself still pining for.
Lean on your support group and stay away from social media
Having a group of people you can depend on when times get difficult can help you get through this period of transition. Seeking out those who make you feel good can help you move on more quickly than spending time with people who will simply commiserate with you. Staying away from social media will be healthy for you, too.
Be kind to yourself about how you are feeling
Having a bit of self-compassion can have a massive impacton your ability to heal after a breakup. Rather than entertaining the negative, it can be helpful to focus on giving yourself grace and acknowledge that it may be time to finally move on.
Practice mindfulness when you feel like you miss them
There may be several different techniques you can use when practicing mindfulnessto help you stay focused on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past. This practice can help you reduce stress, cope with your emotions, and focus on the healing process.
Seek professional help
If you find that you are still having trouble getting over your ex despite being happy, it may be time to get some help from a licensed therapist. A mental health professional can help you work through your emotions and identify areas where you need to focus energy to heal, so you can fully move on and enjoy your new life.
“Why do I miss my ex?” How online therapy can help you
Studies show that online therapy can be an effective way of coping with complicated feelings associated with a previous relationship. According to a study published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, web-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be an effective method of working through symptoms of mental health issues that can arise out of various situations, including breakups. Internet-based platforms for providing CBT often combine therapy sessions with therapist-guided exercises, lessons, and other resources. The aim of CBT is typically to reframe unhealthy thoughts that can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders. In this way, online therapy can help those experiencing sadness, loneliness, or other emotions related to an ex move forward in a healthy manner.
There can be a stigma attached to getting help from a therapist and general nervousness about being seen in a waiting room or going into a therapist's office. With online therapy, you can receive professional help from the comfort and convenience of your own home, or wherever you have an internet connection.
Takeaway
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.
Why do I miss my ex so much?
Getting over an ex-partner can be challenging. Depending on the circumstances of your past relationship (and possibly, current relationship), you may need to process a considerable amount of information as you move on. You might be grieving a future, thoughts of marriage, or other possibilities that never came to be.
You might also be struggling with loneliness, perhaps spending much of your time ruminating about how the relationship could have been fixed. Regardless of your specific circumstances and what happened, nearly everybody finds breakups hard. It is important to focus on yourself and ensure you meet your basic self-care needs, like getting adequate sleep, eating healthy food, and exercising. In time, your feelings for your ex will likely fade. If you need support in processing challenging emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a therapist.
Why do I miss my ex when I'm in a relationship?
If you miss your ex after entering another relationship, you should consider whether you were ready to start another relationship when you began dating your current partner. For example, your new partner or new boyfriend might be great, but lingering feelings may indicate that you are still getting over your ex or missing parts of yourself. Despite common wisdom suggesting a waiting period between romantic relationships, evidence suggests that rebounds - romantic relationships that begin relatively quickly after a breakup - aren’t especially harmful. Moreover, people who commit to rebound relationships usually report fewer feelings for their former partner than those who remain single for a longer period.
Why do I still love my ex so much?
It’s okay to still love your ex, and many people carry feelings for a former partner long after the relationship ends. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. You might still be processing fond memories, grieving the loss of a future together, missing a warm body next to you, or only remembering your ex’s good qualities. It’s normal to take a while to get over an ex before considering future relationships.
The grieving process is different for everybody, and the emotional pain of a breakup can take a while to fade. While the grief may sometimes feel overwhelming, evidence suggests that if you focus on yourself and keep growing, you’ll be ready for a new relationship after processing your last one. If you’ve waited as long as you think you can wait, you should consider reaching out to a therapist or other mental health professional for guidance.
How do you stop missing your ex?
Getting over a past romantic relationship can sometimes feel overwhelming, but the process requires time and has many elements that are beyond a person’s control. However, there are a few things you can do to mitigate the worst of your unresolved feelings, summarized below:
Use negative reappraisal to stop missing an ex
Common breakup advice suggests creating a list of all the negative qualities of your partner - the things you didn’t like about them - and reading it or adding to it daily. In the beginning, it can make emotional flare-ups worse, but over time, it significantly decreases infatuation and attachment to an ex-partner, helping you realize it may not have been a good relationship for you.
Distract yourself (sparingly) when you miss an ex
It is also common to hear distraction recommended as a way to get over a breakup. Distractions might include finding a new hobby, making new friends, or getting absorbed into a new TV show. However, it is important not to rely on distraction too heavily. Evidence suggests that, while it can improve short-term feelings, it may become an avoidance technique in the long term.
Lean on your support network when you miss an ex
Consider discussing how you feel with a trusted friend or family member. Social support is one of the healthiest coping strategies to use after a breakup because it can be tempting to withdraw and socially isolate, which can significantly worsen psychological well-being.
Cut contact completely and stop contacting your ex
While exes can certainly be friends, those friendships usually only develop once both former partners have addressed their feelings about the relationship. In the meantime, consider blocking your ex on social media, avoiding texts or phone calls with them, and spending less time around mutual friends while you heal.
When you start to miss an ex, focus on yourself and self-improvement
One of the best ways to stop missing someone is to focus on yourself, even if this means stepping out of your comfort zone. Self-improvement may involve learning new skills and doing activities that build your sense of self-worth. Often, building self-esteem or focusing on another form of self-improvement can bolster your confidence and prepare you for a new, healthy relationship.
Is it healthy to think about my ex and stalk them on social media?
Thinking about an ex after a breakup is healthy and normal, but excessive thinking that interferes with your daily life is not. Everyone processes their feelings in their own way, at their own pace. You likely need time to process your relationship's positive and negative aspects before your feelings fade and you are ready to start dating again.
While thinking about your ex is normal, if you’re constantly inundated with thoughts about the relationships, you may be ruminating, or engaging in unhealthy thought patterns that interfere with your well-being. Stalking them and keeping tabs might also bring you negative emotions, which may affect your physical and mental health. If you’re thinking about your ex in minute detail and it feels unbearable, you should consider reaching out to a mental health professional for assistance processing your feelings.
Why can't I let go of my ex?
There are many reasons why someone might struggle to let go of an ex. You might be grieving thoughts of a future or marriage or struggling to accept other hopes and dreams for the relationship that will never come to pass. You could also be finding it difficult to be alone, stuck wondering how the relationship could have been fixed, or challenged by low confidence or low self-esteem.
No matter what the reason is, one of the first steps to take is to turn your focus on yourself. Make sure you are taking care of the basics needed for health and happiness, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and getting exercise. If time passes and you still haven’t let go of your ex, or the thought of being without them is unbearable, you should consider reaching out to a therapist for assistance. They can help you process lingering feelings and better understand why letting go has been so hard. A therapist can also help you understand what you may want in your next relationship.
Why am I suddenly missing my ex a lot?
There could be a few reasons why you miss an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It can be common to think about past relationships from time to time, as you may suddenly miss the positive aspects of the relationship that comes with good memories. However, nostalgia for your ex may be less about missing the actual person than missing parts of yourself while you were with them and having an idealized perception of your ex in these moments.
Is it normal to miss your ex if you broke up with them?
It's common to miss an ex, even if you terminated a toxic relationship. If you started missing your ex, you may be grieving the loss of the relationship while experiencing a range of conflicting feelings. For example, while you may realize that they may not be the ideal partner for you, you may still recall many aspects that you appreciated about them.
Is it okay to cry when you miss your ex?
Whether the relationship worked or not, there may be a period of a few weeks or longer when you experience a range of challenging feelings as you process the loss of the relationship. Findings also indicate that breakups activate the same area of the brain as physical pain, which may help explain why breakups can hurt.
During this time, it's common to cry and experience frustration, sadness, and nostalgia as you recall moments like your first kiss and other aspects of the relationship, even if you know the breakup was a good idea.
How do you know if your ex misses you?
While there may be signs that your ex misses you, such as an ex-wife calling to say they love you, it may be healthier to examine the reasons for why you broke up and how you're managing the particular situation. While it can be challenging to cope with the loss of a relationship, this may be an ideal time for soul searching, self-care, and personal growth, allowing you to cultivate a newfound sense of yourself in the world. Before you start talking to your ex about the possibility of getting back together, it may be helpful to consider whether you have the same values and if the relationship is in your best interest to pursue.
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