Broken Trust: I Cheated On My Boyfriend And I Feel Awful
When one partner cheats in a relationship, both parties tend to experience emotional challenges. The person who cheated may feel racked with guilt and struggle to come to terms with their actions, while the partner who has been cheated on may feel betrayed by someone they trusted. If you've cheated on your boyfriend and are currently experiencing feelings of guilt, this may show you still have an emotional connection to your partner and you understand the implications of your actions. You may also be feeling lost and confused.
"I cheated on my boyfriend and I feel awful": Acknowledging your mistake
Whatever you’re feeling at this time, you don't need to face it alone. Below, we’ll discuss some possible actions to take after an instance of cheating and ways to obtain support during this time.
How common is betrayal?
Cheating may be more common than we may think. Statistics on cheating can vary widely across surveys, but results may be skewed given that respondents might be embarrassed or afraid to admit that “I cheated on my boyfriend/partner.”
Regardless of the precise statistics on infidelity, it’s a common experience that many couples face, and both people in a relationship deserve support as they move forward.
Why do people cheat on their partners?
There can be many possible reasons for infidelity. For example, a person may be more prone to cheating if they lack an emotional connection with their partner. Many affairs start when one partner experiences an emotional connection with another person in their life, such as a friend or coworker.
Anger and frustration can be other reasons for cheating. Sometimes, we don't think about the long-term repercussions when we cheat, especially if alcohol or other substances are involved. We may take out our frustration in a way that we later regret.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Other people may cheat because they experience a "high" or a rush of endorphins from feelings of desire and the thrill that accompanies a new sexual encounter. If this describes your experience with cheating, therapy may help you to find healthy ways to handle these feelings. You might learn ways to avoid high-risk situations that can lead to cheating.
Can our relationship find trust, forgiveness, and healing?
Cheating is sometimes a reaction to an underlying problem in the relationship. It may help to be honest with yourself and ask yourself why you cheated. Was it boredom? Are you searching for something you don't have? Was it simply because the opportunity presented itself at a moment when you were feeling vulnerable?
If you feel like you still love your boyfriend and want to stay with him after you cheated, you may have to communicate honestly about what has happened. Unless you fear for your safety, it may be best to have this conversation with him in person. Having difficult conversations via text might make matters worse.
If you decide to speak to him, you might give him the necessary details about when you cheated, making sure to respect his own boundaries; he may not want to know all the details. By being honest, you may find that your relationship eventually emerges stronger from this challenging period. Also, a potential benefit of transparency is that you won't be looking over your shoulder, worrying that your secret will catch up to you.
Facing the remorse and the consequences
Despite these potential benefits of honesty, it may help to prepare yourself emotionally for what might happen. There's a risk that your boyfriend may not want to be with you anymore. Also, an honest conversation might lead to unexpected revelations of previous incidents of infidelity. It may help to remember that this period may be fraught with intense emotions that are valid, both for you and your boyfriend.
If you decide to tell your boyfriend what happened, he will likely be upset, hurt, or angry; these can all be normal reactions to betrayal. If you want the relationship to continue, it may help to offer a sincere apology and let him know that you felt he deserved to know. Initially, he may be inconsolable, but he may eventually realize that you decided to be honest to try to save the relationship.
Depending on the situation and your relationship, there's a chance your partner will forgive you for cheating. He may be understanding of your predicament, especially if he has experienced similar feelings in the past.
Getting help after cheating
Before deciding how to move forward, it may help to get the advice of a licensed relationship counselor. A trained counselor may be able to help you assess what you feel about the relationship and decide whether to tell your boyfriend that you cheated. Also, if you choose to tell him, they may have some ideas to help you prepare for the conversation. While a therapist may not tell you what to do, they may be able to help you navigate this complex situation and find the best course of action.
If you don’t feel comfortable visiting a therapist’s office to discuss your relationship, you might consider online therapy, which many studies have demonstrated to be just as effective as in-office therapy. With online therapy, you can discuss your emotional experience from the comfort of your home or anywhere you feel safe and have an internet connection.
A therapist may be able to help you explore the possible reasons that you cheated. For example, if you’re experiencing low levels of self-esteem, you can discuss this with a licensed therapist who may provide evidence-based strategies for building your self-esteem and confidence.
Cognitive behavioral therapy
One of the most common forms of therapy is cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which has been shown to be effective for individuals experiencing low self-esteem. CBT aims to identify false and negative thought patterns and find ways to reframe thoughts into healthier, more positive patterns. One study that looked at married women who had been cheated on found that marriage satisfaction, self-esteem, and quality of life all significantly increased for those who received CBT.
Research shows that CBT is also effective when delivered online. With an online therapy service like BetterHelp, you can participate in CBT via live chat, audio, or videoconferencing. You can also contact your therapist at any time through in-app messaging, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. This feature may be especially helpful if you experience relationship distress in between therapy sessions.
Also, if you and your boyfriend would like to speak with a couple’s therapist together, you can do so online through BetterHelp’s sister platform, Regain. The same modes of communication are available at Regain, which has a network of thousands of couples therapists who have experience helping couples navigate infidelity and other common relationship challenges.
Regardless of what happens with your relationship, talking to a counselor may help you move forward with confidence.
Takeaway
What do I do if I cheated on my boyfriend and I feel awful?
First, acknowledge what you’ve done. If you are feeling terrible, this can actually be a good sign. It means that you understand the importance of your action and realize that you made a bad decision. Experts are divided on whether you should tell you partner about the incident. Some believe that unless some great good may come of it, telling only relieves your own guilt and causes pain to the victim. Others believe that telling your partner is the basis for creating a foundation for re-establishing trust between the partners.
Whether you decide to tell your partner or not, it is important to cut off all contact with the person with whom you cheated, and to identify and address any existing issues in your relationship with your partner to avoid further temptation.
Why do I feel guilt and regret after cheating?
There are many reasons why a person may cheat on their partner, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t feel absolutely terrible afterward. It may have been the impulse of a moment of frustration, the outcome of a pattern of neglect or emotional distance, or a random feeling of connection gone wrong. Whatever the reason, the aftermath can often involve strong feelings of guilt or self-loathing.
How does a guy act after a mistake or betrayal in a relationship?
This can depend on the person, but some common signs that a person has cheated can include:
- Becoming protective of their phone, won’t allow you to use it or see it, continually deleting texts messages or emails
- Can be distracted or less attentive
- May give you more attention than usual to compensate
- Changes passwords
- May mention a new “friend” or “coworker”
- May use gaslighting techniques saying things like “you’re so paranoid” or projecting their behavior onto you by accusing you of cheating
How do you punish a cheating boyfriend emotionally?
You can punish a cheating boyfriend, but if your intention is to heal the relationship, this may not be an effective road to take. Even if you have decided to break things off, focusing on yourself can be more healing than obsessing over the behavior of your partner. Therapy can help you put the situation into perspective, help heal your feelings (and relationship if you are interested), and let you move forward.
Does a cheater feel remorse, guilt or regret?
Often, but not always.
More questions about the guilt and regret of cheating
Why did I cheat on my boyfriend whom I trust and love?
This can be important to unpack after you’ve cheated. There are a number of reasons that people may cheat on their partners, but determining your own cause can be helpful in determining whether your relationship is worth saving.
Why do cheaters cry when caught?
This can be a genuine response due to extreme guilt, or in some cases it can be a manipulation tactic. Which one it is can depend on the personality of the person, and you may be able to discover whether it’s true guilt through their actions during the aftermath. Are they cutting off all contact with the person with whom they cheated? Taking responsibility for their actions? Working with you in therapy to reestablish trust?
How to find forgiveness for yourself after cheating?
This may take time. First, realize that if you feel terrible after cheating, this can be a good thing. It means you regret your action and realize that it was a bad decision. It can help to focus on your relationship and work through any existing problems with your partner, especially with a therapist.
Do I love him if I cheated?
Only you can answer that question, but in many cases people who cheat are doing so for some other reason than lack of love. They may be feeling neglected, a lack of emotional connection, or anger. You can still love a person and cheat on them.
Can a cheater still love you?
Very often, yes. Cheating can have many underlying causes, and in many cases the person cheating still loves their partner and may feel absolutely terrible after cheating. Obligations of your careers press on you, causing a rift, unresolved anger, focusing all your attention on children, neglecting romantic connection…all of these can lead to a lapse, even when love remains.
Should I confess if I cheated on my boyfriend and I feel awful about it?
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