Tips On How To Make My Boyfriend Want Me

Mismatched levels of sexual desire between partners can have many different causes. Communicating with your partner to find out what they’re thinking and feeling is often the most important step in resolving the issue. It may also be helpful to bring back a sense of spontaneity in your relationship, and to show your boyfriend how attracted you are to him. You might also choose to seek therapy as a couple. A licensed couples therapist may help you get to the root of the challenges you’re facing and address them in a healthy way.

Note: Although this article may mention a “boyfriend” and use he/him pronouns, the information here can apply to people of any gender.

Don’t blame yourself for your partner’s lack of interest

Feeling unwanted by your partner can put a serious strain on your sense of well-being. Disparities in desire can have significant effects on sexual and relationship satisfaction. For many people, a major reason for this unhappiness may be a sense that there’s something wrong with them if their partner is no longer interested in sex.

This isn’t necessarily the case, though. In fact, many of the most frequently reported reasons for low libido usually have to do with a person’s own mental or physical health, rather than negative feelings toward their partner.

Effective tips: How to make my boyfriend want me 

Given the above, it’s possible that the best way to make your partner want you again may be to encourage them to take care of their own mental and physical health. 

You may also want to keep in mind that sexual attraction and desire exist on a spectrum, and not everyone experiences them equally as strongly.

It may be possible that your partner simply has a lower sex drive than you. This could be true even if the two of you seemed to be having sex more frequently earlier in the relationship. 

It's also possible that the causes of your partner’s diminished libido have to do with the dynamics of your relationship. If that’s the case, how can you make them want you again?

Let your boyfriend know they can talk to you

Restoring the spark in your relationship will likely be far more difficult if you and your partner aren’t working on it together. You may want to gently encourage them to open up about how they’re thinking and feeling. One approach that may help is framing the conversation in terms of their feelings and not about the lack of sex. 

You could try explaining that you’ve been feeling a sense of distance from them, and you’re wondering if there may be a problem they want to discuss with you. It might also help to emphasize that you won’t judge them for what they’re thinking or feeling — you just want to know what’s going on so you can work on it together.

We suggest not having this conversation in the bedroom, especially not right after they’ve declined sex. This could make them feel pressured and put on the spot. Instead, it could be best to wait for a time when you’re alone together in a less intimate setting, ideally when they’re in a good mood.

Work on your timing

Do you typically try to initiate sex at the end of a long day when you’re both ready for bed? “I’m too tired” might sound like a lame excuse, but it may be a reality — physical and mental exhaustion can often suppress the libido. Making sex feel like a routine could also sap some of its excitement.

It may help to set aside time for intimacy instead of trying to squeeze it in around the edges of your schedule. You could plan a romantic night in with nothing to do but fool around, or a date night that ends in a hotel room. Alternatively, surprising them by pulling them into the bedroom in the middle of the day could bring back a sense of spontaneity. 

Let them know you’re attracted to them

Feelings of low self-esteem can play a major role in a decreased sex drive. If insecurity is holding back your partner, flattering them may help. Even simple words of praise, like telling them that their jeans look good on them or that you like the way they laugh, could make them feel more confident in engaging physically.

It may also be helpful to give them more direct signals that you desire them. 

Consider trying the following to boost your partner’s sexual confidence and kindle their libido:

• Staring them in the eye and licking or biting your lip

• Touching them in intimate ways

• Making flirty jokes or sexual innuendos

• Letting them see you admire them as they’re getting dressed or undressed

If your partner isn’t used to feeling like the object of your desire, these cues may be a pleasant surprise that helps them reconnect with their own sex drive.

Try something new together

We’re not talking about experimenting in the bedroom, although that may not be a bad idea once your partner’s interest in sex returns. But getting to that point may be easier if you spend time together doing something outside of your normal routine as a couple. If the two of you have gotten into a rut, taking up a new common hobby could bring back some of the energy you felt at the beginning of your relationship. 

It might be especially helpful to do something that gets your pulse racing. There is some evidence that an elevated heartbeat and a surge of adrenaline can perk up your libido as well. You could suggest going running, dancing, or hiking together as a natural way to get them in the mood.

Try something new on your own

Common activities with a partner can be helpful in restoring intimacy, but so can expanding your own individual identity. Some scientific literature suggests that people tend to instinctively feel more desire toward new sexual partners, which may explain why sexual desire commonly fades somewhat as a relationship progresses. 

You can reintroduce novelty into your sex life without having to search for a new partner. Adopting a new interest, learning a new skill, or delving into a new hobby can develop a new side of you. If your partner’s interest in you has been blunted by familiarity, this change could pique your partner’s curiosity — and their desire.

Take something off their plate

Sometimes, what your partner may need most to feel sexy again is non-sexual support. Stress can be a serious obstacle to libido. There’s a possibility that your partner is dealing with career, family, or personal difficulties that are distracting them from getting in the mood.

In that case, alleviating their source of stress might help restore their desire. Can you fill up their gas tank? Do some chores that they normally do? Give them a massage? Many people underestimate the power of seemingly small gestures of affection and cooperation in restoring intimacy.

Seek therapy as a couple

Mismatched sexual desire can be one of the most common reasons why couples seek relationship counseling. Talking with a therapist trained in sex and relationship challenges may help you and your partner find important insights about why their desire has decreased. A therapist may also be able to provide helpful ideas for how you and your partner can work together to restore the passion in your relationship. 

Benefits of online therapy

If you’re hesitant about reaching out to a therapist about your difficulties in the bedroom, online therapy could be a good way to get started. Since you can talk with a therapist from the comfort of your own home, you may feel more comfortable with opening up and discussing potentially sensitive topics. It may also be easier to find a therapist with experience in sexual intimacy issues when you’re not limited to therapists who are geographically close to you. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

While there may not yet be any extensive research on online therapy’s effectiveness for resolving desire discrepancy, a 2020 study reported that most couples who tried internet-based counseling for relationship issues found it enjoyable and helpful. Many reported that the online setting gave them a greater sense of “comfort and control,” which generally enabled a better connection with their therapists.